Crushed II: Teen Idol Version- UPDATED

A few months back, I wrote a post about my embarrassing crushes. It was one of my favorite posts ever because the comments, wherein you confessed to your own weird crushes, had me in stitches. With that in mind, I'm revisiting the "embarrassing crush" topic here:

Ah, Sunday mornings. So full of possibilities!

You make some pancakes from scratch, get a little ambitious, and somehow decide that, YES! Today is the day that you’ll take your husband and son apple picking! You love apples! They love apples! You will pick apples and then make something cinnamon-y with them! Possibly while wearing a tunic made out of whole grain that you will weave yourself! You are one with the earth! And none of this has anything at all to do with the books you’ve been reading lately!

And then.

Somehow, six hours pass, and you find yourself sitting on your parents’ couch with your husband and father, eating what are most decidedly unnature-friendly cheese balls and watching the Giants totally blow a game. (And where, may I ask, is your defense, boys?)

Damn you, lofty Sunday morning dreams.

And then.

Your child is napping. Your husband, fretting about his fantasy team, continues to watch the game. You have a massive footlocker full of childhood memories in your parents’ attic that your mom has been asking you to sift through for years some time now. And so, you make your way up there and start to go through it.

And then things get interesting. More interesting than apple picking could have ever been. Suck it, apples! (That was for you, Isabel.)

I believe I’ve mentioned before that I had a deep and abiding love for Leonardo DiCaprio. Well, I did. So much so that I had a shrine devoted to him on my wall. Which I then kept in this damn box for nearly ten years. (WHYYY???) Behold:

The saddest part, however, is what you can’t see. Specifically, my extensive Leonardo DiCaprio biography collection, including one book entitled, I swear, Lovin’ Leo.

(Oh, sweet Moses! It's still in print!)

(Oh, dear God! Read the customer reviews! My favorite: “It to hot to touch. I just get a felling when I read it. My heart sank after i read it. HE IS CUTE.”)

I read these books religiously, and...wow. I’m ashamed to say that I can still involuntarily supply you with some key Leo facts, including his mom’s name (Irmelin!), his birthday (November something!) and his favorite food (pasta!). Unfortunately, recalling those very relevant items of information had the regrettable side effect of taking over the space in my brain where trigonometry used to reside. (Goodbye, sine! Goodbye cosine! And goodbye, tangent! I'll miss you most of all!) Oh, well.

Of course, upon further reflection, all of this is overshadowed, both literally and figuratively, by the LIFE SIZE PROMOTIONAL CUTOUT of his character from Romeo and Juliet that I also possessed, a gift from a kindly Blockbuster employee. That, at least, is long gone.

(Hello? Hey, wait! Where are you going? I’m over the fixation now, I swear!)

Um…let’s take the focus off of me and my Leo crush, shall we?

I also discovered in the box a Seventeen magazine from 1998. Amidst a plethora of unintentionally humorous articles and quizzes, the undisputed standout was an piece entitled “She’s Your Mom…So Why is She Competing with You?”

My favorite lines:

"While mom may be rockin’ out to your Chumbawumba CD…" [Not "rocking" mind you, but "rockin'"]

"Baby tees are all the rage, so you go out and buy yourself a tight black number that shows off your belly-button ring when you wear it with your low-riding cargo pants. Two days later, mom comes home with a bag from Contempo Casuals containing the same baby tee."

"Liz’s mom buys identical chokers and bindis!"

"If you’ve just about had it with Mama wearing hip huggers and platforms, don’t tell her that she looks like a dork."

Ha ha! Isn't that funny? Pathetic moms! Driving their daughters crazy! Oh, the hilarity! Who can even remember what we were talking about before? Certainly not me!

Ooh, I am a crafty master of distraction.

But...damn it all, let’s get back to Leo (and the like) for just a second, because I must know:

Who was your embarrassing teen crush?

I defy you to have been more obsessed with yours than I was with Leo. Beautiful, sensitive Leo.

* * * * * * UPDATE * * * * * *

I TOLD you I was going to love your old teenage crushes. Although I had to look some of them up because I *ahem* didn't know who they were (hello, I am a fetus, and an uninformed one at that), I cracked up all the same. There was one standout teen idol crush, however, upon whom I must direct your attention. Lovely Holly (whose adorable haircut I completely covet) confessed to having a crush on a British one-hit wonder named Chesney Hawkes. Naturally, I Googled him. OH, HOLLY.

I am seriously, seriously unable to stop laughing.

As you were!