I’ve made a concerted effort to avoid getting involved in the whole working mom/stay-at-home mom debate thus far. For one thing, I feel that it's patently asinine to judge the decisions that anyone makes in this regard, as there's no right or wrong choice here. And I can't believe I'm even writing about this, even tangentially here. But I have to get something off my chest that's been plaguing me ever since Toopweets got sick last week.
I made light of the situation last week, but his virus was really quite scary. Thursday night was a horror. By Friday morning, however, he was noticeably better, and his fever had broken. I had a big work deadline, so I decided to go to the office, do what I needed to do, and leave as soon as possible to be with my kid. J and I decided to send Toopweets to the pediatrician, just to have him checked out. As we do every day, we left him in the very capable hands of our fabulous nanny and hightailed it to work. At 9 am on the dot, I called our pediatrician from my office to schedule a visit for that morning. The doctor herself picked up the phone (I know!!), whereupon we had the following conversation:
Me: Hi, this is Metalia. Toopweets was sick last night with [listed symptoms]. I'm sure it's that virus that's going around, but I wanted you to check him out anyway. Can you by any chance fit him in today?
Pediatrician: Can you bring him in at 10?
M: I'm at work right now, but my nanny will bring him in then.
P: [Sighing audibly.] Oh.
M: Is everything okay?
P: Well I just assumed that you would bring him in, seeing as you think he’s sick enough for a visit here.
M: [Jaw on floor.]
P: Does she speak English?
M: What??
P: Does your nanny speak English?
M: What? YES.
P: Okay, can I have a number to reach you at work?
M: [Reciting phone number. Annoyed.]
P: Thanks.
It hurts, people.
The thing that kills me here is that the pediatrician has, until now, been a warm, lovely person. She's an amazing diagnostician and has a great rapport with T. Either J or I (or both) make sure to attend every checkup and sick visit. This was one instance where circumstances precluded either of us from doing so.
And she gave me hell for it.
Because I went to work that morning.
That hurts. A lot.
Because I'm a good mother. Because I'm a mother who loves her son beyond words. Because I'm a responsible mother; one who puts her faith in the dependable and loving woman who cares for her kid each day, and my decision in this regard was rudely called into question. Because I'm also a mom who chooses to go to work, and I’ve never gotten shit for it until now.
I am quite honestly flummoxed as to how my decision to send T to the doctor with his nanny (who is conscientious, loving, and has been with us since he was three months old) equated to poor decision making on my part. Confused as to why the doctor automatically thought I would send my (possibly) sick baby to a medical professional with someone who didn't speak English.
It hurts.
I've never before felt judged for working again after I had T. And honestly, I think that FOR ME, doing so made me a better mom for a number of reasons, the upshot of which is that I know I'm much more patient with T than I would be if I was with him all day (especially now with the damn molars, and the syndrome I’ve decided is Early-Onset Terrible Twos). Because that's who I am, for better or worse, and this is what works FOR ME. And that’s all that matters.
I wish my pediatrician could know that my husband and I were up basically all night on Thursday, taking turns holding our sick boy. That she could know how I was vomited upon more times and in more volume than I ever care to experience again. That I was scared shitless, even knowing then that it was likely a virus. That even during the aggregate 3 hours of sleep that we did get, I was still waking every 15 minutes, like clockwork, to make sure that T was okay. That at one point, he fell asleep on my leg which was twisted into a position that hurt me like hell, but I didn't move. For over an hour. Because my sick baby was sleeping, and he was comfortable. And that even though he seemed considerably better by Friday morning, I still thought someone should take him in, just to make sure.
Yeah, I work. Yeah, I couldn't be at that appointment. But I'm still a mom, through and through.
And deciding to go to work that morning, whatever my reasons, shouldn't negate that, not in anyone's eyes.
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41 comments:
Boo to the judgement!
I am equal parts outraged and heartbroken for you. No one deserves that.
Also, you are an amazing mother. Anyone with eyes and half a brain would know that. And most of us have never even met you. Frankly, you make ME want to be a mom, and I NEVER thought that would happen.
Keep up the good work, lady!
You are absolutely right, you do not deserve a single ounce of judgement from anyone, especially someone who has only seen you be a warm and loving mother.
I'm sorry you had to experience that. Honestly. Even though we rationally know the judgment is unwarranted and uncalled for, it doesn't make it sting any less.
I hope T is feeling better. And I hope you are feeling better soon too.
I, too, am a mother that cannot stay home all day. It's better for me and my family if I do 'grown up' stuff, like work, to keep my sanity. I feel ya on that one.
As for the doctor, if it was necessary you be there, the doctor should have offered a different time that day. It's so hard as a parent to balance things and do the 'right' thing. But I think you did the best thing for you and that's all that really matters.
I hope that T is much much better!
Lame-o. You have no need to defend yourself or your actions. It's obvious you are a wonderful mother and I'm sorry you got ragged on my your doctor.
Wish she could read this post. :)
this makes me so sad. at times i think the medical profession (who happens to make more than the average bear) forget that most homes need two incomes in order to make a happy and secure family.
you are a great a mom and don't you forget it!
G-buns beat me to it! Many families need two incomes. Many people don't have flexible jobs where they can leave during the day. ACK! I can't believe a pediatrician, someone who is probably a working mother herself, could make you feel so badly. BOOOO!
I hope Toops is feeling better! :)
Oh, sweetie.
There is NO QUESTION as to how much you love T. It is THAT obvious.
Your doctor probably has dealt with some nimrod parents, and assumed you were another one.
WHICH YOU ARE SO NOT!
xoxoxoxoxo
All I could wonder while reading this was- does this doctor have any children of her own?
I have to agree with what Angella said regarding nimrod parents. We all know that there are a lot of them out there!
Just try to let it go, because you ARE a great mother and really, who is she to judge? You did what you felt was right- so in the end, that is all that matters.
Unbelievable! Either the Dr. makes you feel like crap, or if you stay home someone from work (with no kids) will make you feel bad.
I hear you on the "better Mom for working" deal. There is no way I could have stayed home before mine were school aged.
I think if you have a good rapport with the Dr., I would let her know how her comments made you feel. Maybe she was just having a bad day. Or, maybe she is jealous.
Even if you do not *need* to work, and your family could get by with just one income, you have a right to do so and should not be questioned for your choice.
Just wanted to make this point clear.
P
I'm thinking that the doctor has probably had a few too many encounters with the other kind of parent lately and it had sapped her patience by the time you called.
Still, that does not excuse the way she treated you. Regardless of her personal opinion, she had no right to give you shit like she did.
And you DO NOT have to justify the decisions you make regarding your lifestyle - to your kid's doctor or anyone else. You and your husband know yourselves better than any outsider, so nobody can decide what circumstances help you to be the best parents you can be better than you can.
I can't believe your doctor would speak to you like that! That's so unprofessional, not to mention impolite and just plain WRONG.
Sounds like it's time for a heart-to-heart with that pediatrician, and if she still gives you crap about working, find a new one.
Seems everyone has pretty much covered anything I was going to say, so I'll just say that I second all of the above. The nerve...
How very, very lame. Especially coming from a woman who is also a professional. I also think there was a lot of judgment in her saying "since YOU think he's sick enough for a visit." As if you're some kind of paranoid mom, and you've shipped your kid off to the doctor 55 times in the last month for minor symptoms.
I also hate the racism/elitism inherent in her "does she speak English?" question. Like a nanny must be too dim-witted to have a conversation with a pediatrician.
Not cool. NOT COOL.
My sense is that this is less about whether she thinks you're a bad mother and more about the weird calculus of time that doctors use to assess their own level of authority. The fact that she changed her schedule to see Toopweets but you didn't change yours to bring him in would seem to indicate that your time is more important than hers. And obviously this cannot be! You haven't been to medical school! How dare you! It probably also didn't help any that she was there before her receptionist and thus had to answer her own phone, like a commoner or a hobo.
Of course, she can't say any of that because it's asinine. So she takes a dig at your mothering abilities, since there is probably no mom alive who doesn't sometimes feel she should be at home if she's working and working if she's at home. I wouldn't even worry about it; you know that you're doing a good job with Toopweets, and his doctor's lack of manners shouldn't make you doubt that.
Maybe the doctor had just had an unpleasant experience with a nanny who didn't speak English. 'Cause honestly, I can't think of any other remotely acceptable reason for her to treat you that way.
I know you only through your blog, and I know you're a great mom!
Gah! And who is she to judge? Ya think she stayed at home and didn't practice medicine when her kids where little? Or even better, does she have her own children?
I am a stay at home mom and have received a whole other type of criticism.
"What? No daycare or preschool? Don't you think your son needs to be socialized with other children?"
"Actually I prefer to keep him bubble wrapped in a sterile room..."
You can't win. I have to tell myself all the time that doctors are regular people to, sometimes with strong opinions and verbal diarrhea.
Wow. Ouch. I can't believe she would say that to you! I am outraged FOR you.
I also work, and I know it makes me a better mom. The times when your kid is sick though are the hardest because you have to choose. Usually, the choice is easy: of course, if your child is really sick you don't think twice about staying home. But there are other times when you have to make the judgement call... and that's when a huge majority of my "mommy guilt" has hit!
But so far, my mommy guilt has been self-inflicted. I can't believe your doctor did that.
I am so glad someone finally said this! I am a single mother who goes to school and works, which means I don't get to spend as much time with my 2 year old son as I would like, and I get hell for it all the time. I hate that I am working my a$$ off to make a better life for my son and I and most people just act like I work for fun and because I don't want to be around my kid. I have a few SAHM friends and even they seem to judge at every turn.
Thank you so much for saying something I have been thinking for the whole 2 years I have been a mother.
I am so glad someone finally said this! I am a single mother who goes to school and works, which means I don't get to spend as much time with my 2 year old son as I would like, and I get hell for it all the time. I hate that I am working my a$$ off to make a better life for my son and I and most people just act like I work for fun and because I don't want to be around my kid. I have a few SAHM friends and even they seem to judge at every turn.
Thank you so much for saying something I have been thinking for the whole 2 years I have been a mother.
Crap. That's harsh. And isn't your doctor working? And she probably has kids, right? I mean, it's the year 2007 and MOMS WORK. It's just the cold hard facts of life.
My heart breaks for you. We are all doing our best with what we have. And you, my friend, are doing excellent. Don't ever forget it!!
seeing as she was a working mom talking to another working mom, she should have been a little bit less of an ass...
I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Perhaps it's uncharitable, but I hope Toopweets threw up on her.
I have been reading your blog a lot because I find it funny and relatable and having lived in NY myself until very recently, it also let's me experience the city that I miss vicariously through you. I don't comment normally, but this really spoke to me and I just couldn't not say anything:
I am a working mom, and worse, I am a working mom who has to travel. I love my son, and I am a GOOD mom, but I have to work, and to be honest, though I would give up everything for my son, I think I would work even if we didn't need the second income (although probably not as hard!). I don't think that working makes women bad parents, and it is hurtful and rude and totally out of line for the doctor to have said what she did. Frankly, you don't pay her practice to pass judgement; I don't think insurance would cover that. You pay her practice and go to her for help when your child is sick. A caring trusted nanny bringing him doesn't make him any less sick or you any worse of a parent. I am surprised I got through this post without cursing!
rude, rude and more rude.
she is just a doctor. she can medically take care of your boy.
don't let her be anything more.
The hope that there is good in people says what a couple of other ladies have said.
Maybe the doctor really has just had a bad run with crummy parents and no hablo ingles nannies recently.
Still she had no right to make judgements and assumptions about your situation.
And if she has kids?
Hello Pot? This is the Kettle.
I want you to be my mom. You're that good, I'd even ship the moosh off to you for NYC toddler bootcamp.
So sorry to hear that- what crap. Is it really worse to send your kid in with loving, loyal adult than not send him in at all? WHAT-EV-ER.
Yuck. Not cool. Whatever her personal feelings are, she should check them at the door. Why do women have to be so damn judgey of each other all the time? Hope T's feeling 100% again, molars and all!
My initial reaction wasn't outrage but confusion -- who THINKS like this anymore, especially in a big urban area like New York-New Jersey? I almost want to say think that the doctor was more concerned about medical insurance issues than you, because that would make more sense to me. I really wouldn't take any of her judgements to heart.
Does she not have kids herself? Because if she does she's obviously a working mother herself. Very unprofessional and uncalled for. Sorry you had to go through that.
Sometimes I want to punch Blogger in the face even more than I want to punch this doctor.
I posted what I thought was a thoughtful comment but it was eaten. Suffice it to say I support you entirely -- and that your little one knows what a great mom you are, lady.
You have got to be kidding me. What a bitch!
Metalia, you rock. The doctor sucks. ALso, I maybe got teary over how you didn't move your leg even though it hurt, because Toops was sleeping on it.
And I think everyone else has covered it all, but I am sending you internet hugs and kisses. And to Toops as well!
Wow. This reminds me why I don't like people. Sadly I am going to admit that I am sure your nanny is much more qualified to take your child to the doctor than my husband was when our kids were little. He is a great dad but somehow impared when it comes to difficult questions like "How long has she had a fever?" I guess you could have called a cab and sent him to the doctor with a not pinned to his shirt. Maybe that would have made her more comfortable.
How presumptious of her to be so judgmental! You made a difficult decision in a rough situation. I'm glad you have a blog so you can vent to a sympathetic audience!
I am so angry that you had to listen to that. How judgmental of Dr. McJudgeypants. Booo. Your love for your little one comes through in every post on this blog (well, the ones that aren't about hobos, but, keep those ones coming as well). Yuck. Sorry you had to go through that. And lots of chicken soup and hugs to little T.
Unreal, and not okay. But you know how good you are to your baby, and that is all that matters.
Crazy doctor! I would definitely find another doctor.
Thank you all SO MUCH for your kind words of support; as you know, I generally shy away from tackling more serious topics here, but every now and then something warrants a mention. :)
Can't resist adding to this.
I say this with all the love, respect and compassion my heart can muster.
Get used to it.
As the mom of two boys, one with mild autism and one with LOTS OF ENERGY, I've had to deal with this a lot. Judgment. You can't control what other people think. But usually, you are not slapped in the face with what they think so blatantly. And since you were...you can make up all kinds of reasons for the doc's poor behavior...you can feel indignant and hurt. It's OK.
But since you were slammed into the brick wall of her judgment, I can tell it's made you more affirmed in your own decisions - sometimes we need that kind of opposition to make us stand more firmly in who we are.
But this is far from the last time your feelings will be hurt by someone judging your mothering skills/choices.
Next time, remember who you are and try not to let it ruin your day.
It's taken me eight years to learn this.
The doctor needs to remember who the customer is! Working moms need all the support they can get, as it is a hard balance. I am sure there are plenty of female doctors who are working parents! What a closed minded view your doc has!
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