“Are You Perhaps my Secret Twin?”
Open your test booklets:
1. Are the children of the world working your last nerve with their devil wheelie shoes?
2. If you came across this product while food shopping, would you purchase it?
3. Are you irked by the current trend of referring to all things environmentally friendly as “green” ? (Suck it, “green” toothpicks. You’re not green. Come talk to my chartreuse Pringles! Which are weirdly delicious, by the way.)4. After noting that your total purchase exceeded $500, would you still return your shopping cart to the locking chain thing to retrieve your goddamn quarter? (In case you’re unfamiliar, some stores require you to put a quarter into the cart to “unlock” it from the other carts to which it’s chained.)
5. Let's say you saw Days of Thunder by the register on the “$9.99 or less!” DVD rack, enticing you with its nostalgic packaging, and your own cherished memories of Tom Cruise (a.k.a. one Mr. Cole Trickle) uttering such gems as, “Speed…To be able to control it. To know that I can control something that's out of control." Would you strongly consider buying it, rather than walking on by like a normal person? (Note: Logic prevailed, and I refrained, but the question is, would you consider it.)
Sharpened number 2 pencils only, please.
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18 comments:
Alas, I am not your secret twin. But my husband is. I am scared. Although I think this means we would get along great.
Twins on #3 and 4. And possibly #2, if I was hungry while shopping.
I must be your secret cousin at least, since I heartily agree with you on No. 1. Maybe it's mean of me, but I'd sure like to see one of those sly little runts fall on their ass as they glide down the sidewalk. Hee.
I am not your secret twin.
1. Yes, absolutely. I was writing a story on deadline in a cafe, being cool wireless reporter girl, as a dad let his monster zoom around on wheelies - repeatedly within inches of me and my delicately perched laptop. I did not scream, so kudos to me. But I considered it.
2. No, because I am a California girl and can snottily say things like "I grew up with avocado trees in my back yard and I only like real, fresh guacamole, not that fake green stuff from the supermarket."
3. Where were these people 20 years ago when I was carrying my hemp reusable sacks to the grocery co-op, where I would buy homemade tofu from a plastic bucket?
4. We don't have those here yet, for which I am truly thankful. But, chaaaaa, of course. A quarter is a quarter.
5. No way. I have never, ever bought a DVD and do not plan to start. It is only about 1 movie out of 1000 that I would consider watching twice. I am cranky that way.
Hi! I'm your secret twin...it's nice to meet cha!
1. I HATE those effing shoes and was super glad to see that my local grocery store put up a sign stating "NO SKATING-This includes shoes with wheels" even though I still saw 1200 little shits rolling around the store.
2. I HAVE bought these Pringles and must say, they were pretty damn good.
3. "Green??" I don't get it either.
4. Hellz yes I want my mother effin quarter back. Bastards.
5. I bought "Mommie Dearest" from said rack yesterday.
1. I haven't seen the wheelie shoes yet. But the chirping shoes (they're like your farting shoes, only louder and more deliberate) make me mental.
2. I prefer the guacamole Lay's. That's a brand of potato chip, not anything weird.
3. I'm irked by the whole I AM SHERYL CROW AND I ONLY EVER USE ONE SQUARE OF TOILET PAPER IN THE BATHROOM AND NEVER EVER FLUSH BECAUSE I AM SO AWESOME trend, because I remember the 1970s when we did the same damned thing right before we did the humongous SUV trend.
4. Oh, metalia. You know you gave the cart to one of your hobos so he could have the quarter.
5. Not Days of Thunder, but I have stood frozen in Target staring at Cocktail for an unseemly amount of time.
Those Pringles ARE weirdly delicious. Though they taste nothing like guacamole. ;)
I would not be tempted by Mr. Cruise for $9.99, but I did once buy "The Boy in a Plastic Bubble" starring one very young Mr. John Travolta for $1.00. What? It's worth it for the backstory alone. You know...he ended up having an affair with the woman who played his mother, until she died of cancer (in his arms)and he accepted an Emmy Award for her posthumously. You couldn't script that.
Let's see . . .
1. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. I have thus far refrained from tripping one of the rolling trolls (or their clueless parents), but I don't know how much longer I can restrain myself.
2. Hmmm. Probably not. Day-Glo orange Pringles are natural. Avocado green are not.
3. Yes! And I am tired of hotels guilting me into not having towels & sheets changed daily in the name of "conservation", when you know that all they truly care about conserving is money.
4. Yes. Ridiculous, but true.
5. Well, Tom Cruise makes my skin crawl. Although I may have been tempted by Top Gun. The ubiquitous volleyball scene overrides all reason. Although I did buy Shag and Clue (love!) in a similar situation. So this one is at least a maybe.
Fraternal twins?
I am SICK TO DEATH of those infernal wheelie shoes, especially since I just spent an afternoon at Chuck E. Cheese this weekend, and every kid seemed to be wearing the damn things.
God, I'm a grump. But I don't care. They're stupid!
I'm not sure I'd buy those chips. I'd need a sample first.
I kind of love that the whole green thing is catching on, myself. It gives me hope that we'll reverse the whole global warming debacle. But yeah...green toothpicks? It's going a little far. "Green" doesn't belong in my mouth.
Yes, I'd get the quarter!
I wouldn't get "Days of Thunder," but I'm SO with Lizarita..."Mommie Dearest"! Or "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun." I'm easy.
$500???? What the hell did you buy? A whole cart of expensive meats? $100 truffles?
Just start "accidentally" tripping the brats on wheels. One bout of road rash would put a stop to this nonsense.
I would buy the chips, but I'd also buy a can of the Jalapeno pringles, because I KNOW I love those, and I'd want a backup in case the guac chips didn't do it for me.
My favorite "green" thing I've seen- tampons.
A quarter is a quarter, and I hate not putting things back where they belong. Plus the $500 shopping trip would have induced a mild panic attack coupled with an immediate need to horde money in a mattress for me.
never saw DOT, but like Lizwig, I would tackle someone for the "Boy in the Plastic Bubble".
$1? A steal.
1. Those kids don't bother me too much.
2. I'd totally buy those chips if not for my vow to eat healthier.
3. All this green stuff is a trend, like all those celebs who did PETA "I'd rather go naked than wear fur" ads and claimed to hate fur - until it showed up on the runways again. Good cause, but I don't take many people seriously who say they are "green."
4. I HAVE to put the cart where it belongs. ALWAYS.
5. Days of Thunder wouldn't tempt me. Not that I wouldn't watch it, but it's been on TV so much lately. And I've seen it every time. Who could resist?
"Go out there and hit the pace car.... You've hit everything else out there, and I want you to be perfect."
Alas, I really thought, based on previous knowledge of how your brain works, that I might be your secret twin, but since I think I likely answered properly only one of those questions, I suppose I'm not. Oh well.
1. I do find them annoying, but I am also intrigued...Would I fall down if I wore them?
2. Not a fan of guacamole in any form.
3. I don't like that. If you call it green, I better see something green. Otherwise, something like "environmentally friendly" or "E.F." will work just fine. i.e. "I got one of those new E.F. cars last week..."
4. If I got my quarter, then my purchase was only $499.75. Of course I'd get it.
5. The only Tom Cruise movie I stop flipping through the channels to watch is Jerry Maguire.
1. YES! For the love of Pete!
2. Likely. Pringles ROCK.
3. Heck yes!
4. People DON'T get the quarter???
5. Consider it, but logic would prevail for me as well.
:)
I found myself writing way too much to answer these questions, so I just posted them on
my own blog...
since my dad fathered many children out of wedlock while married to my mother, the possibility exists we could be related.
yes, on the pringles and yes to everything green unless it is of the seafoam variety.
and i've totally bought dvd's off the bargain rack. garfield would be one of the regrettable ones to date.
1. Yes. Kill kill kill. I will trip one of you in the grocery one day. Oh yes. I will.
2. Hell. Yes.
3. Yes. Also irked by "free range" and "organic" (although somewhat suckered into purchasing)
4. Of course. I love quarters.
5. Would have purchased.
Have a great weekend!
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