I was IM’ing with the lovely Susan Wagner earlier today, discussing a multitude of beauty products. As we fully acknowledged our mutual product addictions, she wondered aloud (well, on IM, anyway) what rehab for such addiction would be like, and quickly concluded that it would involve you giving up all of your good stuff, whereupon you would be handed a Chapstick and some Dove soap. THAT’S IT.
As we speculated about the horrors of product addiction rehab, I began to think about the circumstances that would get you there. And that’s when I remembered one of my secret favorite train-wreck shows, Intervention. My god, can you imagine an episode about lip gloss addiction? I can, and it would be AWESOME. So much better and less depressing than the ones about compulsive shopping...or, you know, crystal meth. Here’s how my segment would go:
"I started out kinda young, I guess...dabbling in Chapstick when I was 8, moving on to Wet n' Wild by 10...by 14, I was ponying up the big bucks for Revlon Colorstay. Rich Raisin was my preference...an older cousin introduced me to it. If only I’d known then the choice I was making...It’s been years, man. And I can’t stop. Sure, I’ll slum it at Target and Rite-Aid, but when I need a real fix, what they have to offer just won’t cut it anymore.”
[Cut to me entering Neiman Marcus. Turning to camera.]
“Yep, here I am. Again.” *weeps*
[Cut to the Nars counter. The makeup assistant’s face is blurred out as she counts out my cash and hands me a tube of gloss.]
The intervention would take place in Sephora, after I’d received a (fake) 50% off coupon for the store; all my friends and loved ones would be waiting for me there, prepared to address my little problem and forcibly take away my makeup bag. I'd run crying to the bathroom, presumably to reflect upon the error of my ways and contemplate lip gloss addiction rehab, but the cameras would catch me frantically applying the teeny lipgloss I had attached to my keychain...JUST IN CASE.Annnnnd.....scene.
Now, admittedly, I don’t buy a new gloss every week. (And I am the total opposite of a gloss snob; I’ll buy anything that looks good, regardless of brand.) But I have amassed quite a collection. See this? This does not represent all of my glosses; it came from ONE BAG:
And so I thought to myself, wouldn’t it be fun (for me, anyway) to do a little lip gloss timeline? Taking you from my youthful mistakes to my present-day favorites? (Answer: Yes. Yes, IT WILL BE FUN, DAMMIT.)
Age 8-14: Cherry Chapstick –I was not allowed to wear any makeup WHATSOEVER until I was 14. The only concession my mom made to this hard-and-fast rule was Chapstick…which, by the way, is still in my beauty arsenal. I resented this rule at the time, but considering that 11-year-olds are getting highlights, and 10-year-olds are getting bikini waxes, in retrospect, perhaps it was good that I got time to be a kid.
Age 14-15: Revlon Colorstay Raisin Lipstick –The next few years were not kind to me. I kicked things off with this long-wearing lipcolor, which hit the lipstick trifecta of being: (a) matte; (b) drying and flaky; (c) A REVOLTING SHADE OF DARK ORANGE. Did I mention that I wore scented body glitter simultaneously with this lipstick? Because I did.
Age 16: "Adult" Film Star Lipstick – I moved on, but didn’t wise up, as my next makeup decision was to rock the ever-classy “pale, pale lipstick, dark, dark lipliner” look favored by women with names like "Candy Rainns" and "Destiny Heavenn". Needless to say, I thought I looked foxy as hell. The sad thing is, I'd tried this look a few years before...
...and then did it AGAIN. Because clearly, I don't learn from my mistakes.
Age 16-18: Clinique Tenderheart Gloss – Heather B. and I were just talking about our respective Clinique Stages, and how every girl goes through one. Mine involved Tenderheart. My mom had received it in one of those “gift with purchase” bags from Clinique, and she gave it to me. It was THE FIRST LIP GLOSS I EVER OWNED. The shine! The sheer color! The texture! I was immediately obsessed, and pretty much abandoned lipstick from that point on. Thank God. This stage also involved their Almost Lipstick in Black Honey. I also topped everything with either MAC Lipglass in Clear, or Urban Decay XXX Shine Lip Gloss in Love Junkie.
The crazy shine imparted by both of these glosses, however, resulted in the unfortunate side effect of them being STICKY BEYOND ALL REASON, and so it was that I perennially walked around with locks of my hair glued to my lips…and then like, having to physically PRY it off, only to be left with clumpy strands of gloss-coated hair that nothing but a good washing would get rid of. Neat!
College years/Early 20’s: Drugstore Diva –Living on my own for the first time, I didn’t have tons of cash to blow on makeup. I needed to save it for necessities like alcohol and cheese puffs. And so, I did most of my makeup shopping at the Duane Reade drugstore around the corner from my apartment. Neutrogena MoistureShine Gloss in Dreamy figured prominently in my routine, as did Almay Ideal Lip Gloss in what I believe was a wine color. I also still wore the supersticky Urban Decay gloss. Because I was an idiot.
Present Day: My top five favorite glosses actually all appear in the picture above. Here they are--in no particular order--with my comments:
Alba TerraGloss in Garnet- Don't be put off by the hot pink gloss that appears in the link! It's actually much tamer than that, more of a neutral/reddish color. I saw this separately on Whiskeymarie and Kerflop, and after asking them both about the beautiful lipgloss they were each wearing (and getting the same answer), I ran out to get it. It's gorgeous, sheer, and tastes vaguely like vanilla frosting. Mmm.
Kiehl's Lip Gloss in Goldenberry- A recommendation from Whoorl, I wear this or the Alba gloss every day. It's a perfect sheer pinky peachy, whatever-y color. This one tastes like mango. Mmm. (Are you sensing a theme here?)
Chanel Glossimer in Sirop - Once again, I urge you not to be put off by the frightening coral shade this gloss appears to be in pictures (um, and in person). Yes, I know it looks like it would go perfectly with a floral pantsuit, orthopedic sandals, and an Early Bird dinner, but I'm telling you, this is one of the most gorgeous, subtle shades I've ever come across. And by "come across" I of course mean "stopped a woman in the street for, in order to ask her what lip gloss she was wearing." (True story.)
Nars Lip Gloss in Foul Play- My search for the perfect nude lip gloss has taken me far and wide, and I can say with great certainty that THIS IS IT.
Nars Lip GLoss in Rose Birman - The good people at Sephora describe this shade as a "sheer raspberry cream." which I guess is pretty accurate. This is my go-to shade for any event that requires me to style my hair, put on heels, and generally look the part of a grown-up.
You know, I'm sure, what I'm going to ask you now, right? What are your faves?
Get to it! (Pretty please.)
(PS: Happy Mother's Day, fellow mamas!)