Step 2: Bash the ever-loving shit out of the Metalia family’s shiny new car in the process, such that the bumper is now concave. Look around to make sure that they are nowhere nearby.
Step 3: (And this is important…) Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES are you to leave a note with any contact information.
Step 4: Flee like the ass that you are.
Yay! Extensive auto body damage! Fun times for all!
Our car is paying a visit to Eddie the mechanic in the morning, which should be a joyous and not-at-all-expensive event. His estimate on the damage will determine whether my haircut tomorrow afternoon (more on that in a minute) will be carried out by my usual stylist…or the 497-year-old eyepatch-wearing barber in the subway station who cuts hair for $10. Actually, I’m not even sure that he’s a real barber. He might just be a crazy, scissors-wielding old man who hangs out in the subway. I just don’t know. The point is…people are sometimes jerks, and this is what it leads to: Potential car repair-induced poverty resulting in major hair trauma at the hands of a weird old guy who may or may not be an actual $10 barber. And it breaks my hea-a-a-a-a-a-aart (Regina Spektor style).
Speaking of which…(segue alert!), we saw The Break Up this weekend. Um…what the hell? Did anyone else see this? Honest to God, the movie was bipolar. I felt as if the director couldn’t decide if the movie should be a comedy or a drama, and just shrugged and made a comedy/drama…a comma, if you will. It was mildly redeemed by Jennifer Aniston’s movie brother, as well as her wardrobe (which I covet in this movie and in her real life, as well).
On to cheerier things:
I am totally getting bangs again, thanks to your input. Seriously, you guys are the best.
And!
Lately, people cannot stop complimenting me on my glowing skin.
Well, that’s not exactly true.
What I mean to say is that I ran into someone I tangentially know, and she said I looked all glowy, while eyeing my midsection suspiciously.
And then I punched her in the neck.
(I kid! I kid!)
In addition to her, however, exactly two people that I don’t want to punch in the neck had recently asked me what makeup I’ve been using to achieve said glow. And, as I told them, it's not makeup; my secret is this stuff: Boots No. 7 Radiant Glow Lotion.
On a Target jaunt a while back, I picked this stuff up. I’m forever on the hunt for, what is to me, the Holy Grail of face lotions: One that will lightly moisturize, absorb quickly, and make me look glowy, but not through the use of glittery sparkles. This has been surprisingly difficult to find. (I’M LOOKING AT YOU, NEUTROGENA ILLUMINATING WHIPPED MOISTURIZER! I’M NOT GOING TO A RAVE, FOR THE LOVE OF CHEESE! IT'S 2007! LOSE THE GLITTER!)
This Radiant Glow Lotion, however, is amazing; it’s light, has a very unobtrusive scent, and has a verrrry subtle and NON-SPARKLY radiance. I love it, and highly recommend it.*
(Although...my Google searching appears to indicate that it's hard to find lately, so I'm really just teasing you. Oops. Well, it should be coming back to Target soon, if it's not already there.)
UPDATE: J took the car to the mechanic this morning to assess the damage done by Douchey McJerkface. (And as I had mentioned, the extent of the damage would have a direct impact on how much I could spend on my haircut.) This is a true re-enactment of our conversation:
J: Hey, sweetie.
Me: Hi! What's the deal?
J: It's bad.
M: Bad how?
J: It's going to cost a lot.
M: Just tell me.
J: You're going to have to get a haircut with a Flowbee.
M: A Flowbee?!
J: A Flowbee.
M: Like crazy Tom Cruise?
J: Yup. Sorry, kiddo.
M: Noooooooo!
_______________________________
*The only downside is that it has no SPF, so I usually slather on a bit of Aveeno face lotion (which does) first. Eh. To me, it's a small price to pay for the pretty, pretty glow.
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17 comments:
What a DICK! I'm sorry about your car, but can't really focus on that due to the luminous lotion suggestion.
I can attest to your driving skills....we were in a car accident together when u first moved "north of Manhattan." We never did get that pizza.
I watched about ten minutes of "The Break Up" once, and it seemed too...angry somehow. I didn't see how it was supposed to be funny, as the characters, at least in the scene I saw, had no redeeming qualities. I couldn't even watch it to ogle the apartment, which says a lot.
The Break Up was, well, "what the hell?" is a pretty good summary. If the goal was to take two perfectly likable actors and make me want to thump them both in the head repeatedly, then: success!
That is so horrible! I am so sorry about your car! Someone crashed into H's car once when it was parked on the street. They hit his car so hard that it was pushed up onto the curb, and the front axle broke. H called the police, and they were like, "What's your point?" Grrr.
But thanks for the lotion suggestion!
I wasn't a fan of "The Break Up" either. Mostly because it made Anthony and myself eye each other suspiciously for the good most of the movie. Which is mostly because we're assholes.
Oh, and I believe the term you are looking for is "dramedy." Suck it, dramedy!
I did the same thing this winter in a parking lot and I still feel guilty about it.
I'm going to car hell, I just know it. I hear that you parallel-park and drive in parking ramps for all eternity...
I'm getting me that lotion, stat!
Someone once hit my car, too, then drove off and left me to discover the damage. Assholes.
But once, just to fuck with someone I thought was being rude in a parking lot, I left a note on their car apologizing for hitting. It made me giggle, thinking about this person slowly being driven insane looking for the mysterious dent.
Damn you for making me go to Target to buy $15.99 glowy lotion stuff at lunchtime! (My target only had 2 left.)
Dear God. I have got to get me some of that lotion. So far you haven't let me down when it comes to product suggestions!
Can you get nice bangs with a Flobee?
The one time I accidentally ran into someone's car in a parking lot and left a dent, I also left a note - and the victim never called me back.
It's good karma to leave a note, complete evil karma to bail without the note. They'll be repaid.
Terribly sorry for the misfortune with the car. Maybe your glowing skin will detract people from noticing your Flowbee cut? Good luck with that.
Also, thank you both for saving me from "The Break up" (I couldn't decide if I should leave it on my Netflix list or not, and it seems you are telling me Not) and for providing yet another useful product recommendation. I still have to get me some of that O-Glow you raved about...
Sorry about the car!
I hear ya on The Break Up. I went to see it at the theatre with the girls last summer and walked out thinking, "meh"
Let me know how the Flowbee works - I could use it for my kids :)
i rented the "break up" and fell asleep within 10 minutes.
flowbee? can you even find one those contraptions anymore?
at this moment, my hair looks like it was cut by a flowbee. i paid a shit-load to look this awesome.
and sorry about the car. the same situation has happened to be several times. it sucks having to be a grown-up sometimes.....
I'm sorry to hear about your car damage. That totally sucks!
If you are interested in using a Flobee, I think my cousin might still have one. I can arrange shipment of such.
I love Boots stuff. And I LURRVE that I can get it at Target now. I usually buy assloads of Boots shampoo and stuff when I am home.
ps) your bangs are hot.
pps) i hate the word bangs. but they are though!
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