Um, let me back up. A lot.
I’m not into REAL pimps, but rather, I’ve just always found the whole furry hat, goldfish-in-the-platform-shoes, neon green suit thing utterly hilarious.
Then again, I’m easily entertained.
We spotted this in someone's car almost 6 months ago, and I still occasionally click on the picture and giggle:
Like I said…easily entertained.
And so imagine my utter delight today when I discovered that circumstances had once again brought laughably cheesy pimp paraphernalia into my life.
By way of background, J has, in short, the most fun job ever. He works in intellectual property licensing, and as such, his business brings him to many trade shows where clients GIVE HIM FREE STUFF AND SAMPLES OMG I LOVE FREE THINGS SOMEONE HELP.
[Hyperventilates into paper bag.]
He came home from one such trade show today with a bag of stuff. Let’s begin with the bag itself, shall we? It bears a relevant and powerful message:
Uh, isn’t your..."thing" sort of attached to your body? I guess you could try to carry it, but wouldn’t you look odd? I secretly wanted to use the bag, but J discouraged me, telling me that while lugging it through the train terminal, a weird man approached him and told him to "Carry [his] thing proud." So, um, maybe I won't take the bag. Any takers? ;)
And now for the bag’s contents; I will concede that it did contain a great many useful and practical items, but c’mon; that’s boring. There were, however, a few simply awesome things that I must discuss...
...Like the pimp cup.
God bless J, he does know me well. I daresay I reacted the same way upon seeing the pimp cup as I do when he gives me fine jewelry. That is to say, gleeful. (Thanks, love!)
Carrying on my proud tradition of photographing Toopweets in pictures he will hate me for in 15 years (“T, honey! Don’t be mad! Ari Gold was a really cool character from Entourage back in the day! So was Turtle! Hey, give me back my car keys!"), please feast your eyes on this:
This was actually a huge mistake, because it instantly became his new favorite toy, and really, how do I explain that to people? Must. Hide. Pimp. Cup. Still in the running for Mom of the Year!
The next items were equally awesome; I mean, when you try to think of something that epitomizes refined, understated elegance, what image pops into your mind? Is it perhaps…this?
It just doesn’t get any more sophisticated than "his & hers" bedazzled pimp/ho shot glasses. It can't! It’s scientifically impossible. Sigh...I think I love them.
I tried to not-so-subtly class up the glasses (or “shooterz,” according to the package) by placing them atop some intelligent reading material. But then, as the evening wore on and we put the baby to sleep, the hypnotic lure of the shooterz proved to be too great: We decided that the only thing to do (naturally) was to actually drink from them, and…well, you’ll see. The trashiness factor of the shot glasses is so high that even being in their proximity literally causes you and everything around you to devolve. You can’t see us in the picture, but trust me when I tell you that, mysteriously, I am in a sundress and clear plastic heels, and J is wearing manpris and Federline-esque sneakers:
Staged? Whuh? I don't know what you're talking about.
I think there were more items that I wanted to talk about, but Us Weekly isn’t reading itself, and I have to go finish eating these cheese curls.Peace, yo. (Schnozz, that was for you.)