[Internet proceeds to frantically click the "back" button, taking them far, far away from all this thrilling dentist talk]
I take pretty good care of my teeth, flossing daily and whatnot, so I'm not really nervous about going to the dentist. Particularly my dentist. He's a little nutty, and strikes me as a hybrid of Doc Brown in Back to the Future (down to the long white hair) and Mr. Monopoly. Today, for instance, his brand new purebred puppy was brought to the office, whereupon said puppy was shown off to all who were present. During another recent visit, while I sat there being tortured by the hygienist, he peeked in, and (as the hygienist and I took in his crazy, windblown white hair sticking up every which way,) said to us, "I have one piece of advice for you: Do not drive your new convertible with the top down when your hair is wet."
Yes. Yes! This is precisely the kind of useful advice I need, right up there with, “How much to tip your houseboy." "What to do if your diamond-encrusted gloves are too small." and of course, "Which champagne is best for christening your new yacht." Despite this, he is extremely competent, and couldn't be nicer. Each and every time I see him, however, I'm disappointed by something. You see, whenever I go the dentist, I engage in a 20-minute long brushing and flossing regimen prior to my departure, secretly hoping each time that the following situation will transpire:
Hygienist: Hi there! [Waits until she starts rooting around my mouth to ask me a series of involved questions:] How are you? How’s your family? What’s your theory on Lost? How do you think we can achieve world peace?
Me: Flarggg; hmm shmmfff—
H: [Gasps] Oh. My. God. Your teeth are… perfect! They couldn’t be cleaner! There’s nothing left for me to do here. Hold on, let me show Gladys!
M: [Blushing] Well y’know, I try…
H: Gladys! GLADYS! Look at her teeth!
Gladys: They’re…glorious! [Weeps.]
Delivery Guy: What’s all the commotion?! I was just in the neighborhood, and…my God, those teeth are FLAWLESS!
Dentist: [Enters room, wipes away tear, commences The Slow Clap.] Well done, my dear. Well done. Run along now, and tell the world of your peerless dental hygiene!
Needless to say, that NEVER happens. Jerks.
*******
And now, for something that is the complete and total opposite of the suckiness that is going to the dentist: My evening with Guinness Girl!
We’ve met before, on one of her earlier trips to
Here we are:
Why do I look like I'm hitting on her/the photographer?
I took her to the Flatiron Lounge, where we had many amazing and unique drinks, including one that contained egg whites, a first for both of us. Our waitress explained to us that this is actually common in certain “real” cocktails for the texture it imparts, and behold, she was right. Who knew? Such philistines we are. (The drink, by the way, was fantastic.) Speaking of weird things in drinks (as well as the fact that the last time GG and I got together, the subsequent post announced a contest), …CONTEST TIME!
You see, after the egg white chat with our waitress, we got to talking about the most disgusting things we’d mixed with alcohol in our younger days. Young GG had tried a drink that put mine to shame, but I’ll let her tell you about that, should she choose to enter the contest that our discussion inspired...which, is, officially, as follows:
What is the grossest thing you’ve ever mixed with alcohol and subsequently drank? (Bonus points if the resultant concoction has a fun name.)
The prize is an adorable lip gloss treat (seriously, it's super cute), and a CD of the songs on my iTunes Playlist of Shame. (Okay, okay, I’ll also throw in some good music.) As always, the foxy and impartial J will help me judge.
Hit it.
UPDATE: Um, hi; I completely forgot to link to the lipgloss prize...and to specify that the contest ends Friday.
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20 comments:
I honestly cannot think of anything particularly disgusting I've drank with alcohol, so I will have to sit this one out. Wait! Does Red Bull count?? No? Damn. It should.
As for the dentist... I think mine makes notes in my file to remember things to talk to me about. For a while, she'd ask me about camping during every visit, because I must have mentioned camping once. The past three visits, she's talked about Craig's List, as I introduced her to it four visits ago. And by the way, she has never called the delivery man in to look at MY teeth, either. (You know, in case that makes you feel any better.)
Stefanie--In my aforementioned scenario, I imagine that the delivery man is dressed up like a milkman from the 1950s. I feel that this is important to mention, somehow.
Geez, so this probably doesn't really count as the "mixer" wasn't so much gross as the drink in general.
Ahh, it was my sophomore year in college, a Monday night where I decided to finish the Irish cream and Kahlua from a party that weekend. And then the wine. And then the Everclear. Alas, I remember little. BUT, apparently we ended up out of juice, soda, and all other mixers after a bit. Which my friends told me, being that they didn't want me to die from drinking my Everclear straight. But, ohHO, I told them, "I shall mix my Everclear with ice!" And I did. And then I drunkenly wrote emails, naked, after throwing up many, many times. I remember nothing.
So there, Everclear and ice. Throw in a mixer and you would be okay, but me? I'm a purist like that.
I'm totally boring. I don't think I've ever mixed anything gross with alcohol. In high school we used to mix booze with Hawaiian Punch all the time but I still think Hawaiian Punch is kind of yummy. No?
Was going to add Flatiron Lounge as a place to visit when in NYC but egg whites? Seriously? Eeewww. I suppose you never know until you try, though and I'm willing to try anything once.
I've got nothing, either! How can this be? I mean, somewhat recently, I attempted gin and Crystal Light (fruit punch flavor), and I can't say I'll do that again. And at 31, I'm a little old to be off experimenting like that out of desperation
hey metalia...watch what you say about dentists - they are very dear to my heart :)
I feel compelled to try to win this prize. And yet, the grossest think I can think of is a Flaming Dr. Pepper. Amaretto, beer, and 151 proof rum (on fire). Sounds gross but tastes like Dr. Pepper.
I just remembered something grosser. Trash can punch at a frat party when I was a freshman in college. I do not even want to know what was in that.
You don't know me - I have happened on your blog before and am acquainted with your Blog of Shame - have the list on my desk and look at it alot - want it.
Tomato Juice and Beer, half and half, or any other portions you feeli nclined to use. "Course, I'm from Alabama.
Pick me! Pick me!
~Mad
Of course, now you all know I can't type or spell...oops!
~Mad
I'm going to give you just three words:
Zima
Jolly
Rancher
Enough said.
Frehsman year my best friend and I shot Jim Beam chased with water in our dorm.
It's still an annual tradition at our girls weekend to drink Sneaky Punch, a combination of gin, beer & pink lemonade.
These answers probably don't count because they are not things you MIX with alcohol, but they ARE the alcohol. And behold, they are foul:
1) Jaegermeister
2) Goldschlager
Ew, and ew.
In college, we once mixed (on purpose) sloe gin with milk. It was not as nasty as you might think. Really! Okay, it also wasn't so good that we ever did it again, but nobody puked.
I once had a bet while out with a couple of friends that whoever got asked first to dance that night would be bought a shot by the others, with the others getting to pick the shot. The girl we expected to win won, naturally, and we asked the bartender for the nastiest shot he could think of. "Prairie Fire," he said. And what's in that? "Equal parts tequila and tabasco." Perfect. We are evil like that. ;)
Hmm. To which gross drink are you referring? Purple Jesus, served out of a bathtub? Or Scotch & Hawaiian punch? Or - one that I neglected to mention - Jim Beam and grape soda, which is not only disgusting but perhaps even more so because *I liked it*?
I'm indescribably flattered and touched at your description of me! I adore you right back, sister.
One time we mixed Arbor Mist, Dry Vermouth (with the roommate shouting: "I paid twenty dollars for this and by God we are drinking it!") and Kamchatka vodka. It was indeed a "clearing out the alcohol cabinet at the end of the semester party." And lo, it was foul.
Um... well it TASTED disgusting, but it was really fun - and that would be mushrooms.
And... there's the one-too-may-cigarette ashes / butt at the bottom of your beer bottle.
In eighth grade my friend Cindy and I decided we were going to TRY DRINKING so we got out a recipe book for bartenders and made "Hot Toddy's" (seriously) and those are 1.) nasty and 2.) SO NOT A HIGH SCHOOL DRINK.
I really like Pabst.
The end.
Ok..back in my "who cares..I need a buzz and a buzz fast" days we had a lil get togethter..Ok..so we had several bottles of everclear, Vodka, fresh fruits, Beer (which we started drinking as we had to scrub the big ole garbage can..and it was soooo nasty..we scrubbed and scrubbed...I guess when etoh is involved you lose all inhibitions..I recall picking up black banana peels and pizza parts from the garbage can (that whoever used to forget something called a garbage bag!) Anyway...we scrubbed and already had a buzz from the beer and were so ready to get it all started ...so in poured the bottles of everclear, vodka, beer and koolaid...(I cringe thinking of this) anyway...we ALL got sooo sick the next day...not sure if it was the filthy garbage can (from the baseball team players house) or the mixture of etoh...you know what they say "Beer before liquor..never sicker.....liquor before beer in the clear"...wow...to this day I still elicit my gag reflex when I think of that night....
Ok, so I'm new here but I thought I'd share with y'all. A friend of mine took me to a shady "old west" style bar one night and suggested the grossest drink imaginable. They called it a "bloody tampon" It's
Yukon Jack® Canadian whisky,lemon juice, tequila, vodka, vegetable juice, Bailey's® Irish cream.
You put the lemon juice in at the end, which causes the cream to curdle and become somewhat tampon-shaped.
On my 17th birthday, we all went bowling. The "Cool older" guys we all had crushes on were drinking southern comfort. WHich, by itself, is not exactly the best of the best. My 2 girlfriends and I were drinking milkshakes (oh so cool, no?) And we were bound and determined to impress. So what did we do? Naturally, let the boys dose our shakes with a little SoCo!
Nasty. I'm not sure which was worse. On the way in or on the way out, if you know what I mean.
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