WWJB?

On Sunday, as our son took his afternoon nap, J and I were watching TV, and quickly became engrossed in a show on the History Channel about the lost years of Jesus. We both become ginormous losers when it comes to all things history-related. Add to that my fascination with learning about foundations of the major religions, and what you have there is a perfect storm of History Channel-induced supernerdery. It’s like when Clark Kent becomes Superman only….the opposite. And with less blue spandex.

Anyway, the show was purportedly going to address the whereabouts of one Mr. Jesus Christ during his lost years, but it really didn’t actually answer any of the questions raised in the beginning. The narrator kept saying crap like, “Could Jesus have lived in [blah] from the years of [blah] to [blah]? Uh…Perhaps!” And then a wild-haired historian wearing a corduroy blazer (of course he was) with an ill-advised denim button-down shirt (with. a. TIE.) would concur. Whenever the narrator would make a particularly ambitious leap in logic, a British female historian with a bun and would mysteriously appear. Her accent exuded authority, and thereby assisted in lending credence to the wacky theories.

I mean, I sort of get that the show couldn’t answer the overarching question, because really, who can? The narrator wasn’t there. Neither, to my knowledge, was Denim Button Down or Bun Lady. But then…what’s the point?

Needless to say, J and I were kind of annoyed at having wasted our time watching a show that essentially concluded, “Ha ha! We just spent an hour asking variations on the same very basic question, and didn’t give you guys any resolution…Suckas!” Consequently, we decided that we could do the same show, but better, and with far more interesting suppositions. All we need now are someone with a posh accent who is willing to acquiesce to our insane speculations, and anyone possessing a button-down denim shirt. Here are our theories for the show so far.

Where was Jesus During his Lost Years 2: Electric Boogaloo

• Backpacking across India;
• Serving as lead singer for The Doors;
• Finding himself at college (Berkeley, most likely);
• Inventing the internet (sorry, Al Gore);
• Watching Lord of the Rings; and
• Hey, what happens in Nazareth stays in Nazareth.

(Any more theories you all may have for my imaginary show are most welcome, of course.)

Edited to add: Blogger, why are you removing all my double-spaces-after-periods when my posts are published?