Jujubes and Diamonds

One of my very worst qualities is my tendency to get easily distracted when dealing with annoying tasks. The clothes-covered chair in my bedroom, for instance, has been abandoned by me so many times that it’s bordering on just plain rude. We’re like an on-again, off-again couple from an 80’s romantic comedy. I’ll occasionally realize the error of my ways, and decide that TODAY IS THE DAY that my sweaters from early December will finally get folded up and put away for the summer. The day that I’m willing to give this thing one more shot. I let the chair know this, of course, by doing this:

The chair becomes overjoyed that I’m finally putting time into our relationship, and “I’m a Believer” begins to play as we frolic, taking all manner of goofy pictures together in the photo booth that magically appears in my bedroom. Needless to say, the chair and I also share one milkshake with two straws, and go on a roller coaster together, our respective arms waving high in the air. All is right with the world! But then, things quickly turn, and go back to the way they were. I get distracted, and the clothes pile up once again. Who’s to say why these things happen? Perhaps I discovered a new blog, or decided that I HAD to make Caramel Fudge Squares right now (yum!)…

OR.

Perhaps Dirty Dancing was on.

People, I love this movie.

I feel like it's always on, but I never catch it. The other night, I did.

Needless to say, my plans to draw up my packing list for Chicago and finish clearing off the goddamn chair were quickly abandoned. I was transfixed. Naturally, I need to discuss it here, if for no other reason than my ongoing quest to review both cheesy dance movies, and cheesy Patrick Swayze movies. (And here they are, together!) The question was how to do it. Obviously, there’s That One Scene that everyone waits for, but I’m not going to talk about it, because it’s been done to death. And so, I give you this:

My Top Five Moments in Dirty Dancing That Do Not Involve the Corner, Baby, and Her Inappropriate Placement Therein:

The Hair Brushing

When Johnny (Castle! His last name is Castle! I did NOT remember that! Who knew?!) is fired from Kellerman's, and Baby is depressed, her sister Lisa tries to comfort her by telling her that she will (wait for it)...brush her hair. Lisa, Baby already has frizzy curls. Is this helping or hurting?

The Maraca Shaking

When Penny says “Oh, come on ladies. God wouldn’t have given you maracas if he didn’t want you to shake ’em.” I find this particularly hilarious because, if memory serves, she says this to a large group of elderly women.

The Jujubes

This movie contains what is perhaps one of the most nonsensical lines ever uttered in the history of cinema, namely, “Last month I'm eating Jujubes to keep alive, and this month women are stuffing diamonds in my pocket.” Swayze gets bonus points for being able to keep a straight face and actually convey sincerity while saying it. Each and every time I watch this scene, I imagine the writers’ room coming up with this line by essentially playing Mad Libs:

Head Writer: Okay fellas, work with me here: ‘Last month I’m eating BLANK to stay alive, and this month women are stuffing BLANK in my pocket.’ Fill in those two blanks, guys! Hit me!

Writer 1: He’s eating…pizza crusts to stay alive, and the women are stuffing…panties in his pocket!

HW: No! Too obvious! Outside the box, you lazy jackasses!

Writer 2: Chestnuts and three-toed sloths!

HW: Too far outside the box. Keep it coming!

Writer 3: This line sucks donkey balls.

HW: You are SO fired, Murray. Pack up your knives and go. Writer 4! Whaddya got?

Writer 4: [Eating Jujubes, only partially paying attention.] Um, Jujubes and…diamonds?

HW: I…love it. Run with it, baby!

Seriously. Jujubes and diamonds?

The Smelling

When Johnny (Castle! I’m still not over that! HIS NAME IS CASTLE.) is explaining to Baby why he ends up sleeping with the rich, bored housewives who frequent the hotel, one of his explanations is that they “smell so good.” Um…okay.

The Kellerman’s Song

I must have seen this movie at least ten times, but I never really listened to the words of the Kellerman’s song, beyond “Join hands and hearts and voices, voices hearts and hands.” This time, however, when I got sucked in sat down to watch it, Toopweets had juuuust fallen asleep, and for fear of waking him, we watched the whole thing with the captions on. This song at the end? Just…wow. Did anyone else know that these were the (awful, awful) lyrics?

Daytime, nighttime, any hour whether rain or shine, Games and lectures, talks and music happily combine. Not a stress or strain is found here, for it must be said, Here at Kellerman's you’re gladdened, stomach, heart and head.

Sweet fancy Moses. I’m thinking that the aforementioned Writer 4 had a hand in this.

Extra Special Bonus: The YouTube

Yes, I know that YouTube has absolutely nothing to do with Dirty Dancing, but in doing my research to ensure that I was getting the quotes correct, I stumbled across this. Oh, YouTube. I love you so!