Now, I sort of loathe her and everything she (and the rest of her crew) stands for, but as I watched the commercial—which involved her, Brody Jenner, their Awesome New Phones Which Double As Mirrors Through Which Brody Can See the Asses of Hot Chicas, and Lauren’s annoyance related thereto—I had but one thought:
“Man! Lauren’s liquid eyeliner looks AMAZING!”
As noted it was the middle of the night, but her eyes really DID look fantastic. Which explains why I resolved then and there to run out the very next day, purchase some liquid eyeliner, and learn how to use it.
Liquid eyeliner and I have a bit of a history. I’ve tried to use it in the past, but it is my Everest, my Achilles' heel, the ONE cosmetic product that I cannot learn how to use properly.
Needless to say, this frustrates me endlessly. It’s not so much that I NEED to master the skill of applying liquid eyeliner (it’s really unnecessary for the pediatrician’s office, Target, and the supermarket, the places where I spend most of my time lately), but more that I suck at it so completely that it’s embarrassing for a self-proclaimed beauty junkie like myself.
The last time I gave it a shot was a few years ago, so I figured it was time for another go. Perhaps, I reasoned, age had steadied my hand and granted me the wisdom necessary to perfect this skill.
I scoured a few websites for reviews, and settled on a suitable liquid liner. During my morning walk with Lo, we stopped at Rite-Aid to pick it up. Home we went, liner in tow, and I set out to conquer that elusive thin black line.
It did not go well AT ALL.
I did it once with a very cautious, light hand, and it smudged in so completely that it was totally invisible. I tried again, and this time I looked like an ancient Egyptian hooker.
At that point, I got frustrated, and made the next logical choice, which is, of course, to really pile on the eyeliner and see how much I could make myself look like Amy Winehouse.
Wait. Something is missing. But what? Hmmm....
There we go.
I would love to be able to say that after much trial and error, I figured it out, but the only lesson to be learned here is to close your bedroom door while playing Dress Up Like Amy Winehouse, lest your toddler son come home and sneak up on you in all your Winehouse-y glory, at which point you will likely scar him for life with your appearance.
You win again, liquid eyeliner.
C’mon, spill. What's your beauty-related Achilles heel?