My Weird Things List: Part the 2nd

(Continued from the previous post.) 4. The Weird Cultural Icon Thing--I’m afraid of Oh!pra So scared, in fact, that I purposely misspelled her name here on the off chance that one of her minions searches the web for the express purpose of finding Oh!pra-related negative press and then…fixes the problem. Yes she is exceedingly generous, and is amazing at what she does. But. She has entirely too much influence; it’s scary. As I recently mentioned in a comment to Jasclo, Oh!pra could make anything a bestseller. ANYTHING: Oh!pra: Today, we have a very special guest! Studio Audience: Woo! WOOOOOOOOOOH! [Commences leaping wildly into the air.] O: The guy who writes the instruction packet for contact lens solution BOXXXXXesssssssssssss! SA: WHEEEEEEE!!!! O: Let me tell you, his words helped ME. I feel like I see the world more clearly because of the guidance he laid out with is beautiful, precious words. And! IfyoualllookUNDERyourseats! You’ll find a special PRESent! Your very own….CONTACT LENS SOLUTION INSTRUCTION PACKET! SA: [Wordless, joyful weeping abounds] Aaaand….scene. Within days, contact lens solution will be scattered carelessly in the aisles of every drugstore in the land, as people scramble to get to the instruction packet that Oh!pra had touted. Critics will hail it as “Purposeful, elucidating…a real must-have for anyone who isn’t seeing things clearly.” THAT is the type of power this woman wields, and it frightens me. I really hope she doesn’t find me. So, um…if I should mysteriously go missing, I’d start looking for me in Chicago, buried under a discarded heap of copies of A Million Little Pieces. 5. The Weird Music Thing II--I think that my life has a soundtrack Okay, this one is SUPER weird: When I’m walking down the street or on the subway listening to my iPod, I will occasionally assume an appropriate walk/attitude/overall demeanor to suit the song that is currently playing. Sort of as if I’m in a movie? And the music is the soundtrack? Are you still here? For instance if “9 Crimes” comes on, I’ll walk slowly and have a really somber look on my face. If, for instance, “Take me Out” is playing, I’ll have a swagger, and an assured expression will come over me. Hmmm. You know? Perhaps the hobos are not the scariest people on the subway, after all. Your mission: TELL ME I’M NOT ALONE. Well, I think that about wraps up my list of weird thi— Oh, wait. There’s one more…how could I forget? 6. The Sexay Thing – I was friends with someone who is now a…uh…movie star? (The naughty kind.) And apparently, a hugely successful one at that. Sigh… Where to begin? (To avoid a ton of disturbing Google hits, let’s just go ahead and replace the word for the type of star she actually is with the word…um…prom. She’s a prom star, m’kay?) Do you ever Google old friends from your childhood, just to see what they’re up to? Usually, that’ll net you some engagement announcements, some doctors and lawyers, and maybe, if you’re really lucky, seeing that the former Student Council president was busted with a kilo of something. Recently, I was doing just that (googling old friends, not getting busted for possession), and decided to randomly type in my old friend’s name. Needless to say, I got the world’s most disturbing results. She has her own site, her own wikipedia entry, and fansites…it’s really insane. I wasn’t friends with her for so many years, but when I knew her, she was very quiet and sweet; she did my Wall o’ Bangs for me at a weekend party thing one time! (What do you want? I’m from Jersey). Although...I’m sure she enjoys doing very different types of “bangs” now, if you know what I mean, and I think that you do. I’ll spare you the details, but let me just say this: According to an interview, she apparently likes five (5) of…something…at once. Damned if I can comprehend the logistics, but whatever. Because this is a family blog (i.e., I try to keep the “motherfuckers” down to one per post), I’ll let you figure out what "something" is on your own. Heyyyy! Completely unrelated, but I had a foot-long hot dog with a big pickle for dinner! Ahem. As I have mentioned before, I am an adolescent boy. Anyway. You are probably interested in knowing who she is, but I don’t want to mention her by name here. Clearly, it’s not like she’s particularly shy about her chosen career, but I don’t want her to find this, and then have her minions (maybe she and Oh!pra share minions?) come after me and pelt me with…what did they call them in the 50s? Oh yeah; marital aids. (Did I mention that I have an overactive imagination? Did I even have to?) If, however, you’re curious (and really, who could blame you?), let me know and I’ll email her name to you. It's a little Happy Friday gift from me to you. Google at your peril. ; )

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As an aside, I just wanted to thank Eddie & Stretch’s Momma and Marvin Gardens for totally making my day with their incredibly sweet recent comments. (I would’ve thanked you both in a less public forum, but neither of you had email addresses, so here we are.) Seriously, thanks!

(Also? Hi, I suck. I've been terrible about leaving/responding to comments lately. It's been a hectic week; I'll be back to my regular commenty self ASAP.)