Piracy. It's a Crime.

J and I recently sat down to watch a movie. The movie itself is not important, and I’m not being evasive because it was of a "mature" nature, or anything, but rather because it was wretched, it had been my choice, and I’m really just horribly embarrassed to even admit what it was.

So anyway, there we were, settling in to wat—

Okay!

Fine!

It was American Dreamz! Dreamz with a Z! There! Are you happy now?!

Before the actual movie began, however, we sat through the even more insufferable “Don’t buy pirated DVDs!” PSA/trailer admonishment thing. Now, if you’re asking yourself why we didn’t just fast forward to the movie, I’ll let this scene do the talking:

Me: Oh, good Lord. I hate this stupid commercial thing.

J: Ugh, me too. Do you have the remote?

M: No. I think I gave it to Toopweets this morning to distract him from the enticing allure of the tangled USB cords. He’s quite fast, you know.

J: [Ignoring this.]

M: Look. He likes to eat the remote and push the circle button that lights up, and if that buys me five minutes to get dressed for work, I’m not planning on stopping him anytime soon.

J: You know, I support that. Ooh, I think I see the remote! It’s under the armoire! You see?

M: Yup.

J: So…there it is.

… … …

M: So just to be clear, neither of us is standing up to get it? Because we’re too lazy to do so, even though that means we’re stuck watching this assy PSA?

J: It would seem so, yes.

And…scene.

So anyway, the “Don’t steal DVDs!” preview thing.

Do you know of which I speak?

Please tell me that you do. For it is…well, just awful and ill-conceived in ways I can’t articulate. You know how I occasionally do reviews of really awful movies? Well, this 2-minute clip warranted its own. And I endured the pure torture of watching it a few times to write down all the words accurately. BECAUSE I CARE.

Our scene opens with a pulsing synth-guitar sound that would be equally at home in either Behind the Music: Hair Metal Bands of the 80s, or the ubiquitous “nerd becomes popular and/or hot, walks in slow motion down a hallway of lockers, tossing his/her hair with reckless abandon” scene from any movie of the same era. The following words flash across the screen:

You wouldn’t steal a car [Dude breaks into BMW.]

I'm with you so far, chief.

You wouldn’t steal a handbag [Man steals hideous purse from the back of a lady’s chair at an outdoor café.]

True enough, and I definitely wouldn’t steal the boxy, outdated pleather one here. It looks exactly like the one in the dress-up box I had as a kid. I’d don my mom’s old heels and shoulder-padded blazer, grab the hideous bag, and pretend I was off to work, as “Sisters are Doin’ it for Themselves” played in the background. And by “the background,” I mean “in my mind, right now.”

Ah, memories…

Wait. Where the hell was I going with this?

Oh, right.

My point was that this would’ve been a touch more realistic if they displayed a non-hideous bag. Like this one, perhaps. (If you can’t see the picture, it’s because I DROOLED ALL OVER IT.)

You wouldn’t steal a television [Guy carries a big-ass TV out of a street-level window, and magically runs with it as though it’s weightless.]

Do people steal TVs anymore? In this fashion, I mean. I think it would have been a lot more realistic and current if a Tony Soprano-esque dude kept watch as a truck full of plasma TVs was “diverted.” Also, exactly where is this guy running with this shitty TV? Does he think he’s getting any money for it on the street? It’s literally 127 years old. If you look closely, I think you can see the moon landing flickering across the screen.

It all just makes me sad for the thief.

And finally…

You wouldn’t steal a DVD [Man in video store surreptitiously slips DVD into his coat.]

Okay, this is where they start losing me. I’d hazard a guess that at least a few of you out there have stolen something small at some point in your life, be it a pack of gum, that hot pink plastic charm bracelet with a roller skate on it at the drugstore register when I was 5 or...well, a DVD. But let’s see where they’re going with this:

DOWNLOADING PIRATED FILMS IS STEALING.

STEALING IS AGAINST THE LAW.

PIRACY. IT’S A CRIME.

Wait…what?

Now, it’s not that I don’t agree, it’s just that…well, the whole premise is a little bit of a stretch, no? I agree in theory that pirating movies is wrong, I just fail to see how doing so is on the level of…oh, I don’t know…GRAND THEFT AUTO.

Also? The props and general direction of this whole thing lead me to believe that it was cooked up by a bunch of ancient advertising executives in rumpled suits and unfashionably wide ties who keep coughing on their fetid cigars, and pounding each other on the back, congratulating themselves on being so “hep” to the pulse of today’s youth.

Oh, and they’re in dusty a room with fake wood paneling, for some reason. And one of those old-timey fans, but it has a ribbon knotted onto the bottom of the pull chain, because the little elderly executives are too short to reach the chain. And they don’t want to fall off a chair trying to reach it; hence the ribbon.

Yeah, um…welcome to my mind.