I Walk the Line Because I am a Rider on the Storm, so Hit the Road, Jack (Or: Why I Hate Biopics about Musicians)

Between family parties, eating constantly, and entertaining at our place, at some point during the long weekend, we found some time to watch Walk the Line. It’s all critically acclaimed and whatnot, so I was expecting to be completely blown away by the film. I...was not. It was okay; the acting was excellent, and Reese Witherspoon looked gorgeous, but I’ve come to the conclusion that I, um…intensely hate biopics, particularly those that are about musicians.

I think, though, that I’ve figured out why, and it boils down to this:

If your life as a musician was crazy/interesting enough to warrant a biographical movie, then you were, most likely, more than a little bit of a douchebag. (See: The portrayals of Jim Morrison in The Doors,* Ray Charles in Ray, and Johnny Cash in Walk the Line.**) And other than, say, a teenage girl who doggedly lusts after the hot and troubled guy at school (the one who was nice to her one time when he was drunk at that party, but then set her hair on fire on three subsequent occasions), I don’t know anyone who enjoys watching an asshole be an asshole for 2-plus hours in real life. I just wonder when it became a good idea to make that concept into a movie.

The other factor contributing to my hatred of biopics is that they quite often just exemplify lazy-ass film making; each movie obviously changes a few salient points, but at the core, they are EXACTLY THE SAME. After careful consideration, I've determined that the formula involves three (3) or more of the following:

• Childhood trauma! (A tragedy involving a sibling is most common. And if you know anything about me, you know I am totally at ease watching children in peril.)

• Success! (Usually accompanied by a cathartic “Screw you, Dad!” scene.)

• Cheating! (A hysterically crying spouse/girlfriend discovering the cheating will figure prominently here. Bonus points if she's flailing on the floor while weeping inconsolably.)

• Drug/Alcohol Abuse! (Maybe he’ll get high, then…[drumroll] look in the bathroom mirror, and disgustedly fling the drugs to the floor! A particularly artsy director will follow one lone pill rolling across the tiles.)

• Inevitable recitation by a character of famous lyrics! (The actual song featuring same will of course play at a key moment in the film.)

• Hitting rock bottom, and of course…

• Redemption!

Come on, directors, get it together. One could practically make a drinking game out of these plot devices. Hmmm...I just gave myself an idea for the next time I have to sit through one... (And this will happen, as I will of course get suckered again into thinking that THIS movie will be different.) Are there any good ones?! Ones where perhaps I won't want to throttle the main character?

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Oh! Also? I mentioned this in my comments here, but I can’t really expect you to go back and check, so it bears repeating: Thanks again to all of you for your bangs-related advice. I still don't know if I'm going to get 'em or not, but at least now I have some fresh perspectives. A very special thank you to the very funny Kate for the salon recommendation and the tip...the only thing better than a really good haircut is a really good FREE haircut :)

*Man, for someone who hates The Doors as much as I do, I certainly have mentioned them a lot on this blog.

** I sincerely hope I didn't offend anyone who loves these guys. However, the thing is, while I know they're amazing artists, their copious talent doesn't make them nice people. Consequently, I'm wholly comfortable saying that I feel they were douchebags.