I mean, if it WAS, I'd be waxing poetic about my newfound love of the game of hockey, my fun night out with my husband at the hockey game we attended last night...
...and how I saw my secret boyfriend Liam Neeson there WITH MY VERY OWN EYES OMG, and YES, how I even snuck a picture of him...
...all while devouring the world's largest bag of cotton candy ever. Look! It came in this stylish and elegant hat!
But like I said, this post isn't going to be about me.
I mean, I like to think I have a handle on the types of things you want to read here. And I'm pretty sure that nowhere in that list of things is there a section on sick babies and their vomit. For instance, I'm sure you have no interest in hearing about us returning home from our night out to see that our child had a fever of 103 ("He's hot blooded; check him and seeeeee..."), and, upon pulling our feverish, whimpering tot out of his crib and into our bed, experiencing a vomit explosion of epic proportions: The Barfening. I'm talking Exorcist-type shit here, the likes of which instantly seeped through the sheets and absorbed into our very pricey (naturally!) mattress. My side bore the brunt of it, (naturally!) and together, J and I mastered the fine art of juggling a sick, cranky baby, vomit management, and attendant stench removal WHILE SLEEPWALKING. Because ohmigod we were up ALL NIGHT.
But no! This isn't about ME!
This post is really about something I'm trying to do for my friend. I'll call her Amaretto, because it was at her19th 21st! TOTALLY 21st, and NOT A DAY SOONER birthday party that I drank that liquor straight (dear god, WHYYY?), and as a result, can never have it again. In anything. Ever. She and I, however, still look back on that night as one of the evenings that solidified our friendship. Oh, and I’m also calling her Amaretto because the name sounds like a stripper name, and clearly, I'm on a stripper kick lately. Hee.
ANYWAY.
So my dear friend Amaretto is having her very first baby in a few months. Yay! She couldn't be more excited, except for one thing.
Due to some issues, her doctor just placed her on strict bedrest for the duration of her pregnancy, and she? Is BORED. As she said in her email to me, "there are only so many episodes of What Not to Wear that a girl can watch in a week." (I disagree! Call me, Stacy London! I have some ideas!) Poor Amaretto is hurtin' for some distraction. She needs suggestions of books to read! Fun websites to peruse! New hobbies!
She asked me for some ideas, but I could only think of a few things. She reads this blog, though, and so I asked her if I could put out the call to my fabulous readers, and ask all of you for some things she could read/watch/do while on bedrest.
What are some good books you've been reading lately? What funny/engrossing websites have you been enjoying? What are some (stationary) hobbies that she could pick up?
Oh, and I almost forgot... Perhaps it's the 3 hours of sleep I got last night talking for me here, but I'll just say this before I change my mind:
To sweeten the deal, and encourage your ideas for Amaretto, I WILL SING THE KARAOKE SONG OF SOMEONE'S CHOOSING, AND POST IT HERE.
The rules are simple: Post an idea for Amaretto (or several!) along with a karaoke song you'd like to see me totally butcher perform, and Amaretto will pick the song for me to sing, whereupon I will post a video of the performance.
Do you see the lengths to which I will go to entertain my bored friend?
So come on, guys! Do this for the bedridden pregnant lady, and I'll make a complete jackass of myself on video. It's a good deal, I think.
I'll go first: Snow Flower and the Secret Fan, (a great book I'm currently reading) and www.claudiasroom.blogspot.com, (which hilariously recaps The Babysitters Club books of my youth.)
Okay, now you.
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26 comments:
1. OMG. Was this hockey game last night? Because, if so, THE HORSE WHISPERER WAS TOTALLY THERE! AAAAAAAAAAH! (I'm enjoying this not-so-earth-shattering coincidence so much.)
2. "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly," by Jean-Dominique Bauby. "The Alchemist," by Paolo Coelho. I highly recommend sudoku puzzles, or she could learn basic smocking. That's like hand embroidery for kids clothes, and my mom started doing it when she was on bedrest with me. The upside is that I had the AWESOMEST clothes as a kid. And it's really not that hard.
3. I wanna hear "Ain't no other man," by Christina. Or perhaps a J.T. song. Ooooh, or "Total eclipse of the heart."
Hot!
I am currently reading 'Half of a Yellow Sun' and enjoying it. Also catching up on 'Ugly Betty' the first season.
Maybe Amaretto needs to finally organize photos? very productive work.
I want to hear a Kylie Minogue song - 'Love at First Sight'. Yes, I might be a gay man at heart.
If she has not already subscribed to Netflix, she should do so IMMEDIATELY. It is so fabulous to get new movies and as many old tv shows as you care to watch delivered right to your mailbox. I have become obsessed with "Gilmore Girls" and am working my way through them. So great to have no commercials!!!
abbersnail - Yes, the game was last night! Also, I love the "Total Eclipse of the Heart" suggestion. I've always wanted to tackle that one, but been too afraid. :)
squindia - Your photo organizing idea is fantastic, and oh-so-PERFECT for her. Thanks!
mrs. who - Love it! Netflix kicks ass; I have no idea if she watched Gilmore Girls, but if not, that's such a great show to get sucked into. :)
Celebrity sighting! Yay!
I would obviously recommend the blog www.crazyauntpurl.com.
For books, I am kind of on an Annie LaMott streak right now.
I would like you to perform the song "Funky Cold Medina."
Book: The Other Boelyn Girl
Blogs: Redneck Mommy, Kevin Charnas
And, I've never actually done it myself but it's on my mind because of last night's episode of The Office: Second Life. I'm secretely a nerd at heart so if I was at home on bedrest I'd probably be all over that shiz.
Get OUT. He is MY secret boyfriend.
I have not sit still since having MY first child, so I am at a loss for suggestions.
She could just surf to the end of the Internet. Can it be done? I'll never know.
I also have not read a good book in about three years, and I cannot even remember what it was. Sigh.
On a bright note - YAY FOR HOCKEY! We Canadians are born with a love of hockey :)
Yay for celebrity sightings too. We don't see many celebrities out here in the sticks ;)
So many things to say...
1) In your photo Liam Neeson looks like he did in that quality film, High Spirits. Uh, pale and ghost-like.
2) Diversions: I'm forever pimping Margaret Atwood's "Blind Assassin". As for computer-related things, it sounds so obvious but what about Sims or Second Life? Not that I have evere spent 8 straight hours SIMming or anything, certainly not. There are a few odd websites I frequent which can keep me entertained for hours, but I wouldn't assume anyone else could possibly approach my own level of nerdiness and eccentricity.
3) I vote for "Every Rose Has its Thorn" by Poison, because I believe you could bring it on like that song deserves.
If I were on bedrest, awaiting the birth of my first, I would take in as much of the child-free world as possible. Instead, I wasted a lot of time reading every book about parenting and pregnancy, then I watched every baby television program known to man- when I SHOULD have rented the entire British "Office" series, then the American one, then I should've read funny books like "Me Talk Pretty One Day" by David Sedaris, or I should've watched all those movies I hadn't gotten around to seeing. I would also recommend she just revel in the chance to sit still, in peace, alone.
I'd like to see you karaoke "Rock You Like a Hurricane"
Hockey is great to go to, but I can't watch it on TV. Yawn.
I'm reading The Pinball Theory of Apocalypse. Funny stuff, but it's more about L.A. One of my fave blogs (besides yours :) is Boobs, Injuries & Dr. Pepper - http://boobsinjuriesanddrpepper.blogspot.com/
Funny stuff.
Oh, and I think you should sing YMCA. I have no idea why...
Lately I'm addicted to (god, I can't believe I'm admitting this) Bloons Tower Defense. Go to addictinggames.com and search for it. You set up little towers to pop ballons. Hundreds of balloons. Its soothing. And addicting.
And I nominate Buttermilk Biscuits by Sir Mix-A-Lot. I heart that song.
Metalia, if you were single and I were single and we dated for like a really long time and we dug each other totally then I would probably want to marry you. :)
Books - The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Nighttime. There is no better book, not even the one by that drug addict dude who lied about the genre and was on Oprah and all...
Sing "Hip Hop Hooray."
Leinenkugel's has a seasonal brew, btw. :)
I really like Dean Koontz and Jodi Picoult. I also play games on slingo.com a LOT. And I think you should sing Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-A-Lot. Woohoo for big butts!!
i don't read...there are way too many bathrooms to clean for that shit.
if she can, rent all of the back episodes of "it's always sunny in philadelphia."
that is if she has a bad sense of humor.
i'm hooked! I'M HOOKED!!! I TELL YA!!!!
anyway, "hopeless devoted to you," would be my request.
and i'm singing tomorrow night while dressed in my best shitty costume (i'm not sure this year's idea is going to be great.) have karaoke machine will travel!!!
For entertainment, I love the blog "Confessions of a Pioneer Woman" at www.thepioneerwoman.com. Great mix of humor, photography, cooking, kids, romance, you name it. The archives of some of her storylines will totally suck you in for hours (a good thing on bedrest!)
And Metalia, in return please sing "My humps" a la Fergie. Who could resist a song with the line "my lovely lady lumps..." ?!?
Has she watched "Weeds" yet? Unfortunately, I think only a couple seasons are out on DVD, but I zipped through the first one super fast.
Does she knit? If not, she should learn! Extra bonus--baby stuff is such cute stuff to knit, and she will soon have a baby to wear it.
Also, I have at various points been highly addicted to the word games on Yahoo games. Word Mojo, Text Twist, and Bookworm would keep me occupied for hours.
I second (third? fourth?) the emotion vis-a-vis Netlix. When TheWife was on bedrest, a steady NetFlix diet - enabling her to work her way through the entirety of "Sex in the City" and then the first several seasons of "Scrubs" and "Reno 911" - helped her to remain sane.
A similar approach in terms of reading might also prove helpful. Does she like crime fiction? Throw some Janet Evanovich (or Jeffrey Deaver, or Lee Child, or...) at her. Armchair travel? Time to get up-close-and-personal with the works of Bill Bryson (although that much laughter might not necessarily be a good thing for her).
Anyhow. Just an idea. (I'll abstain from the karaoke discussion.)
LIAM NEESON! *SQUEEEE!!!*
Okay, girl, if you don't know how to cook watch endless hours of the food network until you do, it will make your post partum life (and life as a mother) wonderful.
Also, learn to knit if you don't know how to already. I was on bedrest for eight weeks and I WISH I HAD LEARNED TO KNIT.
And read lots of trashy bodice ripper novels, they subliminally put naughty dreams in your pregnant head and THEY CAN PAY OFF IN WAYS PREGNANT SEX CANNOT.
Metalia, please sing Sparkling Diamonds from Moulin Rouge.
Thank you.
She should get "Gray's Anatomy" and "Felicity" from Netflix, for one. I am re-reading a buttload of Sweet Valley Highs I got on eBay. Yes. I am lame. I also enjoy www.thedairiburger.com in that same vein.
I think you should sing "Love Bites" by Def Leppard.
I just read "We shall know our velocity" by Dave Eggers, which was really good...
First of all, HUGE thanks to metalia for posting this for me, and to all of you for your fabulous ideas. I'm pretty much loving the name Amaretto, sounds much cooler than my former porn name, Goldy Elm (based on the pet/ street requirements).
Although I have read a bunch of the books that were suggested (Me Talk Pretty One Day, The Curious Incident, every Jodi Picoult book), I'm excited about all the suggestions that were given and will spend some time on Amazon tomorrow reading the reviews.
As for all the craft suggestions- you're right metalia, organizing pictures is oh-so-perfect for me- which is why all my pictures are already nicely organized into albums! But since I always loved arts and crafts (although I kinda suck at them) I think I might try learning how to knit.
I will also definitely check out the websites that were suggested, and being that I am fan of The Office- Second Life intirgues me- perhaps I will check that out too.
And finally- for metalia's karaoke song- I choose "Total Eclipse of the Heart". I believe that I lip-synched to that song in camp a bunch of years ago with my sister at the talent show, in which we wore matching outfits. I would love to hear the metalia version of it!
I am so sad about Toops being sick. Please tell me he's on the mend. Please. (Poor little dude. Poor stinky mattress.)
Dude, I could watch WNTW all day. (Did you see the "Behind the Seams" episode where viewers wanted to know if Stacy and Clinton were "more then friends"? HAAAAA!!!!)
I'm with Gorillabun...watch "It's Always sunny in Philadelphia". And while Amaretto is watching she needs to try to figure out which of the main characters is the hottest. They are horrible people, so it makes for a fun game.
I want you to sing "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera. I can't wait...
I am totally doing some trashy reading right now:
"Candy Girl: a year in the life of an unlikely stripper" by Diablo Cody (who also has a great blog that right now chronicles the whirlwind she's in as she wrote the upcoming movie "Juno" with Michael Cera! And Jason Bateman!):
www.diablocody.blogspot.com/
And on deck to read I have.................wait for it......"The Heroin Diaries" by Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue. my friend said it was totally trashy, dirty and fun. I can't wait.
I would personally like to hear either "Talk dirty to me" by Poison, or "Mmmbop" by Hanson.
You totally can't see me from that angle, but I'm the girl next to Liam, holding his hand and he is whispering sweet nothings (in a Scottish accent) in my ear. Really. (Don't tell Chris.)
Suggestions! To cure boredom!
1. Buffy. Behold: the boxed sets. I could watch for days. Not that I've ever done that. Ahem.
2. She could send random cards to randomly selected people. Step one: grab a phone book. Step two: mail random cards. Step three: giggle. Or! she could totally send them to NOT random people, which is just as fun, and probably less stalkerish. I saw a card today that just said "Shit" on the front. That was it. Just "Shit." Oh, how I love my new city.
3. "Into the Wild." Best book I've read in a long time. Plus, nonfiction! Wee!
My little boy was running a fever last weekend. He's a total badass, though. It was about 103 for part of a day but he wasn't even fussy. He did puke (just like the last time he ran a temperature and projectile vomitted in my face before I had time to react) and was sluggish and sleepy, but there was no whining or crying. He's not even 6 months yet. He obviously takes after me. My wife is a baby when she gets sick, but I was sick so much as a kid that I kind of got used to it. I get really lazy and will ask people to go to the bathroom for me so I don't have to get up, but I don't complain.
Hope your little one gets better. The stupid virus my baby has just kind of lingers getting almost better and then coming back.
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