Okay, I did it.
I finished the Twilight series. I forsook (that's a word, right?) the Olympics, only half watching the women's gymnastics (and I WAS a gymnast!), I cooked the most half-assed meals this past week, and I'm pretty sure my daughter thinks my face looks like a large black, white, and red-covered book. I'm not proud, people. But in honor of this momentous occasion, I was all ready to dazzle you with my poem
making fun of describing the series, when I realized that not everyone who wants to read the books has had a chance to do so yet. And my poem had spoilers in it. I mean, maternity leave is not easy by any stretch, but I do have a lot of "sitting around" time, perfect for reading books (meant for 14-year-old kids) quickly. Not wanting to be the jerk who ruined Twilight with an admittedly awful poem, I decided I’d put my (debatable) talents to better use, which will be revealed in just a moment.
Before I begin, I will say that while the books did hook me in, they were not…um, quality literature. And I have no problem with that, it’s just that it’s a bad sign when a reader starts counting the number of times an author reuses words and phrases. For me, it started with the word “murmur.” I can’t even begin to convey to you the number of times this word appears throughout the series, but THREE TIMES in the space of two pages, for instance, seems excessive to me. He murmurs, she murmurs, the bag of Doritos murmurs…it’s ridiculous. ENOUGH MURMURING. Then I started noticing other words the author repeatedly uses, and things that kept coming up, and I found myself completely distracted from the story. It got so bad that I actually caught myself talking to…myself. I believe my exact words were: “For the love of God, Stephenie Meyer! You’re filthy rich now! Buy a thesaurus!”
All of which brings me to my brilliant plan:
TWILIGHT DRINKING GAME!
Nursing (and a general desire to avoid alcohol poisoning) precludes me from participating, but I can only imagine just how drunk one would get if they actually took a shot every time (Don’t worry! No spoilers!)…
- Someone “murmurs.” (GAHHH! It’s killing me even to write it!)
- Bella injures herself with her klutziness, which, really. C’mon now. No one could be THAT bad.
- Edward smiles what Bella describes as “[her] favorite crooked smile.”
- The term “dazzle” is used in any form.
- The term “human” is used derisively, most often by Bella about herself. And on a similar note, drinking every time Bella acts like a masochist.
- One of the vampires “snarls” or “hisses” in a public place. (No one in the town notices that? NO ONE? REALLY?)
- The, uh, reader falls into a deep, dreamless sleep on the couch as Bella goes on (and on) about Edward’s beauty and finds him or herself one full hour later with a huge red indentation on his or her shoulder from where the 754 page book had rested as he or she slept. TRUE STORY.
- The reader sort of feels like Edward’s behavior and speech juuuuuust borders on that of a creepy, obsessive boyfriend, a la the fantastic Tori Spelling cinematic masterpiece, Mother May I Sleep With Danger. (Not like the reader has seen that movie three times, or anything, and uncontrollably giggles each and every time he or she gets to the scene where Tori has to escape in the canoe, even though it’s supposed to be Very, Very Serious, but that’s a story for another day.)
- The reader wonders why no one in school or the town has noticed that Edward and his family are so pale and so cold and so beautiful, since Bella clearly cannot shut up about any of these things.
- The reader feels like shouting at Edward and Bella, “Oh, just DO IT already!” And then the reader feels like a dirty old lady.
I jokingly mentioned this whole Twilight drinking game thing on Twitter (the murmuring! It was driving me mad, I tell you!), and a few other people piped in with awesome ideas, such as drinking every time:
- Edward "speaks low enough so no one could hear." (Jonniker)
- Someone winces, or refrains from wincing. (Kerrianne)
- Bella whispers “I’m sorry.” (Nancy Pearl Wannabe)
Since I know a lot of you have already read the books, I’m turning it over to you: What would you add to the list?