Movie Review II: Road House (No, Really) UPDATED

J and I sat down last night to watch our TiFaux’ed episode of 24,* but fate had other plans.

You see, Road House was on.

J and I? Um, we'd never seen this movie before. We’re both children of the 80’s, so I don’t know how this little gem passed us both by, unseen until now. We were transfixed, and our plans to watch 24 were quickly abandoned.

We sat there, mesmerized for over 2 hours (that shit is LONG!). Immediately after it was over, I turned to J and said, “That was, without hyperbole, the most awesome thing I’ve ever seen in all my life. I must write about this.” J kindly pointed out that we are probably the only two people in America, nay, the universe, who haven’t seen Road House, and that the internet is likely rife with posts reviewing this glorious cinematic achievemnt. I checked around, and he was right. Undaunted, I set out to find a unique way to convey my impressions, rather than just a straight movie review. And then it dawned upon me: Various forms of poetry! Because my fourth grade teacher said I'd use that shit again later in life, and by gum, I will prove her right:

ACROSTIC!

Wherein I utilize my favorite type of poetry to tackle the insanely tiny and skin-tight sweatpants Patrick Swayze seems to favor in the movie:

Patrick Swayze eschews Underpants. How do I know This, you ask?

In the movie, he dons The klassy low-riding sweatpants seen below.

Anyone can see that these are intended for a woman, and a Wee one, at that. Argh, the tightness—While he is Young n' strapping, I DON'T need to see his beaver cleaver on display.

Shudder. We get it, P. Sway. You love your junk. Now, A suggestion. I implore You. Next time, try a pair that fits. Consider a button fly, or ones with a Zipper. Because… Ewwwwww !

(This picture does not even do the Pants of Offensive Inappropriateness justice, but it was the best I could find.)

CINQUAIN!

Wherein I address the hair. Dear God, Swayze’s HAIR in this movie:

Mullet

Poofy and tall

Sits atop Swayze’s head

Growing larger, gathering strength

I’m scared.

LIMERICK!

Wherein I tackle one of the movie’s most perplexing and infamous lines:

There once was an evil young thug, Who punched Swayze’s fine-lookin’ mug. He looked down upon him with abject derision, And said, “I used to fuck guys like you in prison,” As I spat out my drink on the rug.

(Really, what the HELL?! That line came out of nowhere.)

There’s other good stuff, such as Kelly Lynch playing a doctor (you know she’s supposed to be smart because she has huge-ass glasses), as well as the fact that Swayze’s King of All Bouncers character apparently has a PhD in philosophy. This enables him to spout such pearls of wisdom as, “Pain don’t hurt” and “I want you to be nice until it's time to not be nice.” Oh, and the high flying kicks! The Tai Chi! The toppling polar bears! It’s all just far too much to describe.

If you haven’t yet seen this (unlikely, I know), I highly recommend it. (And if you have seen this, why did you not tell me about it?!)

UPDATE: Holy God, how did I not mention the boobies?! So. Many. Boobies.

Okay, carry on.

* Am I the only one who has a hard time taking Jack’s dad seriously as a villain due to his heartwarming turn as a kindly old farmer in Babe? I’m aware that James Cromwell plays bad guys with some frequency, but really. That movie seriously mitigates that fact. Yes, I just devoted an entire paragraph to a movie about a talking piglet. Shut up, it’s a cute movie, and I don’t care who knows it.