The Devil's Music

Anything too stupid to be said is sung. --Voltaire

This weekend, J and I went to go get some professional pictures taken of Toopweets. We were spurred to do so by our desire to capture the wonderment and joy of our son through the magic of “real” photography, the fact that we haven't taken him for pictures in a while, but mainly, because they had sent us a coupon for a free 11 x 13 photo. The pictures went swimmingly (I just love that word). My one issue? The wildly disturbing music that they played in the studio. It's something that I have since learned is called…Kidz Bop. I died a little inside as I wrote that, you should know. But still, I wrote it. I do it all for you. (Bryan Adams and I always did think alike. It's uncanny.) Upon listening to (sigh…) Kidz Bop, the genesis of this "music" seemed (to me, anyway) to be perfectly clear. Some record executives got together and had the following conversation, whilst apparently doing massive amounts of blow. I imagine that it went a little something like this:

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Exec 1: Hey! You know what would be a great idea for a new album?! Exec 2: What, mon frere? E1: Let’s re-record today’s modern hits-- E2: I love it! Roll with it, baby! ROLL. WITH. IT. E1: I wasn’t finished yet. E2: That’s what she said! HAHAHAHA! E1: Good one! Oh god, I love The Office. That Michael Scott is the man. Wait! What was I saying? E2: I do believe it involved Circus Peanuts. E1: Yeah, those little guys are alllll right. No, but that wasn’t it. Oh, right. My plan. Yeah, so as I was saying…I want to re-record today’s modern hits…but have KIDS SING THE SONGS! E2: It’s brilliant! I only have a few concerns. Concern the first: What if the lyrics are inappropriate for kids? E1: Nonsense! No one ever listens to lyrics! E2: Point taken. Concern the second--How will everyone know that our new CD is cool? E1: Oh, I’ve already thought of that. And I answer your question with a question: Would a “z” in place of “s” at the end of the word “kids” alleviate your concern? E2: Oh, HELLS yes. E1: Yeah, I had a feeling it might. Let’s get this bad boy started!

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So Kidz Bop is the worst kind of music; cloying, icky-voiced children singing, among other things, songs by Avril Lavigne, Britney Spears…and Jessica Simpson. Now, the entire album is an affront to the concept of music, but people. There is a fine line between “annoyingly bad” and “borderline pedophilia.” I think that line is crossed when you have 6-year old girls sing a lyric that involves the phrase “Nothing but a t-shirt on.” *shudder* If you haven’t heard Kidz Bop yet, do yourself a favor, and…uh, continue to avoid it. This has been a public service announcement. Here are the pictures, taken as we listened to the dulcet tones of elementary school children singing some Evanescence shit about life being SO HARD and the WOUNDS, and OH, THE PAIN! (So basically, as I wasn’t paying any real attention, it could’ve been any Evanescence song.) (I imagine a conversation taking place about 15 years from now, wherein I am harangued by Toopweets for posing him with rose petals. Dear Toops-- Sorry kiddo, I couldn't resist.)

Insert your own clever "bear" pun here.

********************* Seeing as I am in such a musical mood today, I realized that in my rambling digression in my last post (i.e., where I rambled on at some length about replacing our oven which nearly killed us repeatedly), I mentioned that I made up a song about the devil oven to the tune of “Goodbye, my Lover,” but I neglected to actually post the song. Horrors! I know, you were all dying of curiosity, weren't you? Anyway, without further ado, here’s my song:

How you disappoint me, you let me down. Your pilot light went out, and my cake didn’t brown… Goodbye my oven, You’re not my friend, Pilot light blew out… Nearly were the death of me.

Hey, it's better than anything you'll hear on Kidz Bop. Look for it on my upcoming album, Metalia Singz.