You don’t know who you’ll see, what your day will bring, or whether you’ll unsuspectingly step directly into freshly paved patch of street with a new pointy-heeled boot. (Hint: Are you me? Then, yes. Yes you will.)
Life is uncertain, my friends. And what better way to learn that lesson than to discover that you’re holding a dollar bill with a mystery booger on it?
Oy.
Something compelled me to purchase my morning coffee from the little street cart as opposed to Starbucks, where I usually feed my addiction get my latte. I like to think it was me being frugal, and perhaps...even socially responsible?
Okay, okay!
If you must know, there was no line by the coffee cart, and the Starbucks line was out the damn door. My decision to go to the cart had everything to do with that, and nothing to do with Starbucks…social….responsibi—um, hmmm. (People who feel compelled to discuss their issues with Starbucks’ global domination with me WHILE I’m holding a cup of Starbucks coffee in my hand irk me to no end, such that I’ve become incredibly adept at tuning them out entirely. I’ve thus completely avoided becoming informed about said issues. Spite is the best teacher!)
Anyway.
I paid for my coffee, and walked away from the coffee cart. Because it was ass-freezingly cold outside, rather than putting my cash away immediately, I hustled said ass into my building lobby, money in hand. “Hmmm.” I thought. “This money is…sticky!”
I naively thought that it was syrup or something. I looked down, and realized I was very, very wrong. It was not syrup at all. It was...this:
And I had TOUCHED IT! I didn’t know what to do.
Who had put the booger there? And for the love of cheese, WHY?! Is it some poor man's version of the expression, "Wiping your ass with $100 bills?"
I sprinted upstairs, threw out the dollar (wouldn’t you have?!) and poured about sixteen pounds of Purell into my hands. I’ve attempted to move on with my life, but each hour has been a struggle. I think there’s only one man out there who can soothe my troubled soul:
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20 comments:
Ewww! And disgusting!!!! And ewwwww!
Aaaaawkward...but I'd like my booger back please.
um, omfg. I don't know what else to say, because, OH MY EFFING GOD.
Am I the only one who would have kept the dollar?
GROSS!!! If it was ten dollars, I'd have coped - but one sticky, boogery dollar? That is NOT okay.
Gross - you should have marched back and demanded a $5 for the horror of the booger or you were gonna throw a first-class bitch-fit. I would've, eeeeeeewwwww!
"For the love of CHEESE!"
Can I use that? You don't have it trademarked, do you? I want to sprinkle that little gem liberally into my everyday speech.
OMG that is just WRONG! Who does that? AND the guy who made your coffee handled that booger who knows when. Seriously.
GROSS!
Maybe it wasn't an actual booger. Maybe it was the boogery-looking slimy stuff that kids play with, left by some kid who was entertaining himself while his mother got coffee. Okay, I know the odds are astronomically against that being the case, but I'm trying to make you feel better.
Did it help?
I agree: it's just another reason to stick with debit cards. Glad I wasn't reading this while eating breakfast! Hurl.
Ew. Ew ew ew. That is all.
Fine label choices, by the way. WTF indeed.
Maybe it was not the person who made the coffee... maybe it was from the person in front of you who paid in cash. So, ummm... I'm SURE that none of the booger got into your coffee.
Oh, and I am the SAME way with people who want to question which coffee/tea place I buy my morning beverages. I choose the one that is the most convenient and least busy... it's not always the same one. But dammit, I'm not going to drive out of my way on principle. I'm not that deep, people! So good for you and your spite!
Man, that's disgusting. Although I would have kept the dollar.
What?
Samuel L. Jackson can solve all problems! Except when his cohorts have to call on a character played by Quention Tarantino named, I think, Wolf. But mostly, all problems.
Julianna -- I KNOW.
DEA -- Of course it was you. I should've known.
Jonniker -- Your response is completely appropriate; I mean, really. What is there to say?
R -- Yes, but I still like you.
Chickadee -- Haha! I could see myself rationalizing a way to keep a $10 bill, too.
Anniina -- I was tempted, but it was SO cold, I didn't want to go back out there!
Steve -- I adore cheese, hence the phrase. Feel free to steal. :)
Paisley --I know, I know; I'm trying my damnedest not to think about it.
Liz -- Aw, you're so sweet. But the distinct booger-ness of said green blob left no room for questions; it was, in fact, a big ol' booger.
Nabb --Hee! Hmm, I probably should've put up a warning not to read this while eating.
Stefanie -- Thanks, yo.
DCMM -- Exactly! I mean, it's COFFEE. I am not awake before drink it, so why would I go anywhere but the place with the shortest line to get it?
TOG -- You can go over there and hang out with R, who also would've kept the snotted-upon dollar.
Maliavale -- Hee! He really is magical, isn't he?
I feel the need to clarify that I would have wiped it off and Purelled the heck out of it.
R -- Okay, that definitely makes it better. :)
You threw out a dollar?! They're made with cotton so they're more durable. You could have washed it. At the very least you could have used a gloved hand and paid for something with it. Pay it forward.
Now I know why my mom always told my brother and I to wash our hands after we touched money.
...and I thought these things only happened to ME! But, dude - Purell is totally sticky.
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