Drawer Story

You know what sucks?

Well, lots of things, like High School Musical, raisins of all kinds, people who know you hate raisins and still try to get you to secretly eat things with raisins in them, just so they can be The Person Who Got Metalia To Eat Raisins, And Wouldn’t You Know It? She Ate The Thing I Gave Her Even Though It Has Raisins, Which She Allegedly Hates! (Side note: What is UP with you raisin-lovin’ people? STOP SECRETLY TRYING TO FEED ME RAISINS! Why does it matter so much to you? Please, I must know!)

Ahem.

Back on track:

…and of course, the suckiest thing of all? The convergence of seasonal wardrobe rotation/clean out the drawers time with the fact that I have been traveling a lot these past few weeks, and have been packing and unpacking practically nonstop. Do you know what happens when you live out of bags AND simultaneously try to keep your closets and drawers organized and seasonally-appropriate? THIS! THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS:

[Deep, cleansing breaths.]

I know, it’s awful. I can't blame you if you’re vomiting in terror right now. But tonight (even though I’m leaving for yet another trip tomorrow) I took the time to reorganize EVERYthing. And…well, holy shit. I found some insane things buried in there. In fact, I found a small grocery bag in the back of my closet filled with things that I have literally been moving from apartment to apartment for the past 8 years. I will never wear any of it again. (To wit: If anyone has use for a neon yellow and orange shirt from a NY-area radio station that I received from a prize van in 1992? Just let me know.)

All of which flows neatly into my latest obsession: This Flickr group.

Sure, I get up each morning and put on office-appropriate gear to face the day, but oh, how I long for the weekends when I can be my true slobby self. Vans! Flip flops! Hoodies! Drawstring pants! HEAVEN. This, coupled with The Great Closet Cleanout of ’07 inspired the following list:

The Five Slobbiest, Most Embarrassing Things I Still Own/Wear

Pink Sparkly Princess Socks

Oh, dear. There is actually a story here, which is that my bachelorette party started out at a bowling alley. Yes, I know. Let’s move on, shall we? Now, I had NO idea where we were going at first, and, once informed that we were starting out the evening with some bowling, I looked down at my sockless feet. I visualized all the raunchy-ass foot diseases and fungi I could catch bowling sans socks, and my friends and I made a detour to a 24 hour Duane Reade, and these little babies were the only relatively normal socks they had. Beggars can’t be choosers, however, and so I bought them and off we went into the night. The bigger question here is why I still have them nearly four years later, and why I occasionally wear them (ONLY with long pants). (I said OCCASIONALLY!)

Old Shirt

My dad used to wear this on his track team. In high school. From which he graduated in 1972. It’s basically completely sheer at this point, and I’m fairly certain that the flash from the camera just disintegrated the three remaining fibers that were holding the shirt together. The hem is uneven, it’s all stretched out, but I still occasionally wear it. And by “wear it,” I don’t mean “ONLY in the privacy of my own home” but also, unfortunately, “under a black cardigan with jeans, as if it can pass as a vintage tee when I need to quickly run out to the supermarket.”

Unfortunate J. Lo-Brand Velour Sweatsuit

I have no excuse, and I don’t know what I was thinking. My only justification is that I never wear the two pieces together. I’ve looked high and low, but have been unable to find the hoodie part of this outfit to give you the full effect. Suffice it to say it is a powder blue velo--you know what? Just picture this:

HAWT.

Leggings

Now don’t you worry, I’m not getting involved in the whole “are they cute or are they heinous” debate. No, my leggings are on this for a very different reason. You see, when leggings recently became fashionable again, I was torn. I remember owning white lace leggings in the early 80s, not unlike these:

And so I was understandably skittish about the whole concept. Most people would’ve, I don’t know, tried some on in the store, perhaps?

Not me.

I made my own.

By cutting off the bottoms off a pair of opaque tights.

I KNOW.

Nursing Bra

It’s not so much the nursing bra as the idiot who put donned it. About two weeks after I gave birth to Toopweets, I decided to take him for a little walk. Simple, right? As those of you who have had kids know, however, getting from point A (making the decision to go for a walk) to point B (physically getting ourselves out the door) took about 3 hours. (This was my first “real” trip outside with him, and, though I now know that going AROUND THE BLOCK does not necessitate a fully-packed diaper bag, I had no idea at the time.)

Anyway, I got dressed in a tank top and a drawstring skirt and we set out on our way. I soon noticed that I was getting a few looks from passers-by. I paid them no mind, and simply smiled back broadly, assuming that they were enjoying the sight of mother and baby enjoying the summer weather.

I soon noticed that their glances were directed at my chest. I was sort of annoyed, but at the same time, a tiny bit proud that two weeks after giving birth, people were ogling me.

It was then that an elderly Southern woman quietly informed me that I had a “cup issue.” She made some vague gestures, and used the word “bosom.”

Whereupon I died.

It seems that in all my preparation to leave for The Big Walk, I had neglected to re-latch one side of my nursing bra, and was strolling around in a fairly snug tank top.

Hence the stares.

Can you imagine if I was famous? And the US Weekly paparazzi caught me? I'd have been in "Stars: They're Just Like Us!" section, no question.

While the nursing bra is not an embarrassing/slobby item of clothing, per se, I think you’ll agree that this situation warrants a place for it in this list.

So what about you? What are the most awful items of clothing that you still have and wear?