I’ve made no secret of my boundless adoration for really awful and/or cheesy movies.
I not only own Center Stage on DVD, but VHS, as well. FOR THAT IS HOW LONG I HAVE LOVED IT. I could, if called upon, perform dramatic reenactments of key scenes in the seminal Judge Reinhold/Fred Savage film, Vice Versa. And spontaneously breaking out into songs from Grease 2 is pretty much an everyday occurrence in the Metalia household. (“Let’s bowwwwwwwl tonight…”) Oh, and I’d be remiss in omitting the fact that I have seen Flash Gordon MORE THAN ONCE, and not one of the times involved me watching it against my will, eyelids propped open with toothpicks, Clockwork Orange-style. Yes, I truly thought I was inured to the shock value of the whole Shitty Movie Genre.
Nothing, however, could have prepared me for Howard the Duck.
Howard the Duck, for those of you who don’t know, is one of the worst films ever made. And it’s not just ME saying that, but like, EVERY CRITIC IN THE WORLD. I only caught the tail end of it (I’m so punny), but was simultaneously horrified and transfixed. I have the same reaction when I watch Mariah Carey sing, or see pictures of The Pregnant Man. Anyway, I’ve spent the past few days learning all about the movie, and using all of my willpower to refrain from checking if it’s available on NetFlix. Steel yourself, as I am not making any of this up:
Howard is a duck (duh), and by “duck,” I of course mean “a large, anthropomorphic, horny duck wearing a Miami Vice-style suit.” He lives in Duckworld, which I think is in outer space, but is just like Earth, only with ducks. Or something. My god, recapping the movie IS ACTIVELY MAKING ME DUMBER.
Anyway, he’s at home reading Playduck magazine (I SWEAR) when he inadvertently gets beamed to earth by a “laser” (I’m doing Doctor Evil air quotes as I type that. I can’t help it.), and he winds up in
People, it is hard for me to adequately convey just how awful this movie is. Well, at least the parts I saw. All I can say is that I didn’t realize just how far-reaching its effects were until J and I watched the news right after we saw the end of the movie. There was a brief segment on President Bush getting to throw out the first pitch at a baseball game. And then this happened:
Me: Oh my God, J! I just thought of the BEST idea ever for an awful movie!
J: What is it?
M: Okay, so there’s this president--who I envision will be played by a Quaid brother, by the way--who is going along in his presidency, doing fine, but he can’t help but feel like he’s missing out on something. Something special. Something life-affirming.
J: Okay, keep going.
M: Then he’s told he’s throwing the first pitch out at a baseball game. You know, all ceremonial-like.
J: Uh huh.
M: And it turns out..he’s TOTALLY AWESOME at pitching.
J: Oh, no. I see where this is going.
M: [ignoring this] So the team wants to draft him.
J: Well, obviously.
M: Right, but he’s still the President, so he has some tough decisions to make. I’m envisioning a long, walk by the Lincoln Memorial for that scene.
J: M, does this end up with him being both a major league baseball pitcher and President of the
M: YES! Yes, it does!
J: I think the awfulness of Howard the Duck has gotten to you.
M: Admit that this could totally be an actual movie, J!
J: It could. What’s the title going to be?
M: SHIT. I have no idea.
J: You let me know when you come up with something. Love you, good night.
M: You, too.
Four hours later…
M: J! J! I’ve got it!
J: [sleepily]: Wha?
M: COMMANDER IN CLEATS: “Lefty politics, righty at the bat!”
J: It may be 3 in the morning, but I have to admit that’s actually perfect. Also, you are insane.
To focus the attention away from the fact that I STILL honestly believe this could be a real movie, let’s talk about you:
What’s the worst movie you’ve ever seen? (Also, do you believe that Commander in Cleats could be a real movie? DO YOU?)
***UPDATE***B) I'm giggling over your comments, and I'm stealthily adding some of these movies that I haven't yet seen to our NetFlix queue.