U-to the-G-to the-L-to the-Y! (Or: Why it is a Bona Fide Miracle that I Still Speak to My Parents)

As I’ve mentioned in some prior posts, I have some…nerdish leanings in my past. The granddaddy of them all is, of course, my participation in the National Spelling Bee, which I've also mentioned. I was going to give some background here on “The Bee,” as those of us (losers) in the know call it. I thought about it, however, and given the current glut of spelling bee books, movies, and television coverage by ESPN (of all channels!) chronicling the blessed event itself, I don’t think a big explanation is really necessary. Suffice it to say that there are nerds in abundance, a lot of intense competition, and dictionaries as far as the eye can see. (The kid who won my year? His name was Ned, if that gives you an idea of things.)

I’m not going to try to justify my particip--okay, well, maybe I will, just a little. A lot of those kids were driven by pressure, either internal and/or external (read: Drill Sergeant moms/dads). They weren’t necessarily innately good spellers, but they were aggressive nerds, and just like the parent of a pageant kid lives vicariously through their child, I think this was a comparable outlet for the geekier set.

Now, I’m NOT saying I didn’t look the part; I'll get to that momentarily. I’m simply saying that I really really didn’t care about the whole competitive aspect of things. I got there because I had a weird natural aptitude for spelling, and happened to have won all the qualifying competitions. Consequently, I was pretty laid back about the whole thing. Yes, I consider myself the Owen Wilson of the spelling bee circuit.

That said, let’s get to what you all are really interested in: The horrifying pictures!!

Ooh, boy. Let's dissect this one, shall we? I cheated a bit as this is not a Spelling Bee picture, but this was taken earlier in the same year, and it's pretty awesome, I think. First of all, I appear to be at some sort of science fair. In and of itself problematic, but exacerbated by my SINGLE EYEBROW. Why, Mom and Dad?! Why didn't you tell me? Like how I'm casually sipping my Coke, and eyeing the photographer (probably one of my non-eyebrow advice-giving jerk parents) like I'm too cool for school? I am, most decidedly, NOT. I do love my compounds and data tables, though! Moving on...

Oh, lord. Did somebody open the Ark of the Covenant? (TM: Family Guy) Again, the eyebrow (singular) is killing me. My hair is clearly unbrushed. The coat is also incredibly troubling. There's denim, there's multicolored sweatshirt patches...what the hell is going on here? I actually distinctly remember getting this super cool coat/sweatshirt( approximately 3 sizes too large, as was the style) from the Gap, and thinking it was the most awesome thing ever. I was wrong. Ah, and I'm brandishing the newspaper with all the finalists on it. Even cooler! I've got the same expression on my face that I do in the last picture. (Do you know why? Because I surely do not.) Only this time, I've apparently come to terms with my braces. Oh, and also, other pictures from this portion of the competition reflect that I am wearing this lovely black shirt shown here with a navy blue floral-print skirt, white scrunch socks, and black Doc Maartens. Hott!!!111

Spoiler Alert: I won that last competition. Here's me and my trophy! I overwrote my identifying information engraved on the trophy with a more accurate description of who I am here:

Ugh, this one is sort of worse. Although the eyebrow situation has been downgraded to what I believe is a Code Yellow here (i.e., still a bit bushy, but at least there's two of them), I've apparently discovered makeup and jewelry. Not good makeup and jewelry, mind you; in point of fact, my lipstick is an alarming shade of orange. I had also (oh, dear god) lined my lips in darker lipliner. Klassy!

And the necklace is wretched; my neck looks like that of Aidan's on Sex and the City.

Here we go! It's showtime:

I can't even talk about the dress. Oh, who am I kidding. It was floor-length, and the skirt part was "crinkled" like a broomstick skirt. Trust me when I tell you that the rest of it is just as bad as you would imagine, if not worse. Doesn't it look like something a clown wife would wear to her clown husband's funeral? Something about the juxtaposition of the clashing garish prints in muted tones. My hair and overall appearance are also not doing me any favors.

I just tried to find a recent picture of me, just to let you all know that it all worked out okay, but it was quite difficult to find one where it's just me. Coupled with that, it's not like I post pictures of myself on here all that often, so you're probably kind of wondering what I look like. I'll try to rectify that going forward. Anyway, I found this picture; it's from like, 3 years ago, but whatever: And there you have it. Now that you've finally seen the Spelling Bee pictures, I think the title of this post is quite apt, don't you?