I Had it Coming

I’ve often mocked the weird Google searchers that come here. I’ve gone so far as to include a special section in my sidebar devoted solely to this, and indeed, I am fascinated by the frequency with which people searching for various permutations of crapping their knickers are directed to my blog. (Particularly because I know for certain that I have never posted about any topic in the knicker-crapping milieu.) Stranger still is the fact that ONE TIME, someone mentioned the word “enema” in a comment on a post (9th down), and now all the enema-loving freaks of the world (you know who you are, CHINA) end up here, lured by the beacon that is, evidently, my blog.

All of this is to say that I have now inadvertently become one of them.

Sigh…

On Friday, I was picking up some food for the weekend and purchased, among other things, some homemade soup from a nearby store (Um, storemade? Delicountermade? Eh, you know what I mean, and that is…it wasn’t canned). I sampled it later, turned to J, and said those six little words everyone adores hearing before they dig in to their soup: “Oh, gross! This tastes like…pee!” J looked at me for a moment, and I immediately clarified: “What I think pee would taste like, anyway.” He couldn’t detect this most nasty of flavors in the soup, but I was convinced that someone had peed in the soup before it made its way to the store's refrigerator. Perhaps this someone.

I’m sure a normal reaction would be to just toss the soup and move on with your life. Naturally, that was not an option for me. I made my way over to the computer and pulled up Google. I don’t recall exactly what I punched in (Let’s assume it was something akin to one of the following: “Will you die from eating peed-in soup?” or “What the shit?! I asked for pea soup, not pee soup!”), but I, somewhat disturbingly, received a ton of results. I began clicking away, not paying any attention, and before I knew it…I was in someone’s blog.

Having gotten there from a ridiculous Google search.

I can only imagine the glee that this person (who, from the look of their blog, didn't seem to be into any pee...stuff) would feel upon checking their stats, and seeing the insane search terms that brought me to them.

Like I said before…I’m one of them now. Be afraid.

But I think I learned some important things from this.

(Cue the inspirational music.)

Ha! Did you think I was going to say something like, “Every Google searcher has a story?” Not bloody likely. No, here’s what I learned, solely from the Google results page (like I was actually going to click on any of the links after that)…And in order to avoid future pee-seeking Googlers myself, I’m hereinafter referring to “pee” as “Hildegard.” (In keeping with my theme.) Like the color I selected for the things I learned? I'm classy like that:

There are apparently 25 cookbooks for Hildegard. (I’m sure this is totally accurate.)

There are anonymous message boards for compulsive Hildegard drinkers.

Hildegard CAN be used to make a very special soup, if you’re so inclined.

I’m sure there were more, but I wanted to keep from vomiting profusely all over my computer.

I hope you can understand.

(PS: I took some new pictures the past few days, but I just couldn't bring myself to post photographs of my husband and child alongside...this, so you'll have to go to my Flickr if you want to see them.)