I’m hosting a luncheon, of sorts, at our apartment this week. I haven’t entertained in eons and greatly enjoy the planning and attendant listmaking that such an endeavor entails; what sucks, however, is that I actually have to…you know, do the things on the list. Realizing that I needed to get off my ass and go food shopping for this thing, I headed out to the supermarket today. Rather than rambling on incessantly, my entire supermarket experience today can be neatly summed up in the following five question quiz, entitled...
“Are You Perhaps my Secret Twin?”
Open your test booklets:
1. Are the children of the world working your last nerve with their devil wheelie shoes?
2. If you came across this product while food shopping, would you purchase it?
3. Are you irked by the current trend of referring to all things environmentally friendly as “green” ? (Suck it, “green” toothpicks. You’re not green. Come talk to my chartreuse Pringles! Which are weirdly delicious, by the way.)
4. After noting that your total purchase exceeded $500, would you still return your shopping cart to the locking chain thing to retrieve your goddamn quarter? (In case you’re unfamiliar, some stores require you to put a quarter into the cart to “unlock” it from the other carts to which it’s chained.)
5. Let's say you saw Days of Thunder by the register on the “$9.99 or less!” DVD rack, enticing you with its nostalgic packaging, and your own cherished memories of Tom Cruise (a.k.a. one Mr. Cole Trickle) uttering such gems as, “Speed…To be able to control it. To know that I can control something that's out of control." Would you strongly consider buying it, rather than walking on by like a normal person? (Note: Logic prevailed, and I refrained, but the question is, would you consider it.)
Sharpened number 2 pencils only, please.