Seeing as that the writers’ strike really shows no signs of ending any time soon, I recently decided to take a look at our long-abandoned Netflix queue. As I was surfing through the site, I stumbled across something WONDERFUL:
After. School. Specials. On. DVD.
Words cannot express my utter glee upon discovering this. My delight only grew upon discovering that the complete set comes in a LITTLE YELLOW SCHOOLBUS. OMG CAN YOU STAND THE CUTENESS?
Ahem.
As a child of the 80s, I grew up on this stuff. And we’ll get to its influence on my young life in just a moment, but first: For the uninitiated, after school specials were a mainstay of late 1970s-1980s TV. They revolved around big issues like teen pregnancy (Two Teens and a Baby), individuality (The Day my Kid Went Punk) and mental illness (The Girl with the Crazy Brother). As you can see by the titles, these matters were always handled with sensitivity and tact. I could go on about the melodrama and general awesomeness of the whole genre, but why do that when the following scene from Ace Hits the Big Time (i.e., after school special where boy moves to big city, stumbles onto gang-related turf war…of the DANCE!) can do that for me?
(In case you’re wondering, yes you DID in fact hear the lyrics “New blood on Falcon ground/You're gonna look like cooked spaghetti.”)
After nearly wetting my pants laughing, I spent some time scouring the web for additional after school special video clips, and without warning, a memory came rushing back:
The year was 1980…something. I must have been about 7 or so. There I sat, in my side ponytail and plastic charm necklace (I'm assuming), watching one of the specials; this one in particular was about teen alcoholism. I remember watching aghast as the wholesome teens went from sneaking sips of schnapps to drinking entire bottles of wine (uh…the horror?).
And then…I began to cry.
Not for the fate of the teens (who, by the way, were totally operating a motor vehicle by this point), but for MYSELF.
Because (oh God, am I really sharing this?) I was a big fan of grape juice as a kid, and somehow, watching this? My young mind equated it with wine. Still sniffling, I trudged down the stairs to deliver the terrible news to my mother, who was folding laundry at the time. Seeing my tearstained face, she immediately asked me what was wrong. “Mom, I’m an alcoholic!” I wept. “I really, really love drinking grape juuuiiice!”
Whereupon she burst out laughing, and explained to me in detail why I was not, in fact, a seven-year-old alcoholic.
As soon as I remembered this, I asked my mom about it, and she claimed not to remember this ever happening. (And promptly laughed again.) BUT I KNOW THE TRUTH.
If you’ll excuse me, I have to go rent Ace Hits the Big Time and check my family for signs of gang involvement. (Which, according to the movie, may involve purple sweatbands and dance fighting.)
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15 comments:
This is just hilarious. I have nothing else to say.
I think any color sweatband could be a danger sign; don't let Toopweets convince you otherwise.
I remember freaking out at my mom because she was drinking a soda while driving. I was probably 6. I yelled, "Mom! Don't drink and drive!" I think she snorted soda out of her nose.
Are you ever NOT funny?
Didn't think so.
Ace Hits The Big Time is also a book! And I used to love it. Granted, I was in fourth grade, so it may not stand up to such scrutiny now.
As for the others ... you'll have to fight me for them. It's a Netflix race!
then you must rent, "i'm going to be somebody's daddy." or something like that with ben affleck or rob lowe. i forget which one.
and I WAS the kid getting drunk off of vodka and grape juice or Kool-Aid in the 8-9th grade before i went to ballet. nevermind the scrape on my chin from the fall off the curb during my walk-about beforehand. (i say this wondering how i survived my childhood and I don't have a major case of liver disease.)
wow! and someone thought i should have children of my very own?
What a way to wake up...that is fantastic! Way to go into the archives of childhood and find these gems.
The dancing is killing me, very balletesque! Not street at all. I will keep an eye out for purple bandannas in my neighborhood. Here I thought all along that it was blue and red to watch out for..I was WAYYYY off.
I IMDB'd this, but it doesn't show up as "Ace Hits the Big Time," I'd have to click through all 25 pages of the entry for "ABC's Afterschool Specials." And I can't do that. Neither can I ever remember where I've seen someone before. So can you tell me who that kid is? Ace, I assume? The one who will look like wet spaghetti?
Dr. Maureen, try this: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0327397/
It says his name is Rob Stone. :)
Ah, the elder brother from _Mr. Belvidere_! How could I have not realized?
Thanks!
My neighbor and I were shopping in Old Navy yesterday, when her 3 year old daughter said, "Mom, we need to talk. I'm pregnant." THAT'S an afterschool special if I've ever seen one. Then we ate at Hooters (I needed some fried pickles)and she told all the waitresses they were naked.
That's hilarious! Man, I love a good after-school special. And when prime time shows followed in their footsteps? Priceless. "Tonight, on a very special Blossom..."
Oh how I miss those after school specials. I'm sure you all beat me to Netflix but I can wait because I'm patient like that... and I'm still looking for the Mr. Belvidere episodes! The 80's were the BEST!!!!
Just promise me no one will bring back leg warmers.
the after-school special was a STAPLE in my household...holy crap...i better tell my sister that we can now watch them!
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for that clip. You've made my day, if not my week.
OK, I have to see that clip. Alas, I cannot play it right now. (Co-workers far too nearby. Drat.)
What's terribly sad is Netflix won't send you the discs in that little yellow schoolbus. THAT would be the best.
I recently learned that The Electric Company is on DVD and available at Netflix. I think I'll have to be queuing that one, too.
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