She Bangs! (Updated, as Blogger crapped out and the super-important pictures were no longer visible.)

I’ll get to the topic at hand in a moment, but first, I have a very important announcement to make:

You may have noticed that my sidebar has a kickin’ new button. You see, I learned today that I was a lucky recipient of one of the first-ever Whoorlie Awards, wherein the hilarious and lovely Whoorl bestowed upon me the award in the category of “If I Had a 100 Things List, It Would Be Eerily Similar.” [Insert standard “I never win anything” speech here. Then, thank God, ramble on, weep, ramble on some more, get cut off by orchestra, finish speech, and finally, get confused over which way to exit the stage.] I cannot think of a bigger blog-compliment (blompliment? Ew. That doesn’t sound right...) than this, for she is all kinds of awesome. Thanks, Whoorl!

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Remember way back in, like, December, when I solicited your opinion as to whether or not I should get bangs?

And then, somehow, this blog subsequently became THE Google stop for everyone in the world who wondered whether or not they should get bangs? Or wanted pictures of bangs? And once, awesomely, wanted to find “asstray bangs?” (I can’t begin to wrap my mind around what that could even mean; oh, the possibilities!)

Anyway, so it’s now three months later, but I finally got them.

Rejoice, random Googlers! At long last, you can finally get what you came here to see! (Except for you, asstray bangs pervert, wherever you are. You sicken me! Also, what ARE asstray bangs?! I must know!)

Ahem.

I’m ordinarily very nonchalant about my hair (read: LAZY), but the move towards bangs is a fairly dramatic one. I thus approached it as I do any major project-with a list, of course. After I was satisfied with my plan of action, I conducted a thorough review of my options, by which I mean, reading US Weekly, OK Magazine, and anything with the words "Academy Awards Pictures Inside!" plastered on it. (All in the name of bangs-related research, of course.) Having completed my research, my goal with the bangs could be boiled down to this:

DON’T end up looking like Harriet the nosy neighbor from Small Wonder.

(Whose hair, now that I notice it, actually looks a lot like li'l Metalia's, circa 1982. Yikes.)

DO end up with bangs that look like the ones sported by either of these two lovely ladies:

Credit: Filmweb.com

Credit: People.com

Armed with my pictures, I went to get the cut. All in all, I think it went well, except for the one uneven wisp that kept flying into my face. I only noticed it once I was back at my office, so there was little I could do about it at the time. (Ever the consummate professional, I resisted the urge to cut the sucker with my extremely dull and not-intended-for-hair work scissors, using my reflection in the vending machine as my guide.)

Of course, it drove me slowly insane, and I imagined the wisp growing longer and more obvious, such that it became all anyone could see when they looked at me. Just like The Telltale Heart, only without all the murder. The minute I got home, I made a beeline for our haircutting shears…only to discover that we don’t technically HAVE any. Just when I was contemplating utilizing my poultry shears in a decidedly unpoultry-ish manner (Don’t worry! I didn’t! You can still eat chicken at my place, I swear!), I stumbled across some manicure scissors in one of my old makeup bags. (Yeah, I have multiple makeup bags; what of it?)

This is funny only because there are certain things which I do not possess on my person, and those things are:

* Tonsils (Taken out when I was 7);

* Bootay (It’s practically inverted!); and

* Nails (I bite the bejeezus out of themm).

Consequently, I can only assume that I inadvertently stole the manicure scissors from a friend at some point. Sorry, friend. However, my accidental thievery of the itty bitty scissors enabled me to fix the strand...

...and finally, FINALLY, I had my bangs:

How much do I love the fact that she actually listened to me and made the bangs long enough to keep down...

OR swept to the side?

Then it was time to play. I give you:

The Dwight K. Shrute Part!

I was going for Dwight's condescending smile here, but instead I just look constipated. Hott!1!!1

The Superman Curl!

(Um, this actually looks more like Deranged Solider. Oh well, I tried.)

Now, did you really need to see 4 pictures of my new bangs? Probably not. But you know who does? The people who come here from Google looking for bangs-related guidance and pictures; I'm finally going to help them, goddammit! (Granted, I didn't include a "before" picture, but there's always Flickr for that.)

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Speaking of pictures, my new camera came today! Yes! That's right; the debut of a new haircut, a Whoorlie Award, and a Digital Rebel XTi all in the same day!

Although I have rambled on at length about the awesomeness that was my day, I believe the following picture sums it up better than I ever could:

Behold: The scales of justice awesome