I need your thoughts here.
I was at a new salon a few days ago, and as I waited there for my appointment, a young girl that I assumed was about 14 or 15 walked in. She sat down and, essentially proving my point, pulled out a geometry textbook. (Well, I think it was a geometry textbook. I’m not what you'd call "a math person." Triangles and cylinders were involved.) Anyway, I assumed she was there to get her eyebrows shaped, until the receptionist asked her what she wanted done.
Now, I must take a Zack Morris time-out for a second here:
I fear specifying precisely what salon service she was there for, as the Google searches that are coming here lately are mind-bogglingly dirty beyond all human comprehension. Trust me. And so, rather than explicitly stating what it was, I’ll speak in oblique euphemisms, as is my habit. She was there for a…bajillion tankini fax. “Bajillion” in honor of its cost, as well as the level of pain, on a scale of 1-10, that it tends to generate. I know of which I speak. Or so I’ve heard. “Tankini fax” because…well, it (sort of) rhymes.
Sorry to beat around the bush. (Hee! I HAD TO.)
Back to the story:
“[Bajillion tankini fax]!” the young girl said brightly to the receptionist.
The receptionist nodded.
The girl went back to her textbook.
I attempted to maintain an aura of casual indifference.
But inwardly, I felt like this:
My mind raced to find something, anything, to explain why a 14/15-year old was there getting a bajillion.
She could’ve just been a young-looking and dimwitted 20-year old, doing 9th grade math, right?
Or a tutor, maybe? Going over her pupil's assignment? Right? Right?!
Perhaps she was a
But I didn’t think any of these possibilities were actually true, of course.
And that really freaked me out.
I wasn’t her age all that long ago, and as I reflect upon those times, I distinctly recall not one of them involving a bajillion tankini fax. If only there was some way to confirm that, though…
*knock, knock*
Ooh! Look who’s here! My eighth-grade diary! What’s that, eighth-grade diary? An excerpt, you say? Well, okay!
[Boy] and I are really good friends. He is my best friend who is a boy. [Friend] thinks he likes me likes me. Whatever. I don’t want to ruin our friendship. Maybe I will invite him to my Gymnastics Jamboree. [2007 Me: Um…Oh, my God?] Oh I love this song! It’s
I know people say this all the time, but these kids? They’re growing up too fast. What happened to the old days, where young girls talked of crushes and terrible, terrible music with nary a thought of a bajillion fax? And what of the Gymnastics Jamboree?! WHAT OF IT, I SAY? Those were simpler times; better times.
In any case, I'd absolutely love to hear your thoughts on this; I need to know if I'm warranted in finding this a bit crazy, or if I'm totally off-base and behind the times, and in fact, am actually turning into this lady (only with much better lip gloss):
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29 comments:
Perhaps she has a very revealing bikini? Is a swimmer? OH! Maybe she's quite endowed in a hairular way and is a gymnast. You know those leotards.
The Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm song is by the Crash Test Dummies! No? It was pretty bad. I had the album. Hi, we're the same age. =)
Girl, I hear you loud and clear. And I have yet to work up the nerve to try the so-called bajillion, though I've been thinking about it. Now I'm having fifteenth thoughts...
Hi. I found your site through a Google search for "Bajillion Tankini Fax". I just can't help my Tankini Fax fetish. Please don't judge me.
Just the term bajillion tankini fax has me laughing so hard I can't think.
I choose to think that she is just a very young looking teacher. Hell, she is probably 35. Choose to believe. It will make it all better.
I was just out on my front porch yelling at those damn kids to get outta my yard.
Yes, we are getting old.
Thank you, Metalia, for adding another brilliant term to the blogger's lexicon.
I was also going to identify that song as the Crash Test Dummies' only hit, but I see Malia beat me to it.
(Oh, and to answer your question... 14-year-old getting a bajillion tankini fax? Yes--disturbing indeed.)
Maybe she was a young looking college student in remedial math? Maybe? Please?
Well, I don't understand the current fascination with extreme "faxing" for people of any age, but a girl that age? The mind boggles.
Excuse me, who authorized the use of my photo in this post? And what's wrong with my lip gloss? It's coral!
Anyway. I'm opposed to bajillion tankini faxes regardless of the person's age. There's something a little disturbing about trying to look like an eight-year-old in such a specific way. And just so I don't have to pound on my thumb with a hammer to distract myself from the horror of the girl you saw at the salon, I'm going to assume that she didn't really know what she was asking for and, once she got into the little room, the faxing technician gently explained it to her and sent her home. And if that's not what happened, then I CAN'T HEAR YOU I CAN'T HEAR YOU LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA.
Ah, kids these days. I know that I'M getting old...when I was 15 I was wearing kangaroo hoodies and doing the "fold and roll" with my jeans.
I'm really old. ;)
your 8th grade diary sounds like my 7th grade diary with the awesome song choices. oh those crash test dummies... where did they go?
i find the bajilion tankini fax totally disturbing no matter the age. i mean, is the bajilion part REALLY necessary? what's wrong with just a regular tankini fax? hmm?
at 15 i was getting drunk in the woods with my bad-influence friends, but i had no idea was a tankini fax was. bajillion or not.
I didn't know it was possible to get a bajillion tankini fax at that age. In fact, I was mortified about even just getting less than a btf.
I'm going with the consensus that she was doing her student teaching. Yeah, that's it!!!! OR she's got some unrulys down there and wants to look great for her, um...memorial day party in her new bikini????
This tankini wax episode you just described, I totally blame the Lindsey Lohan and Britney Spears 'hoohah' paparazzi shots.
And who, may I ask, will be paying for that tankini wax? Surely her mother must be in on the whole thing!?! Frightening. Growing up too fast, yes. Personally, I fear the day when my girls want to know what a p*nis looks like.
Yes, yes, the Mmmmm Mmmmm song you wrote about was "God Shuffled His Feet" by the Crash Test Dummies. And "The Sign," please don't tell me that's the Ace of Base song? Your stock might have dropped on that one ;) Okay, you were in 8th grade. I'll let it slide ;)
Is it possible she was a college student? I just really hope so. If I was mother, I would not approve...which makes me feel old.
I thought I was slutty at 16 when I bought 2 thongs, as NO ONE wore them in 1987. I had to hide them from my mom. I would hand-wash them & hang them in my closet to dry.
I just got my first bajillion a little over a month ago, and can honestly say that no one of any age should subject themselves to that humiliation. Sheesh.
Kids these days...
This is why I never want to have kids. I'd go into it expecting that I'd argue with my fourteen year-old daughter over curfews and music volume, not whether or not she's old enough to be grooming her hoo-hah.
I'm going with Maliavale's competitive gymnast/swimmer theory. It's the only way I'll stop cringing and shaking my cane.
another hopeful vote for the gymnastics or swimming excuse.
if she was really that young, who drove her there?
Hmm, I haven't done this in forever...here goes:
Malia -- THANK you, re: the "Mmmm Mmm" song. I realized after the fact that on the next page in my diary, I'd written about my love for it AGAIN, and wrote how funny it was that the DJ said "Somebody get the song a vowel!" whenever he played it. WHY?!
Abbersnail -- It's not SO bad, though I cannot blame you in the least for your apprehension.
Jon -- I KNEW IT! Damn you, Google! Damn you straight to hell!
Sueb0b -- That's the spirit! Young-looking teacher; I can definitely get behind with that.
Steve -- Don't I know it. You can borrow my rolling pin to wave around next time the ruffians step in your yard.
Stefanie -- Thanks! I aim to please :)
Christine -- Nice! Good one.
Liz -- I know. Because it can't be said enough: Ew.
TOG -- I happen to think you look SMASHING in your photo, and your coral lipstick is lovely. I'm sory to have offended you so. ;)(Also? Come back soon; I miss your blog!)
Angella -- Ha! I did that to my jeans, too; we called it "pegging" then. It was a really really attractive look.
Claire -- You also kept track of your favorite songs of the moment in your diary? Sounds like a blog post to me...
Pais -- EXCELLENT theories, all of them.
LVGurl -- I was ALSO thinking about who the hell was paying for this. Maybe she just told her parents it was a really really expensive pedicure.
Beingmccrary- Ugh, when I saw this, I felt SO old. Sigh. Pass me my walker.
Whiskeymarie -- I'm *completely* cracking up at the thought of Lil' Whiskey, hiding her drying thongs in the closet.
Darren -- Hoo-hah! You said hoo-hah! I love it!
Ahem.
I'm giddy now. I don't know what it is, but that phrase makes me giggle incessantly.
Chickadee -- Love your optimism, my friend...but I'd hold on to that cane. :)
Cadiz12 -- This was in NYC, so I assume she took the subway and got there herself. On the other hand, perhaps her parents are okay with this, and they drove her there.
*shudder*
Let's hope it was the former.
Just start thinking about when precious little Toopweets starts dating Miss Bajillion Fax. That puts a whole new slant on things! UGH!
I recognized all those songs...The one nobody identified for you was "Bermuda Bahamas"...that was Kokomo by the Beach Boys...
ummm... is she even old enough to have a reason to wax-on, wax-off?
"Bajillion tankini fax" may be the most hilarious phrase I've ever had the pleasure to come across in my blog reading.
Here's to you, Metalia. Bravo! :)
That is just wrong. NOBODY needs a bajillion bikini fax. NOBODY.
I didn't read through all the comments. So I'm afraid that I'm going to sounds like a freak. But yeah, what in the crap was this girl doing there? Where was her mother?
At 15 I would have died before I even discussed the existence of body hair...let alone paid someone a lot of money to remove mine.
Oh dear Lord, I'm old.
(although, I'm all about the faxing now that I'm older and wiser.)
'Bermuda, Bahamas'? Is that the same thing as "Kokomo" by the Beach Boys? HEE.
Oh, I got here by way of Lawyerish. Your 8th grade diaries sound scarily similar to mine. Ultra exciting.
Ahhh, back when our diaries showed our ADD :)
I have had a few BTFs, especially since i met someone whose religion requires the trimming and removal of all of that and the underarm, (oooo now you know they are all like that! trimmed! or removed! I think most men trim, but then again I've only seen one. Think anyone would think it odd if I took a survey?). I think that's way too young for a BTF! WAY TOO YOUNG!
I also found my way over from Lawyerish and honestly laughed out loud here at work. Hilarious Post!
Okay, Fear and Loathing... First, you need to get hold of some Ether. Oh, nevermind.
Yeah, I never want to turn into one of those "The kids these days!" people. I hate them. But I'm old now and I guess it's inevitable.
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