I’ve made no secret of my boundless adoration for really awful and/or cheesy movies.
I not only own Center Stage on DVD, but VHS, as well. FOR THAT IS HOW LONG I HAVE LOVED IT. I could, if called upon, perform dramatic reenactments of key scenes in the seminal Judge Reinhold/Fred Savage film, Vice Versa. And spontaneously breaking out into songs from Grease 2 is pretty much an everyday occurrence in the Metalia household. (“Let’s bowwwwwwwl tonight…”) Oh, and I’d be remiss in omitting the fact that I have seen Flash Gordon MORE THAN ONCE, and not one of the times involved me watching it against my will, eyelids propped open with toothpicks, Clockwork Orange-style. Yes, I truly thought I was inured to the shock value of the whole Shitty Movie Genre.
Nothing, however, could have prepared me for Howard the Duck.
Howard the Duck, for those of you who don’t know, is one of the worst films ever made. And it’s not just ME saying that, but like, EVERY CRITIC IN THE WORLD. I only caught the tail end of it (I’m so punny), but was simultaneously horrified and transfixed. I have the same reaction when I watch Mariah Carey sing, or see pictures of The Pregnant Man. Anyway, I’ve spent the past few days learning all about the movie, and using all of my willpower to refrain from checking if it’s available on NetFlix. Steel yourself, as I am not making any of this up:
Howard is a duck (duh), and by “duck,” I of course mean “a large, anthropomorphic, horny duck wearing a Miami Vice-style suit.” He lives in Duckworld, which I think is in outer space, but is just like Earth, only with ducks. Or something. My god, recapping the movie IS ACTIVELY MAKING ME DUMBER.
Anyway, he’s at home reading Playduck magazine (I SWEAR) when he inadvertently gets beamed to earth by a “laser” (I’m doing Doctor Evil air quotes as I type that. I can’t help it.), and he winds up in
People, it is hard for me to adequately convey just how awful this movie is. Well, at least the parts I saw. All I can say is that I didn’t realize just how far-reaching its effects were until J and I watched the news right after we saw the end of the movie. There was a brief segment on President Bush getting to throw out the first pitch at a baseball game. And then this happened:
Me: Oh my God, J! I just thought of the BEST idea ever for an awful movie!
J: What is it?
M: Okay, so there’s this president--who I envision will be played by a Quaid brother, by the way--who is going along in his presidency, doing fine, but he can’t help but feel like he’s missing out on something. Something special. Something life-affirming.
J: Okay, keep going.
M: Then he’s told he’s throwing the first pitch out at a baseball game. You know, all ceremonial-like.
J: Uh huh.
M: And it turns out..he’s TOTALLY AWESOME at pitching.
J: Oh, no. I see where this is going.
M: [ignoring this] So the team wants to draft him.
J: Well, obviously.
M: Right, but he’s still the President, so he has some tough decisions to make. I’m envisioning a long,
J: M, does this end up with him being both a major league baseball pitcher and President of the
M: YES! Yes, it does!
J: I think the awfulness of Howard the Duck has gotten to you.
M: Admit that this could totally be an actual movie, J!
J: It could. What’s the title going to be?
M: SHIT. I have no idea.
J: You let me know when you come up with something. Love you, good night.
M: You, too.
Four hours later…
M: J! J! I’ve got it!
J: [sleepily]: Wha?
M: COMMANDER IN CLEATS: “Lefty politics, righty at the bat!”
J: It may be 3 in the morning, but I have to admit that’s actually perfect. Also, you are insane.
To focus the attention away from the fact that I STILL honestly believe this could be a real movie, let’s talk about you:
What’s the worst movie you’ve ever seen? (Also, do you believe that Commander in Cleats could be a real movie? DO YOU?)
***UPDATE***
A) I'm also guest posting over at Loralee's site today. I know, I know: Metalia? Two posts in less than 24 hours? Trust me, I'm as surprised as you are.
B) I'm giggling over your comments, and I'm stealthily adding some of these movies that I haven't yet seen to our NetFlix queue.
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53 comments:
I am a total Grease fanatic - I took my kids to a singalong at the Zeigfeld and actually got HIT by a 75 YEAR OLD lady (I use that term loosely) for "treating the place like my living room (standing in the aisle doing GREASED LIGHTNING) and singing too loudly (THERE ARE WORSE THINGS I COULD DO)"!! She got ejected from the thater and I got asked nicely to sit down and shut up :-) My kids were mortified.
My husband made me sit thru Evil Dead 2 - you MUST have seen this if you are a cheesy movie afficionado!! Truly in the Howard the Duck category of ridiculous plot, hammy acting, and quotable lines!
Not to be cliche, but it just might be Gigli. That was awful. But Howard the Duck is up there. That movie icks me out for some reason.
Oh, and The Punisher. OMG THE HORROR.
Howard the Duck offends me very much. My alma mater's mascot is the Duck. Clearly the people who created Howard the Duck had something against the University of Oregon.
The worst movie for me has to be Bring it On, All or Nothing. Which I BOUGHT because the video store was all out of it when it first came out. I was just convinced that I would love the sequel as much as I loved the first one. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.
I can't remember anything cheesy at the moment that would be anything like The duck movie, but I will admit to you and you only, that I also own Center Stage on VHS and DVD. Oh, and I have Josie and the Pussycats on VHS and DVD, that movie is quite cheesy, but I just love it. So you never did tell us, what did you decide about the phone????? I'm dying to know.
The worst movie EVER is Starship Troopers. It even has Dougie Howser in it. It's so bad. The husband tortures me by owning it and watching it every so often.
Girl, you are friggin hilarious! "Dr. Evil style impersonations" Haha, you kill me!
Oh, Grease! And Grease 2! I have seen it more times than I can count.
Not lately though, because Matthew does not share the love.
Maybe I should download the soundtrack on my Touch...
Also. I full expect to hear myself using "laser" at some point today.
Here via a recommendation from Ali at Cheaper Than Therapy.
Caveat: Two of my all-time favourite movies (Starship Troopers and The Punisher) are listed above as all-time worsts, so maybe you shouldn't consider my opinion too highly.
For me, it's The Lake House. Mail can travel across the space-time continuum? OK. Sandra Bullock is a DOCTOR? Puhleeze.
Oh, and sadly, Commander in Cleats could work. If they can have a 10 year old break his arm and have it heal with super-tight tendons, leading him to pitch for the Cubs, anything can happen.
I sure am glad I read your post early this morning, now I can save myself the trouble of reading anything else today because NOTHING could be funnier than Commander in Cleats. Yes, it could be an actual movie, and YES, you should start working on the script immediately.
Howard the Duck ranks right up there with worst movies ever.
I Totally believe that Commander in Cleats could be a real movie. I bet you could bring it up in conversation ("I saw the strangest thing on TV the other night...") and someone would say that it sounded familiar, and they thought they'd seen it years ago.
I saw part of Grease 2 recently and totally got into it. Flashback, big-time...
worst movie?
1987: My deamon lover (starring nick from family ties- malory's boyfriend- yeahm he STARS in it)
PLOT:
Denny has yet again been left by her thug boyfriend Chip. It seems as if she is doomed to be stuck with awful guys, this time she has to choose between nerdy Charles and the strange Kaz, who turns into a monster when sexually aroused.
You should def netflix it (if it's even available) bec it is a car crash. Its horrible, but you cannot look away.
BTW- I totally met fred savage years ago when he was on conan. He was my childhood celeb infatuation. I spoke to him, and needless to say I made an ass of myself.
Long-time lurker, first-time commenter...
"Commander in Cleats" can totally be a movie. And yeah, Dennis Quaid, definitely. My only fear now is that someone will come along and steal your idea.
Um, I love "Dirty Dancing 2: Havanna Nights." With a cameo by Patrick Swayze as Johnny Castle in a movie that takes place a few years BEFORE "Dirty Dancing" in CUBA, wherein Patrick Swayze looks 40-ish rather than 25-ish and also, how would he have gotten to CUBA anyway?
HATED Gerry with Matt Damon and Casey Affleck. Hated it. I watched it in fast forward to save myself from prolonged torture (I have a thing about turning off movies, as in I can't do it).
Commander in Cleats, sadly, could probably work. Don't know if I'd pay to see it, but if it were on tv I might tune in.
First, I LOVE GREASE 2! I know every song. I have always wanted a "Cool Rider". Also, my husband and I love Starship Troopers. We don't know why, we just do.
I think the worst movie I have ever seen is Clerks. I know. I love Kevin Smith but this movie just left me glad that I didn't see it before I saw Dogma because if I had I would have never watched Dogma. My husband thinks I am crazy but I keep telling him if we still smoked "the ganja", I would probably find it funnier.
Not only could Commander in Cleats be a real movie, it can probably happen in real life. Quite possibly, you are clairvoyant.
And, going against Erika here, I LOVE Clerks. But, I did see that Kevin Smith flick first. I think Mall Rats is my favorite. Critics hated it, and Kevin Smith later apologized for it!
If you like b-movies with really fake gore and gratuitous boob scenes, I recommend Troma films. Check out the plot of Sgt. Kabukiman N.Y.P.D.!
Holy crap! That is so funy!
Yes, Commander in Cleats should be a movie. It could quite possibly give Howard a run for his money...
My sister and I loved Howard as kids. Kids! I have no idea why we were even allowed to watch it. But the "relationship" between Howard and Lea Thompson - beyond disturbing!
I haven't seen that movie in years! Thanks for reminding me it existed!
Um, I think "Commander in Cleats" might be my new favorite movie.
I'm a cheese "B" movie lover also. Almost every movie anyone has mentioned here I have seen & loved. Can still sing the songs from both "Grease Movies", drop everything to watch Kevin Smith, own "Starship Troopers", and have to throw out there that I'm obsessed with the "Mummy" movies starring Brendan Fraser. "Commander in Cleats" not only sounds like it so totally could be a movie but most definitely sounds like one I'd watch repeatedly.
While Howard stands in a class by himself, his running mate, VP of the Land o' Cheese, if you will, is Kung Pow. Seriously, they cordon off it's section of the video store with warnings that the air around it has been known to cause sudden drops in IQ.
Another member of the Board of Cheese is Simply Irresistible. Sarah Michelle Gellar, Sean Patrick Flannery and a magic crustacean. Does it get any better?
Commander in Cleats had serious Disney Family Film potential. And I personally would cast Randy, not Dennis.
i told you! the howard-lea thompson sex! scarred me for LIFE!
oh, Metalia, how i love you. we ARE the same person, i'm beginning to believe. probably from the same kind of upbringing...jewish day school kids unite!
vice versa. oh. my. god. LOVE
and center stage, of course.
and Grease 2. classic.
I'm here through WhiskeyMarie. Hysterical post! "HTD" does not "rank among the worst ever" it IS the worst ever. ("Starship Troopers" is also epic awful). "Commander in Cleats" could totally be a movie, and if someone had created a fake trailer for it and shown it on April Fools' Day, I would have been completely taken in.
Dr. Doolittle 2 which is actually rather hilarious, I promise. Not the first one -- that's total crap -- but the SECOND. Watch it. You won't be disappointed.
It's so funny that everyone has such different opinions - I love some of the awful movies mentioned. I have seen a lot of awful ones, but the most recent is "August Rush". OMG, that was agonizing to sit through.
I think "Commander in Cleats" just might be your million dollar idea. Go for it!
The worst movie I've ever seen was The Time Machine. REEEEEEALLY bad. But I'm a terrible person to ask, because I haven't seen many movies.
Worst ever has to be AI (Artificial Intelligence). Their kid dies so they buy a robot-y fake one? Yeah, uh huh. I had to fight the urge to stand up in the theater and yell "Is anyone liking this?"
My husband and I now use it as the benchmark for everything--you know, "Well, that movie blew but at least it wasn't AI."
Love "Commander in Cleats" by the way.
First of all, Flash Gordon is bad? Really? I loved that movie as a kid and actually I think I saw it recently and um, thought it kinda stood up, y'know?
Worst movie ever - The Dark Backwards. This happens to be one of my husband's favorite movies and I guess is somewhat of a cult classic. Cult classic as in 6 people like it. It's long, it's weird, it's poorly lit and the whole thing is very sweaty.
"Commander in Cleats" - love!
LMAO! This is cracking me up!
I don't know if Girls Just Want to Have Fun counts, but I watch it on a regular basis. There's a part when Janey says "And I LOVE to dance!" that is so cheesy and horrible, I must imitate it every time.
I love bad cheesy movies.
I've got to second the awesomeness of Flash Gordon, Grease 2, Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, and Howard the Duck. I had all of those on VHS tapes that I recorded from HBO as young kid. I wore those suckers out.
The Evil Dead movies are just fantastic and I have come to accept that Starship Troopers holds mystical powers because there's no other explanation of why I watch that movie over and over again.
I have to add the following:
Breakin' and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.
and another bad dancing movie:
Flash Forward. (this one is truly horrendous)
I netflixed/tivo'd all of these not too long ago...and I got overdosed on the Awfulness.
Be sure you give yourself ample time to recover between viewings, otherwise the joy of the Bad Movie disappears. And you might go nutty.
"I'll be your girl for all seasons, all the year through..."
I would have died to have dated Maxwell Caufield.
OK, I STILL have not seen Center Stage, and I've seen Grease the Second only once, many, many moons ago. I feel compelled to remedy these gaps in my movie knowledge, if only because of how often you've mentioned them.
I remember when Howard the Duck came out, but sadly (luckily?), have never seen it.
My favorite cheesy bad movie is Never Been Kissed, but I refuse to believe that's actually a bad movie.
Oh I love, LOVE bad movies! Grease 2 is my all time favorite movie. The runner up, Pure Country. I went through a big country girl phase in junior high. I could not get enough George Strait. I am no longer that country girl, but I will still stop and watch that movie everytime it is on tv.
And Commander in Cleets could totally be a movie. I snorted when I read the title. Perfection.
Sometimes the Howard the Duck songs pops into my head and I hum it to myself. Sad, but true.
My horrible movie recommendation is The Wraith, made in 1986 and starring Charlie Sheen. An imdb.com summary reads thus, "Packard Walsh and his motorized gang lord and terrorize an Arizona desert town, where they force boys to drag-race so they can 'win' their vehicles. After they beat the decent teenager Jamie Hankins to death, dragging him from his girlfriend while they made love, a mysterious power creates Jake Kesey, an extremely cool motor-biker, who has a car which makes invincible. Jake befriends Jamie's girlfriend Keri Johnson, takes Jamie's sweet brother Bill under his wing and manages what sheriff Loomis couldn't: eliminate Packard's criminal gang the hard way... "
It was on TV late one night and my dumb ass stayed up until 2.30am watching this piece of trash. I kept watching it, but I just couldn't tear myself away!
First, never apologize for owning Center Stage. It is amazing. Second, the pregnant "man" frightens me. For real. Third, Commander in Chief sounds fabulous. And four, Manos: Hands of Fate (available as part of Mystery Science Theater 3000), is routinely referred to as the worst movie ever, and I have to agree. It's atrociously amazing. The entire movie is dubbed over by two people who do all the voices and it starts with a 10 minute driving montage. Intrigued?
i don't know how old i was when howard the duck came out but i was ter.rif.fied. holy hell i was so scared, i still haven't even seen it to this day (i'm 26)
Step Up is the best/worst. Hot (sooo hot) kid from the wrong side of the tracks falls in love with a snooty girl from the right side. dancing ensues. sigh. i think dance-off's make a good/bad movie
:)
Commander in Cleats could totally be a real movie. Start shopping that shit around Hollywood.
Worst movie I've seen lately: Because I Said So. It doesn't have a duck or anything, but Diane Keaton's outfits will remind you of various birds throughout the movie. I love and adore cheesy movies, ESPECIALLY those starring Mandy Moore, but that one was truly horrifyingly awful.
I want to see Commander in Cleats. I LOVE bad movies. Death to Smoochy and Troop Beverly Hills and Micki + Maude.
But I also love Lifetime Movies so maybe my opinion doesn't count.
"I want a coo-ooo-oooo-ooll rider...a coo-oo-ooo-oool rider...!"
Grease 2, Grease - awesome. I love cheesy movies. Hmmm...Cutting Edge is really bad good. My husband watches this rollerblading movie every time it comes on - some surfer kid moves to Cincinnati and tries to overcome being the new kid...bad movie, he watches it EVERY TIME.
I can't think of any really awful ones, but am enjoying the other comments!!
Came here on Moosh in Indy's recommendation.
I think you are an absolute genius coming up with "Commander in Cleats". Amazing really.
I watched Howard the Duck when I was a little lassy only 10 years old. I still remember the fact that he gets it on with Lea Thompson. I'm scarred.
I don't have a problem with movies that are awful and you know they'll be awful. In fact, I rather enjoy them. Case in point - any movie starring the Rock or Amanda Bynes. Love them.
My problem is with movies that try to be good but are terrible ("Seven Years in Tibet", "The Illusionist". Or with movies that are marketed wrong so you go in thinking expecting something else -note: "Spanglish" is NOT a romantic comedy.
P.S. I love Michael Bay movies if only for the loud explosions, sweaty yet handsome men and too-hot for reality girls.
If I used LOL I'd be using right now. But I don't so just pretend.
I wish I had reccomendations.
I say Newsies, not that it's horrible, I just love it.
LOVE IT.
Center Stage is one of my "better" favorite movies. I fear I'm even worse than you... Adventures in Babysitting, Don't tell Mom..., Hello Again... those are the bottom of my barrel :)
Center Stage is awesome. Don't be ashamed. I also watching Bring It On every time TiVo tells me it's on. And I own Save the Last Dance, too. There's no shame here.
Hmmm. Commander in Cleats. Perhaps, but I'm thinking Tony Danza might make a stellar lead.
worst movie is a tie between The Omega Code and Freddy Got Fingered.
My favorite movie that is considered "bad" is Hudson Hawk, with Bruce Willis. Completely ridiculous and incredibly fun to watch, the critics hated it and I LOVE it.
The worst movie I've ever seen would have to be "The Gravedancers" which was courtesy of my mother in law who takes what Netflix recommends to her VERY seriously. It had horrendously cheesy acting and hilarious special effects. However, when I read about it, it seemed to be critically acclaimed, which I do not understand.
Because I Said So! With Mandy Moore and Diane Keaton! HORRIBLE.
I also HATED The Stepford Wives (uuuuuuughhhhh) and, for entirely different reasons, that one with Scarlett Johanssen and Topher Grace -- you know, where Topher Grace ends up being Scarlett Johanssen's dad's boss. Oh! IN GOOD COMPANY! Yeah, don't see that. Mainly because it was horrifically depressing when I thought it was going to be a light-hearted chick flick.
I have to admit that I didn't think Gigli was THAT bad. Although I could only sit through five minutes of Brick (which everyone raaaaaaaaaved about) before declaring it pretentious tripe and having to turn it off.
I have a very soft spot in my heart for Grease 2. Also, as a child, I LOVED The Karen Carpenter Story, which was basically a Lifetime movie about KC's struggle with anorexia. (WTF? I know!) I wonder if I could find it on Netflix.
Oh! Best cheesy movie ever: How To Deal! Ohhhhhhhhh yes, with Mandy Moore again. I love that Mandy Moore.
Kung Pow: Enter the Fist is officially the worst movie I have ever seen. As in... 3 minutes into the movie, I just wanted my rental money back. My stepkids chose this gem.
You and I share a love for awful movies. I can't make myself stop watching Grease 2, even though it's terrible, and I've seen it eleventy billion times. "Where does the pollen GO?"
I don't know what "Center Stage" is, but I must google it.
And dude, "Commander in Cleats" could totally be a movie. And not even a horrible movie...it could be a good movie.
I think one of the worse movies ever is "Phenomenon" with John Travolta. Dude, so could NOT happen. Here's the plot summary:
Some dude see a bright flash of light and become a genius. He uses his new intelligence for the good of his community.
Whatever.
Kyra Sedgwick is also in the movie. She plays "Lace". Who, surprisingly, is not a stripper. Lace, really?
I hated it. (I also hated "Michael" a movie Mr. Travolta also did that same year. Dude, he sucked in between "SNF" and "Pulp Fiction".)
(Crap, I just looked and these two movies were AFTER "Pulp Fiction". Oh no!)
The Wraith! Best worst movie EVER, I mean so far, for me. I, too, am a fan of movies that hurt so good.
The Wraith is 1980's Charlie Sheen who is dead, but isn't, and his motorcycle flies. I watched it free On Demand. It's so awesome.
Also: "Commander in Cleats." You so need to pitch that idea to Hollywood. (Ah, puns. Wee!)
Commander in Cleats? Seriously. I am CRYING over here.
You, my dear, are a flat-out genius!
This has absolutely nothing to do with your post, but it seemed like something you may like:
http://www.amazingben.com/archives.html
OK, I can guarantee you that J likes, no loves, the following movie, which is clearly one of the worst of all time, but one that I find myself watching whenever it's on (think 2am, Tuesday night, TNT).
I'm referring to Iron Eagle - Lou Gosset Jr as "Chappy" and Jason Gedrick as "Doug". Here's the 10 second overview: Doug's father, an air force pilot, is shot down by some radical middle eastern country and Doug, a high school student, learns how to fly a fighter jet, steals one from the air force and rescues his dad.
By the way, there were (obviously) so many unanswered questions following the movie that Iron Eagle II came out a few years later...even better than the original.
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