Movie Review I: Step Up (No, Really)

I’ll just come right out and say it.

We may have just watched Step Up.

Don’t you look at me like that! Look me in my virtual blog-eye and tell me you yourself haven’t watched a wretchedly horrible movie that you KNEW would be horrible, but just had to watch anyway!

Mmm hmmm. Thought so.

Before you ask, the reason we didn’t turn it off was because it was so incredibly terrible that it became comical, and thereby unintentionally entertaining.

For those of you who don’t know, Step Up is a groundbreaking cinematic experience, by which I mean, it was clearly cranked out by a participant in a “Shiteous Screenwriting for Hacks 101” class. (Check your local Learning Annex for schedules!)

The plot involves a boy from The WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS with NOTHING TO LOSE who NEVER STICKS WITH ANYTHING. But he LOVES TO DANCE. (I must acknowledge that he's actually an amazing dancer.) The name of the actor who plays the role of the boy is Channing Tatum. This is a stupid and probably fake name, so I shall call him Stockard O’Neill. “Now, Metalia!” you’re probably thinking, “Why aren’t you calling him by his character’s name?” Well, my friends, that is because his name was not actually uttered until (by our count) well into the second act. (I smell an Oscar nomination for film editing!) So Stockard he shall be.

Stockard/Channing is friends with two brothers who are walking ethnic stereotypes in a number of potentially offensive ways that I will not even touch. The younger of these brothers wears a belt that electronically scrolls his name across the buckle, but might as well (spoiler alert!) scroll the phrase “I will be killed at some point during this movie. Since this film has reduced me to an insulting stereotype, please note that it will be from a combination carjacking/drive-by.”

As noted, Stockard/Channing is from THE WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS, and he and his friends GET INTO MISCHIEF after they break into a prestigious arts school, The Maryland School of the Arts. (Maryland readers: Does this place actually exist?) You know it’s an arts school because there are kids dancing by their lockers (of course!) and violinists playing Pachelbel’s Canon in the halls. Not, you know, in their respective classrooms, or anything. No, since it’s an arts school, these things simply must be done in the hall.

Needless to say, Stockard gets caught, is arrested, and is punished by the judicial system. Prison time? Probation? Ha! Those are ridiculous options. Instead, the judge, quite naturally, sentences him to “serve at the scene of the crime” and become a janitor at the school. Justice is truly blind. Or really, really high.

Side note: I suppose I should point out that the ladies LOVE Stockard/Channing. I’d describe him to you myself, but I decided not to bother when I saw that a fan on Step Up’s own Myspace page had done a much better job:

“ok channing is really hott and i cant get ova of how hott he is so like yeahh and to all of you bitches who think hes ugly nad weird go screw yourself and like channing yur sooo hott and my sisters have obsessions wit you...your the most hottest dude ever!!”

Uh…word?

The obligatory love interest is Jenna Something (In the movie, her name is either Nora, Dora, or possibly Laura. Enunciation was not of any importance to the characters in this movie. Except one, who I’ll discuss in a bit.) Noradoralaura is very different from Stockard; she is the star dancer of the school, and is incredibly disciplined.

Weirdly, Rachel Griffiths, of all people, puts in a cameo as the school’s director. Apparently, her method acting involved overenunciating, and putting “h”s in all of her words; much like this: “That whhhhould be youhhhhr rhhhhisk!” It’s not at all absurdly distracting.

Unfortunately, NoraDoraLaura's dance partner breaks his ankle right before the BIG EVENT THAT IS MENTIONED IN THE FIRST ACT THAT IS, LIKE, SUPER IMPORTANT AND WILL FIGURE PROMINENTLY IN THE DENOUEMENT OF THE MOVIE. (In this instance, such event is called “Senior Showcase.”) She needs a new partner, Stockard needs SOMEONE TO GIVE HIM A CHANCE…will it all work out?

I don’t think I need to tell you that it all does. But not before Stockard/Channing actually utters this line: “I'm fighting…fighting for something that's real for the first time in my life!”

Yes you are, Stockard. Yes you are.