Baby FAQ

Thank you all so much for your kind words, comments, and emails about my pregnancy. It means so much to me, and I’m so excited to be able that I have such fabulous readers to share this with. For real.

Since I made my big announcement, I’ve received a number of emails/questions about various things related to my pregnancy. Since I am a horrible asshole, I haven’t answered all of them yet, so I figured I’d just answer them all here.

Wait just a darn minute. Didn’t you JUST sing “Total Eclipse of the Heart” at a karaoke birthday party Saturday night? Where the hell is your video??

Okay, so no one actually asked this, but I am anticipating the question of a few people to whom I PROMISED a video post TONIGHT. The answer is that our Dell laptop kept shutting down Movie Maker for a reason that was unclear, and my MacBook didn't seem to want to recognize the shimmering jewel of karaoke video goodness that I kept TRYING to transfer, though that could be because I don't really know the Apple programs yet. Regardless, I was going to cry of frustration about six separate times. Until my computer genius brother figures out what’s going on, the karaoke video will have to wait. Unless YOU want to help!

*bats eyelashes at Internet*
*remember I just showered, and possibly still have mascara smudges on my face*
*check mirror*
* note that I look like Alice Cooper*
*shrug, wink smudged, crazy eyes once more*


Wait just a darn minute. Weren’t you supposed to do a real FAQ post seventy years ago? Where the hell is your FAQ post?? (repeat 3,507,908 times)

See above, re: my lazy assholery. Wait, scratch that; I’m PREGNANT. I’m just going to use that as an excuse for everything over the next few months, even when it makes no sense whatsoever. Like now, for instance.

Congrats on your pregnancy! So how did you find out?

I know it's trivial, but you know, just ONCE, I’d like to find out I’m pregnant in a way that is befitting inclusion in a heartwarming passage in my kid’s baby book. (And yes, I know it’s totally my fault, because I’m the one choosing when to take the test.)

I'm 0 for 2 in this regard; I mean, do you know what Toopweets’ baby book says on the matter? Well...nothing, because I never filled it in. But if I HAD, it would say: “We were watching TV and Everybody Loves Raymond came on. The phone rang, and it was someone asking Daddy if we'd like to switch our phone service. Even though it was sort of early to tell at that point, Mommy decided to get away from the shitty sitcom and telemarketing to take a pregnancy test. And..she was pregnant! Unfortunately, Daddy was embroiled in a deep conversation with the telemarketer for some reason, and Mommy then had to get Daddy off the phone by excitedly waving a peed-upon stick in his face.”

This section in the new baby’s book will make me look even stupider: “Mommy was at work, and decided that she should duck out and buy a pregnancy test. Don’t ask Mommy WHY it couldn’t wait until she left for the day; she couldn’t tell you herself. She drank almost a full liter of water, and headed across the street to the drugstore. When Mommy returned from her little jaunt, she tucked the test into her pants pocket…and was promptly summoned to meeting. Bear in mind, your mom just drank a LOT of water. She began squirming, and realized she wasn’t going to make it through this meeting without a bathroom break. She decided to take the test while she was there, figuring, “Eh, what the hell? What are the odds this early?” VERY, VERY GOOD, apparently. And so it was that your mom returned to the meeting…with a (properly capped!) peed-upon stick shoved back into her pants pocket, where she completely spaced out and made lists of baby names in her portfolio. Because she is a classy and professional lady.”

Now do you see why I hate baby books? Apparently, I don’t have the requisite cute stories with which to fill them.

(Apropos of which...How did YOU find out you were pregnant, Internet?)

Are you going to find out what you’re having?

Yup.

Are you going to tell everyone?

Nope.

You’re a mean lady.

I’m sorry! I would, it’s just this tradition we have. I don’t know if it’s a Jewish thing or just a family thing, but we don’t really publicize the gender beforehand. I suck, I know.

I suppose you’re not telling the name, either.

That really all depends on how many drugs I’m on after I give birth; try to catch me before they wear off. Definitely won't be telling beforehand, though. (That’s an actual Jewish custom, by the way, not just a possibly made-up one like the gender thing.)

Well, have you picked an in utero nickname yet?

Nope! Feel free to keep the suggestions coming.

While we're on the subject, how did Toopweets get his nickname?

I get asked this quite often; the answer is here (14th question down).

How are you feeling?

I was pretty sick, but thankfully, I’m fine now. At this point, I’m feeling good, the kid is kicking up a storm, and I’m over the bone-crushing exhaustion, so no complaints. To be honest, the worst part of my day is getting dressed-- I’m at an awkward stage now; my maternity clothes are still too big, and I find those Bella Bands suffocating. I've consequently taken to leaving the house with my fly open, and wearing flowy, tunic-like tops that I pray are long enough to cover what would otherwise be a very clear view of my underwear.

See here for instance? MY JEANS ARE IN NO WAY ZIPPED.

Like I said before, classy.

Are you crazy hormonal?

I’d like to say no, but after a perceived insult from J about my choice of hat, I just angrily told him that his made him look like Amelia Earhart. So you decide.

(Karaoke video to follow soon, I promise!)