J and I both had off from work, the weather was cold and lousy, and so…
We decided to take T to the mall.
I honestly don’t know what I was thinking. Oh, wait; I do. I think it was something along the lines of, "T was so good the last time I took him to the mall! He just slept and stayed in his stroller!”
The problem? He was two months old at the time. (Like I said…lost touch with reality.) It was only once I was literally peeling my giggling, rampaging NINETEEN-MONTH OLD off a mannequin for the umpteenth time that day that it dawned upon me: There’s a very compelling, very cute reason why I’ve been pretty much shopping exclusively online for the past year or so. And that reason does not take kindly to being confined to his stroller when there are fountains to lunge into and Cheerios to fling.
J and I quickly realized we had a formidable opponent on our hands. T arched his back and whimpered until we took him out of the stroller, whereupon he took off down the hall, basically all but singing “Born Free” and frolicking. I swear I heard him mutter “suckas!” under his breath.
Compounding the problem was that we’d taken our “car stroller” to the mall with us, which basically stays upright only if: a) you don’t place any bags on it which contain more than a feather; b) there’s no wind; and c) the moon is in the Seventh House and Jupiter aligns with Mars. Clearly, that day, my diaper bag weighed a ton, there was a stiff breeze in the mall and the stars were not in alignment.
The stroller, naturally, went down.
We made a decision then and there that we would take turns: one of us would wheel around the good-for-nothing-but-holding-our-bags stroller while perusing the stores, and the other would attempt to corral Giggly McRunsalot. Why? Because we had made our way to the mall as a family for the first time in eons, and BY GOD WE WERE GOING TO BUY SOMETHING.
When my “free time” came, I was like a Supermarket Sweep contestant (minus the abjectly hideous sweatshirt).
I bobbed and wove my way through the throngs (yay, alliteration!), with a stroller mind you, knowing that my time was limited. I found, tried on and purchased these flats in under seven minutes.
I was a force to be reckoned with!
At that point, I came back and switched with J. T spied the escalator. “Whee!,” he shrieked, “Mommy, down!”
…And off we went. While J took the empty stroller with him through Banana Republic, I picked up T and took him for a ride down the escalator. He LOVED it, and wanted to go back up. Do I even need to tell you that the “up” escalator was out of service? What the HELL, mall?? My kid was entertained, though, and so it was that I wound up hefting him up and walking all the way up the escalator, and down we went on the (functional) other side once more. After my third time doing this (and coming to the realization that I was woefully out of shape), I decided that I needed to find a fully working escalator if I wanted to, you know, continue living.
We walked a little further down and found one. Seven times, people. SEVEN MORE TIMES we went up and down the escalator. I'm NOT KIDDING:
(Do you like my drawing of my jeans? And brown boots? Graphic design is my true calling.)
After the seventh time, I began mentally going through all of the escalator scenes that I could recall from movies; I got through the “Colorblind” scene from Cruel Intentions, the end of Superbad, and Mallrats when I noticed J waiting for us at the top of the escalator (just like Cruel Intentions!). “Time to go?” he asked me. “Time to go.” I replied.
We spent the rest of the day fingerpainting, cooking together, and playing Extreme Couch Cushion Fort Wrestling Battle Royale (patent pending!). In short, NOT being the same idiots who took our toddler to the damn mall in the morning.
Now, I’ve already made a vow to myself (and T!) not to bring him back there until he’s old enough. (i.e., When he’s obnoxious to me one minute, and then sweetly asking me for a ride there the next…I figure I’ve got about 13 years.) Until then, however, I have but four questions:
1. Do any of you with toddlers take your kids to the mall?
2. If so, does your arsenal of mall-going supplies include a tranq gun?
3. Because I saw some kids around T’s age sleeping in their strollers…how do their parents get them to do that IN THE MALL?
4. Seriously, how? I need to know.
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23 comments:
Oh, girl.
First, out mall does not have escalators. THANK GOD.
Second?
I DO NOT take my kids to the mall.
Though I do take them to Wal-Mart, when I am feeling adventurous.
GOOD ON YOU.
:)
Um. OUR mall.
I used to run away from my mom all the time in the mall. This was way before internet shopping of course so she would use one of those leash things or she would threaten to beat us. So! Unless you're into keeping your child on a leash or threatening your child with a back hand to the ass, I have absolutely no suggestions for you.
Oh and once my brother and I were so awful during a trip to the grocery store that she left the entire cart right there in the middle of the store and brought us home.
For the record I'm much better at 24 than I was at 2. You could totally take me anywhere and I probably won't run anywhere because I'll be far too laden with purchases and also, running? There best be someone chasing me.
My life is now complete. You have made a Supermarket Sweep reference. I LOVE that show, ill-fitting sweatshirts and all.
You have just explained to me why I always see exhausted parents in a comatose daze barely monitoring as their small children run around and scream madly throughout the play area at the mall. I try as hard as possible to avoid coming anywhere NEAR the play area (for the preservation of my eardrums). Now I know how those parents can handle it. They are trying to wear the kid out so they can shop!
Also, I heart you and your MS Paint skills SO much. :-)
Oh my God. There are so many things I do not know about being a parent.
PS Cute shoes!
You are one brave soldier, Metalia.
hm....so maybe i wont tell you how angelic my little one was at the mall on sunday. it's a little secret i have, called - keep the snacks and ice cream coming!
i seriously want to stab people in the throats when i see them smugly strolling their sleeping children through malls while mine are off running and screaming like cavemen.
Wow, sounds like an adventure! You'll be so jealous, but I take Sophia (just turned 3), and she walks freely beside me, with squeaky shoes (so I know her whereabouts). She knows she can walk as long as she's a 'good listener'. She really is a great listener, and holds my hand or stays very close. If she gets tired she will get in the stroller, but usually not. Sometimes I don't even take in the stroller. I guess she's just a serious shopper, like Mom! ;)
How do we do it? Bribery mostly.
I'm zero for four in the calm, sleepy kids at the mall thing. Each pregnancy I prayed that *this one* would be the mellow one... Yeah, that didn't work out so well.
A+ for the mall attempt and execution though!
There is only one word I can suggest:
SNACKS.
And not your run of the mill, healthy-ish snacks either. You've got to break out the good stuff. May I suggest chocolate milk?
My stroller-averse 2 1/2 year old is willing to be contained in the stroller for longer periods of time if given chocolate milk, various types of Goldfish crackers and possibly a cookie if the situation warrants.
I'm willing to make these concessions when a mindless hour at the mall sounds appealing. It's rare, but sometimes worth it.
That picture scroll was comic genius.
I salute your valiant mothering. And ability to purchase shoes in under seven minutes.
SUPER!!!MARKET!!!!SWEEEEEEPPPP!!! Dude, I loved that show (is it still on??)
Mall? Nope. Well, ok, sometimes, but I have to use the bribery of shopping first and then they can run around like absolute maniacs in the play area once mommy is done. Shoes in 7 minutes? Man, you rock!!!
We do go to Target a LOT though, where they are allowed to "run like the wind" as long as I can see them.
I got Avelyn one of those leash thingies and it works OK. She's free to roam but I can rein her in when the time comes.
If I take her to the mall, I bring a week's worth of food, drinks, and snacks to keep her quiet.
So, in short, I tie my kid to a rope and feed her chocolate. Whatever works, right?
I don't think either of my children have ever slept in the stroller! I'm always amazed when I see that, too.
My children go nuts at the mall. I usually speed shop and aim to hit 2-3 stores max. I also bribe them with Starbucks Madelines or a quick stop at the Gymboree tv.
My son is fascinated by escalators, too. Warning though: I had to run out of J. Crew last month to hear my mom shrieking my dad's name as I saw him not paying attention while Max darted head first down the escalator. He was just barely caught in time. Scary!
We don't have malls here in the UK, but amazingly, we are known to shop here and there. My daughter HATES her stroller, and will promptly contort herself into all sorts of uncomfortable pretzel-like positions in order to escape. Consequently, Mummy does not take the dear child out to shop very often.
However, when needs must, I go along with the commentor (-er?) suggesting a heavy artillery of snacks. P. might as well not eat the rest of the day for the amount of food I ply her with when out shopping. It's naughty, but required.
Supermarket Sweep! I forgot how many hours I spent watching that show with my little sister. And the pale yellow! and light blue sweatshirts, oh my.
I avoid the mall at all costs. Living where we do now I have my choice of shops laden in Victorian-ish houses just a block away. And the shoe! stores. You would die.
if i don't take my girls shopping with me, i don't get any shopping done.
that being said, i bribe my girls with lipgloss for good behavior and they tell me if my outfit is a "yea or nay!"
yes, they are 3 and 4.5 but DAMN!! they have a better fashion sense then their poor 'ol mama!
i have 5 ("FIVE??!") children. the first of whom (my son, now 22) would hide everywhere. very scary. the next two, girls. shoppers. from the time they were VERY little. ("bahr-bie, daddy?") the next one, (with a different mom) a girl, "i love daddy" - all the girls stay right with daddy, too scared or daddy-pleasing to run. the next one (now 6), a runner. a hider (in the low-hanging-pants). an escalator-rider.
my advice? have a girl.
I'm with the others on bringing the snacks, chocolate milk. whatever. it. takes.
The comments about having a girl - cracks me up. I have two boys who do not shop well. I also very rarely go to the mall with both boys (3 1/2 and 1 1/2) by myself and if I do happen to go by myself, I'm usually in tears by the time I leave.
Metalia dear, remember the time I thought someone kidnapped your brother in Toys R Us. I made them close up the store so the killer wouldn't get away only to find out from some wayward shopper that she saw a strange man taking out a little boy from the store before we locked the doors. Remember we found him hiding in the outdoor playhouse in the store. You have it easy dear!
Metalia dear, remember the time I thought someone kidnapped your brother in Toys R Us. I made them close up the store so the killer wouldn't get away only to find out from some wayward shopper that she saw a strange man taking out a little boy from the store before we locked the doors. Remember we found him hiding in the outdoor playhouse in the store. You have it easy dear!
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