One of the many things I love about fall (besides crunchy leaves, wearing sweaters, and the way that the cooler air diminishes the stench of hobo pee on the subway platform) is the return of TV shows after the summer hiatus.
We’re big on DVR’ing everything and catching up on the weekends, and so last night, I watched Gossip Girl. (I LOVE YOU, GOSSIP GIRL! PLEASE DON’T GET CANCELED! I WANT TO STEAL ALL OF THE CHARACTERS’ CLOTHES AND POSSIBLY SERENA’S HAIR! CAN I PLEASE COME HANG OUT WITH YOU? AND MAYBE ASK SERENA HOW SHE GETS HER HAIR TO BE SO AWESOME? WE’LL BE BFFS FOR-EVA, I JUST KNOW IT! YES, I’M AWARE THAT I’M TEN YEARS OLDER THAN ALL OF YOU! AND THAT YOU’RE FICTIONAL! BUT A PART OF ME DOESN’T REALLY CARE!) I also caught up on Grey’s Anatomy, and watched the “Werewolf Bar Mitzvah” clip from 30 Rock approximately 372 times. Sadly, I’m only exaggerating a little bit. That shit’s funny.
(Oh, and as you may have surmised? My brief, “curse-free” stint is over. I defy any of you to get through assembling a sideboard/wine storage/buffet thing, as J & I did today, without letting slip a few choice words.)
Back to my TV shows, though; specifically, Grey’s Anatomy. I…don’t think I can watch it anymore. Now, don’t get me wrong-- I still love certain aspects of it. Like the music, for instance, or Cristina, or how I secretly want Dr. Bailey to be my mentor, sleeping on our couch and bringing the smack down on me in her awesome, kick-ass way whenever I step out of line (“Did you leave your clothes on this chair?! I know you know better than that, Metalia. I taught you better than that.”) But at this point, I want to hurl Izzy through a damn wall, I find Meredith’s aggressively fuzzy, too-dark-for-her-hair caterpillar eyebrows very distracting (shallow, I know), and, in what I suppose is an effort to both shock the viewing audience and top themselves, the show’s procedures are becoming increasingly vomit-inducing.
Like, for instance, that kid from last week. With the needle. And the tongue depressor. SHOVED INTO HIS EYEBALL. I simply cannot deal.
Mainly because I fear that it might happen to me.
You see, I’m not what you’d call adept at handling medical matters in a calm and rational manner. And reading Moose’s hilarious post about being a worrier reassured me that at least I’m not alone.
I think the problem began when I was younger and my father (who was pre-med, before he scrapped that plan for law school) had a lurid medical book filled with all manner of oozing sores and nightmarish rashes. I was horrified and fascinated at the same time. Still, nothing like gross eye goop, shudder-inducing burns and close-ups of skin ailments to scar a kid for life. Compounding the issue was the fact that the book was apparently published roughly around the time of the Lincoln Administration, and contained a large amount of outdated information. Um, unbeknownst to me. I swear, until I was about 11 or 12, every time my foot fell asleep, I was certain that it marked the beginnings of polio. (“Eradication in America is getting closer every day!” or something to that effect, were the book’s sentiments on the matter.)
This set the stage for a future in manufactured medical drama the likes of which the world has never before seen.
Did I bid my parents a tearful farewell, “just in case,” when I was getting A WISDOM TOOTH EXTRACTION? Yup. (Though in the interest of full disclosure, the tears were probably also related to the fact that they made me get the extraction over Winter Break in 10th grade. The horror!)
Did I, after said extraction, inadvertently take two painkillers instead of the prescribed 1 and proceed to call Poison Control? Guilty as charged. Adding insult to injury, I may have been totally doped up on my whopping 2 pills, but I distinctly heard the Poison Control dude laughing at me.
More recently, a review of my past Google searches would yield such gems as “stubbed toe hurts a lot diseases" and “paper cut from cardboard possible infections.” Don’t even ask about how I handled the whole mosquito/West Nile thing. (Hint: Not well, considering that the mosquitoes LOVE me.)
I mean, my God. I have an itchy bump on my arm right now, which, in all likelihood, is probably yet another mosquito bite, but it’s taking ALL OF MY WILLPOWER to refrain from Googling “recurrence of chicken pox in 27-year olds.”
Is any of this normal?
Of course not!
But I know my limitations.
And so Grey’s Anatomy, with its “I have the hiccups, OOPS! I’m dead now” scenes, and its “I’m just a young woman on the train to work, but now I’m skewered to this guy on a pole, and OOPS! I’m dead now, too!” plotlines, is now dead to ME.
Goodbye, Grey’s Anatomy. If we were actually on the show right now, a mood-perfect, piano-driven song played by some obscure band would play as the scene faded out, with Meredith incorporating some key phrase of the lyrics into her closing voice-over. But since it’s just me, it’s going to be Salt n’ Pepa’s “Shoop”, as that’s what iTunes decided to play.
And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to check out this itchy bump on my arm.
It’s wicked, wicked, and I have to kick it.
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21 comments:
Don't know how you do the voodoo that you do...
Not to enable your hypochondria or anything, but when I had my wisdom teeth out, the anesthesia almost killed me. So I view your tearful farewell as good thinking.
The symptom checker at WebMD is always fun, though. Today I have pleurisy!
The fact that George and Izzy actually have a love story line is killing me.
ARE YOU KIDDING? It's painful to watch them even think about loving each other and ruining lives to be one with each other.
vomit.
I have no idea why that pains me. It just wouldn't happen? Or maybe I am still missing Burke and have hard feelings.
I'm on the fence with the remote..
I got caught up on Grey's this weekend.
And?
Meh.
Not sure if I want to waste any more of my non-existent free time to watch it ;)
Well...yeah...I kind of agree. The whole needle in the eye thing? Gross. Super gross. I had to look away until it was over. But I am strangely mesmerized by the relationships. Will George and Izzy actually get together? Will she have to wear flats the rest of her life so she can kiss him on the mouth? Can I ever forget that he is actually gay in real life? And can McDreamy actually be in love with that increasingly annoying Meredith? I can't help it. I must know.
the needle in the eye. seriously?! was that necessary? if i wanted to see that i'd be watching the freakin' discovery channel...not a prime time soap thank you very much.
gave up on grey's after the first season....finally everyone else is joining.
Last school year, there was a kid playing with the metal spring from inside of his pen and it flew out of his hand to stick directly into his eyeball. I'm not kidding. IN HIS EYEBALL. And then he walked through the library, where I had two classes going, screaming. It was the most traumatic thing I've ever witnessed.
Since then, I'm convinced that all manner of crazy and irrational medical calamities are about to befall me. I feel your pain.
Ok, I may or may not know the words to all of Shoop. I also may or may not have spent some time back in the early 90s memorising said lyrics from my cassette single. Maybe.
I had to stop watching House because of my hypochondria. I watch Grey's and must brace myself before the show to build the confidence to watch it.
How did you deal with the spectre of childbirth as a hypochondriac I wonder? I was convinced that if I had an epidural I would end up paralysed for life. I also thought that my poor little birth canal wouldn't be able to accommodate a baby and thus the baby would suffocate and I would bleed to death.
That shit, ahem, "stuff", wasn't even seen on a TV show, I just came up with it myself. Hypochondria, the gift that keeps on giving.
omg! i started going on webmd ALL last week b/c i have the flu and i was all worried it was something worse. so i totally know what you are talking about.
and the eyeball thing? i could not stop yelling at the tv. i kept saying WHY WHY are you showing this and EW EW.
plus i totally feel you on the izzie/george thing. why can't they go back to being the fun group rather than being the arrogant residents who have to sleep with one another and fall in love with one another.
i still watch though for mcdreamy.
gosh this comment is long.
I say, forget about any cessation of cursing. Start a college fund for Toopweets by sticking some change in a jar every time you say something inappropriate. Then, when some parent gives you the Evil Eye in Target due to your son's foul mouth, you can give it right back to her and say, "Pft. Fuck you lady. That fucking mouth is paying for his mother fucking education, bitch." And then make sure to hit the ATM, because you've got quite a deposit into that jar.
I finally just watched 30 Rock for the first time! What took me so long? I love Tina Fey and its chock full of SNL cast members.
I, too, am no longer a Gray's watcher (but not necessarily for the medical stuff - mostly because they all got too annoying and turned into parodies of themselves. Kind of like Desperate Housewives last year). I'm running out of shows that I still like - thank God for The Office! I'm trying with 30 Rock, but something ruins it for me - either Jane Krakowski or Tracy Morgan, or a little combination of both, I don't know.
I had to give up on ER several years ago for very similar reasons. I think it may have been a ballpoint pen instead of a needle or a tongue depressor, and the doctors did it ON PURPOSE, for some absurd reason, but I can't really tell you the details, as I've shoved them forcibly out of my memory.
Also, Gossip Girl? Seriously? I tried to watch the first episode, but despite the fabulous hair and outfits and the sex and cattiness among high school kids, I just couldn't stay interested. Does this mean I'm getting old? Possibly.
my daughter has had hiccups for two days now. i've stopped myself many times on researching this one webmd.
what's the point? we're all gonna die!!
I hear you on Grey's. Damned annoying Izzie and George. And Meredith. And they turned Callie into an idiot! Grrr.
Well, I recently had an itchy little red bump turn into a huge red blotch that required a trip to urgent care when red streaks started going up my arm, so I say you can never be too concerned about itchy red bumps. ;)
I agree about Grey's. I can't figure out what is happening this season other than the writers want to get cancelled.
I, too, have been laughed at by someone I called for help during a medical emergency.
I was stung by a scorpion.
Yes, a frickin' scorpion! Just the thought of it almost made me pass out from sheer horror, never mind the incredible throbbing pain shooting up my arm, but I was home alone so I had to pull myself together so I could get help, and fast! Because people always die from scorpion stings!
At least they do on TV, right?
So I called the emergency room of my local hospital and asked if I had time to drive there before the venom overcame me or should I call an ambulance?
The guy on the phone laughed at me! I was floored! Here I was dying and he's laughing at me? WTF?
Well, um, apparently, the scorpions we have around here aren't all that poisonous. Getting stung hurts like hell, but it's not likely to kill you. And it didn't. Kill me, I mean.
The only consolation was that I was humiliated anonymously over the phone instead of driving to the hospital to be humiliated in person, because then I would've had to die anyway. Of embarrassment.
Oh, Metalia. You will be proud. I haven't contemplated my imminent demise from a horrible disease in nearly half an hour.
You are talking to the girl who once called the CDC for cooking advice because I was worried I woudl poison my dinner party guests inadvertently. I totally understand. Also, will you believe that i have been so enthralled with the puppy that i have not watched a single episode of Gray's this season?
Hi! Met you over at The Moosh!
I cracked up with the hiccups & dying comment....On Thursday night...my son (2.5 yrs. old) had a case of BAD hiccups for about an hour...and I ALMOST took him to the ER. I was absolutely positive that something had torn and ruptured or something and he was getting ready to die.
He fell asleep and amazingly didn't die.
Thank God.
Nice to meet you!
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