Okay, I did it.
I finished the Twilight series. I forsook (that's a word, right?) the Olympics, only half watching the women's gymnastics (and I WAS a gymnast!), I cooked the most half-assed meals this past week, and I'm pretty sure my daughter thinks my face looks like a large black, white, and red-covered book. I'm not proud, people. But in honor of this momentous occasion, I was all ready to dazzle you with my poem making fun of describing the series, when I realized that not everyone who wants to read the books has had a chance to do so yet. And my poem had spoilers in it. I mean, maternity leave is not easy by any stretch, but I do have a lot of "sitting around" time, perfect for reading books (meant for 14-year-old kids) quickly. Not wanting to be the jerk who ruined Twilight with an admittedly awful poem, I decided I’d put my (debatable) talents to better use, which will be revealed in just a moment.
Before I begin, I will say that while the books did hook me in, they were not…um, quality literature. And I have no problem with that, it’s just that it’s a bad sign when a reader starts counting the number of times an author reuses words and phrases. For me, it started with the word “murmur.” I can’t even begin to convey to you the number of times this word appears throughout the series, but THREE TIMES in the space of two pages, for instance, seems excessive to me. He murmurs, she murmurs, the bag of Doritos murmurs…it’s ridiculous. ENOUGH MURMURING. Then I started noticing other words the author repeatedly uses, and things that kept coming up, and I found myself completely distracted from the story. It got so bad that I actually caught myself talking to…myself. I believe my exact words were: “For the love of God, Stephenie Meyer! You’re filthy rich now! Buy a thesaurus!”
All of which brings me to my brilliant plan:
TWILIGHT DRINKING GAME!
Nursing (and a general desire to avoid alcohol poisoning) precludes me from participating, but I can only imagine just how drunk one would get if they actually took a shot every time (Don’t worry! No spoilers!)…
- Someone “murmurs.” (GAHHH! It’s killing me even to write it!)
- Bella injures herself with her klutziness, which, really. C’mon now. No one could be THAT bad.
- Edward smiles what Bella describes as “[her] favorite crooked smile.”
- The term “dazzle” is used in any form.
- The term “human” is used derisively, most often by Bella about herself. And on a similar note, drinking every time Bella acts like a masochist.
- One of the vampires “snarls” or “hisses” in a public place. (No one in the town notices that? NO ONE? REALLY?)
- The, uh, reader falls into a deep, dreamless sleep on the couch as Bella goes on (and on) about Edward’s beauty and finds him or herself one full hour later with a huge red indentation on his or her shoulder from where the 754 page book had rested as he or she slept. TRUE STORY.
- The reader sort of feels like Edward’s behavior and speech juuuuuust borders on that of a creepy, obsessive boyfriend, a la the fantastic Tori Spelling cinematic masterpiece, Mother May I Sleep With Danger. (Not like the reader has seen that movie three times, or anything, and uncontrollably giggles each and every time he or she gets to the scene where Tori has to escape in the canoe, even though it’s supposed to be Very, Very Serious, but that’s a story for another day.)
- The reader wonders why no one in school or the town has noticed that Edward and his family are so pale and so cold and so beautiful, since Bella clearly cannot shut up about any of these things.
- The reader feels like shouting at Edward and Bella, “Oh, just DO IT already!” And then the reader feels like a dirty old lady.
I jokingly mentioned this whole Twilight drinking game thing on Twitter (the murmuring! It was driving me mad, I tell you!), and a few other people piped in with awesome ideas, such as drinking every time:
- Edward "speaks low enough so no one could hear." (Jonniker)
- Someone winces, or refrains from wincing. (Kerrianne)
- Bella whispers “I’m sorry.” (Nancy Pearl Wannabe)
Since I know a lot of you have already read the books, I’m turning it over to you: What would you add to the list?
_300.jpg)
65 comments:
Every time Edwards "sighs" at Bella for being so human/dumb/klutzy/scared/in love/alive.
I'm rereading Twilight right now (because, clearly, I have no life) and holy crap, the sighing is out of control.
Also, "smirked."
YES! Holy crap, Janssen, how did I forget about the sighing?
I'm starting book one on the flight to the Bahamas tomorrow--can't wait!!! And I've heard the same, that the writing is absolutely ghastly.
And um, PLEASE read Harry Potter! How can you a) be a mother and b) get all the way through the Twilight series and not even try with J.K. Rowling?!?
what about everytime someone changes their breathing? Bella can't seem to breath right. Edward is constantly taking sharp breaths. Vampires are holding their breath for long periods of time.
BREATHE PEOPLE! It's not hard. It's an instinct.
(still waiting on Breaking Dawn to come in the mail. the waiting, it is not patient.)
LOL okay so I haven't read the books, but I'm cracking up anyway. Especially when you demanded she buy a thesaurus already. hee
I will say though: Harry Potter is excellent. I was skeptical, and didn't start reading the series until last year, like TEN YEARS behind everyone else.
Okay so now I feel like I need to add Twilight to my reading list, just participate in your game. heh
HOLY HELL!
HOORAY for me not being the only person to want to slit my wrists over all the damn "murmuring"!!!!!!!!
I seriously almost had to kill myself when Breaking Dawn started off with so much murmuring.
*sigh*
Oh, and Bella liked Edwards crooked smile? I missed that.
GAG!
Metalia, this is the exact post that I would have written about Twilight. EXACT. I know I shouldn't have been wanting all The Sex, but dude, I was so ready for The Sex. SO READY.
(What did you think about The Sex? I liked the way Stephenie handled it. Classy, and yet dirrty!)
I just was never convinced that Bella was all that. I mean, how did such a clutsy girl get these two hott guys to want her more then anything?
I need to shut up now.
I'm still on the first one (the audiobook was a bad idea -- it's like FORTY HOURS LONG), but here are mine:
Bella's heart pounds and her mind RACES.
Edward smiles, but his eyes are "bleak".
Edward clenches his hands so that the knuckles are white.
The vampires stare with endless/timeless/eternal eyes.
A vampire speaks so quickly their voice becomes a "low, urgent buzz".
I haven't finished Breaking Dawn yet (so thanks for no spoilers) but based on books 1-3 I would have to submit "chiseled marble."
Note to Carrisa...the breathing will be explained in BD. Not an excuse, I'm just saying.
(I forgot to add the Stephenie Meyer is a Mormon. Which explains the "no sex", but doesn't stop me from wanting Edward and Belle to have had sex in like chapter one of Twilight!)
I haven't read the Twilight series nor Harry Potter. I am a social outcast!
Oh my goodness, yes, the audiobooks. I have them and listened to them all. That narrator is horrible. I hated the way she did Edward saying "Bella". That was almost as bad as all the damn murmuring!
If I could count the number of times I yelled (or had to refrain myself from yelling, lest I scare Chris) at Bella for being a complete idiot I would have been hopelessly, perpetually, mind-numbingly drunk by the middle of book three. (And the dirty old lady feeling: oh how I was so there.)
Oh, and also: every time Edward's touch is cold upon Bella's skin, or Jacob's is burning to the touch. Every other page, I swear! it.
Oh, and also: You HAVE to read Harry Potter. PLEASE. You must! Because...how to put this gently...IT'S SO MUCH BETTER. Or, more to the point, J.K. Rowling is so much better! than Stephanie Meyer. I'm as much a fan of the Twilight series as anyone, but it's oh so true.
Oh, Stephenie Meyer. It's almost like she wanted her vampires to be Mormon as well.
Also: the Harry Potter books are much more well-written and cohesive.
what about drinking whenever they get around swearing by saying, "Holy crow!" or whenever Jacob says something that no teenaged boy would ever say i.e., "You're such a patsy," (!?!) or calls one of the Cullens a "bloodsucker." (that last one would get you drunk faaast).
I haven't read the third book yet and I've blocked out the first two by reading "real" literature. Agree with your list 100%!
Are the dynamics of Edward and Bella's relationship really what we want young women to model? Although I enjoyed the books (in a trashy beach, with no sexing, sort of way), I think the fact that he WATCHES her sleep for ages before telling her is f'ing CREEPY.
The fact that you have invented a drinking game for a Mormon-authored book just solidifies the fact that we are so getting married with a Jewish Mormon theme one day, my pet.
Freaking hilarious.
This made me laugh so much! I actually read these books and HATED them. I know many, many women loved them so I have chosen to keep all Twilight comments to myself. This drinking game is perfect though! I almost want to read them again. LOL
My goodness they are just books! Don't you think there is better way to spend your time then coming up with words that appear to often in the saga?
Let me ask all of you why you talk so elequently? Do you not use the same words many, many,MANY times a day?
GET OVER IT!
I've just started the fourth book, but if it is anything like the first three, let's add any description of Edwards amber (or some other way to say amber) eyes. Those references almost made me stop reading the first book.
How about any version of earthen material used to describe Edward's face: stone, granite, marble. Bahh!
I love these books. So much teen drama! They are like literary cotton candy.
What about a shot every time someone points out how slow/old/junkie her truck is? Because everyone feels compelled to do that every time they see the truck.
And not really a drinking suggestion, but a question: Does the school not require birth certificates for enrollment? Or are the Cullens expert photoshoppers and they just whip up new birth certificates every 10 years?
Every time a character "presses his lips together in a hard line."
Once a paragraph, at least.
I was thinking about reading this series, but I'm pretty sure I won't be able to get through one book without thinking of this post and laughing hysterically.
I just read the first two books and am starting on the third. Your drinking game is right on, I'd be blitzed after 5 pages. Seriously, the coldness and hardness of Edward's skin does not sound the least bit inviting, yet Bella somehow manages to cuddle into it. Who can cuddle with a stone, (since he's so often described as granite)?!
The books are kind of like modern junk foods... there's really not much that is truly good about them when you look at the ingredients, yet somehow the whole manages to keep you craving more. It's scary!
So I AM the LAST person not to have read any of these books?
I'm with Slynnro - have not read these books. Had not ever HEARD of them until you Twittered.
I blame the kids.
I haven't read these books either, but it doesn't matter because all I can focus on is the fact that you just referenced Tori Spelling's finest hour: Mother May I Sleep With Danger! Seriously... that just made my entire day. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
Haven't read it, but know what you're talking about. And, seriously, when I was 14, repetitive wording was soooo annoying!
i just started reading, um, 2 days ago. i'm SO excited to get hammered. ;)
I'm not going to read the comments just in case there are spoilers (I haven't read the series yet), but I have to say - you should TOTALLY read the Harry Potter books. first of all, once you get past the first two (which are geared towards younger readers) the quality of the writing will not disappoint. I can't make any promises about whether or not you'll be able to put it down though.
Just keepin' it real.
:) Becky
Thank God I'm not alone in feeling that Twilight (the only one I've read yet..that is IF I read anymore) gets pretty repetitive and boring at times. I just wrote about how it was getting on my nerves on my last post. I really don't get the HUGE hype surrounding this series. If I was friends with Bella in real life I would have slapped the shit out of her by now....shut up about how beautiful he is already!
How about when Bella just physically can't force herself to do something, like say the word "engaged?" Who actually has that problem? And also when Edward's topaz eyes are mentioned. Blech. The pathetic thing is that I'm totally reading Breaking Dawn right now, because for some reason they're totally freaking addicting. It's like the way you (okay I) can't stop popping crappy candy like plain M&Ms when I could be blowing my figure on high-quality chocolate.
How about every time Bella refers to Edward as "beautiful" and bemoans how she has NO IDEA how he could be attracted to her?
And WORD on every time Jacob calls the Cullens "bloodsuckers." So annoying in the audiobook, though it didn't bother me as much in print.
I have to say I loved these books. You're totally right on the repetive thing, though. :)
Thank you. THANK YOU FOR THIS POST! I loved Twilight. I couldn't put it down. I made my husband read Twilight and then we read the other 2 books in quick succession. My husband went to a local bookstore for the midnight release of Breaking Dawn. All by himself. A 37 year old man and 500 shrieking girls. I told him they probably thought he was a pervert. Not only did he bring home the book, he brought me stickers and buttons. I think he was more excited than I was, the weirdo. I then spent the rest of the night? morning? reading Breaking Dawn...AND I HATED IT!
Could Bella please enjoy receiving ONE present or be thankful for ONE party? //murmurs about what an ungrateful little witch she is... Bah.
I have been holding out on these books, but in the last week I have found out that half of my friends have read most, if not all of the series and I am beginning to feel left out. I may just have to head over to the local big box bookseller and pick them up tomorrow.
Fantastic!
My husband would like to add a drink for every "Make me a vampire!" "No!" conversation that takes place. That's is favourite theme in the books.
Cat
beyondbooks.wordpress.com
beyondelsewhere.ca
How about the fact that Bella will panic over. every. little. thing!
Out of mustard: Oh no! How can we be out of mustard?!? Obviously the mustard didn't care enough about me to stay around me! I'm so ugly!
Locks her keys in her truck: Oh no! How could I be so clumsy and forgetful! Edward would never do that, he's so perfect and I'm so weak! Why does he even love me? I'll never get in my truck again and Edward will leave!
Restaurant gets her order wrong: Oh no! I ordered mashed potatoes, not fries! If I were a vampire, I wouldn't need to eat food. Why won't Edward turn me? He must dread the idea of spending an eternity with me! Why am I so ugly while he is so beautiful? WHY?!?
Granted I have only read the first 2 books. Having said that, it is a good thing that the author has a decent narrative and a fairly interesting story, because she is an exceptionally weak writer. It's kind of like fan fiction. Her inability to describe the simplest scene irritated me to no end. Her descriptions seem to be limited to: Tall, impossibly beautiful, cold, plain, and hard. If an object, character, scene or location does not fit one of those categories, forget about it.
Sigh... And yet I will probably read the next book. Why? Because I still have the smallest hope that Buffy will show up and mulch everyone.
NPW cracks me up. "It's almost like she wanted her vampires to be Mormon as well." Ha.
Your idea, it is brilliant, Metalia. I would also like to add that one must down a shot every time Stephenie Meyer pounds you over the head with anything-but-subtle foreshadowing.
Why hasn't anyone mentioned the shuddering? That's the word (and its variations) that hangs me up. Someone is ALWAYS shuddering (and most often it's Bella). It's a sore thumb in the audiobooks, too.
I'm shuddering just thinking about "shuddering."
I'm glad to see a couple of other comments from people who have never heard of these books. I was beginning to feel a little out of the loop.
You should definitely read the Harry Potters!
I'm glad to see a couple of other comments from people who have never heard of these books. I was beginning to feel a little out of the loop.
You should definitely read the Harry Potters!
This is hysterical! Also, shockingly, it doesn't make me want to sprint down to the B&N and buy the whole series.
HOW DID EVERYONE MISS GRIMACED?! It's used so much in the first two books, the word has become a joke in our household. Stephenie Meyer needs a thesaurus.
Ok, I am on book 3, "Eclipse" and am loving the story. Yes, it is simply written, and obviously for teens. But I am a 32 year old vampire whore, who is starved for love from someone who exists, and is as polite as Edward.
I am really crushing on this character- how sad am I???
But enough with the *eye rolling* already. Bella rolled her eyes (insert reason why), Edward rolled his eyes at Bella because (insert reason here), Jacob (God do I despise him, can't he see Bella and Edward belong together) rolled his eyes (insert reason {or could it be because everyone else was rolling their eyes?})
Thank you for not spilling any spoilers. It is taking all my concious energy and effort to not skip ahead.
Oh how I love this post. I think we should get to down a shot of something every time Bella's dad acts like such an idiot-tard that you think he MUST have some sort of secret knowledge that comes into play later in the book because no one could possibly be that dumb. But then he really is that dumb.
On your comment about Edward bordering on creepy, the whole time I was reading the books, I kept telling Dan, "This guy fits the exact profile of a date rapist or a stalker." Isolates her from her friends and family, somehow makes her feel that she's lucky to have him and should just be grateful to have him pay any attention to her, watches her secretly while she's sleeping every. single. night, etc.
i just finished the first book. i have to admit, i stayed up and read it all in one night. but, i did that with the davinci code, too...and that wasn't particularly well-written, either.
i'm about to go to target, and i was going to buy the second book...
but, you know what?
i think i'm just going to re-read my harry potters instead.
if anyone has any new reading suggestions, i'd love to hear them. i miss being in lit school...it seems so hard now to find material that i love to read. you know, other than here in the blogosphere.
I have not read all the comments, but must mention that I about threw the 2nd book across the room due to the gratuitous overuse of the word "torso," especially in reference to the "hole" left in Bella's. good lord, could she not have explored the use of the word chest, heart, body, thoracic cavity????
I enjoyed Meyer's decision to make "ghost" a verb... until the 29489347th time she used the word "ghosted" to convey "glided."
Thanks for this post. :)
Hey, Randomly linked from Sundry (I think).
Can't belive no one mentioned "chagrin." "with chagrin" "he/she was chagrined" and on and on. Gets much worse in book 4, like she was so rushed to get it out she didn't bother to have an editor look at it.
UGH!
That being said, could not put these books down. Read all 4, twice in about 2 weeks. No, I'm not 14.
Infathomable. Whenever she couldn't think of a real descriptor, up comes "infathomable" and hey, problem solved!
hey hey! stop with the twilight dissing i found it pretty good and trust me i was not expecting that!i think the words where pretty appropriate.and have YOU ever been to forks or any other small washington state town cause i lived there and trust me stuff like that can go unnotticed.bella's klutziness is pretty realistic cause i'm that klutzy.i actually figured out how to trip myself on a flat surface and i can't seem to stop.i have so many bruises that it's embbarrasing!and i'm black!!!which means u really shouln't be able to see them but u do!!!i thought the books were awesome and so does every other teenager alive!which is all that matters because we r the ones who read the books anyway!
Yes the eye rolling and the grimacing had me hurling the freakin book at the wall with all my weakling human strength. I would scream at my husband that "I can't read another eye rolling page!" Even Jacob in wolf form turns half his head to roll his one visable eye. And Emily, Sam's girl with the ruined face, finds the time to roll her one good eye. And little new born Renesmee(STUPID NAME) rolls her eyes within the first moments of life! If the movie stays true to the book, there will be no dialogue. Just murmuring, grimacing, and eye rolling. Pan to Edward, Edward eye rolls, back to Belle, she eye rolls, Charlie grimaces, Jacob murmurs, and Bella eye rolls again.
Hi! GREAT Post! I loved it. Just brilliant. I agree about the murmur thing. Gah. Seriously, someone buy that woman a thesaurus. I'm 23 years old and I felt the literature was weak. Anytime I tell a friend about the series, I forwarn them with a "The writing is awful, but the story is fantastic." It's so weird. If I can't handle reading bad writing, I usually don't get into the story but I LOVED this. Don't get me started on the movie... GAH! It was terrible!!! Robert Pattinson and the casting of the vampires is the only good thing about that movie. Kristin Stewart is awful.
How in the world did Bella get two hot guys to go gaga over her? Man... some girls get all the luck.
Great post!! Keep it up. :)
Dude... I know you wrote this MONTHS ago, but I just finished the fourth book today and the one word that was mentioned more than any other (besides "murmur") HAD TO BE "shudder." Everyone was always shuddering. Drove me crazy.
I'm suprised no one has mentioned his cold skin, I mean if his skin is cold then wouldn't someone notice it? Like how he shakes Charlie's hand in the movie, if someone had that cold of skin and shook my hand i'd probably think something was wrong.
I know murmur was a big thing, but what about mumble? Because they did a lot of mumbling too. I also noticed that "poker face" was always used to describe someone with an unreadable expression. Oh, and another one that was overused.. "UGH!"
I have just read book one. Am I going to read the others? I fear so. But at least I know the right triggers for the alcohol now.
For me, a big problem is that Bella is so annoying. In a well written book, it doesn't matter what the main characters are like. In a book like this; it does. This girl grates.
It's not as though the writing in the Harry Potter books is fantastic (though it is more workmanlike than this series) but at least Harry is actually a pleasant and reasonably articulate character. The books are better plotted too.
I found this post because I was thinking of writing a drinking game myself. The writing was SO bad, I would sigh and groan out loud to myself! I still couldn't stop myself from reading it anyway.
I am incredulous that nobody has mentioned the insane overuse of the word "incredulous".
How many times can a character narrow their eyes? "Their eyes narrowed. His eyebrows came together. With narrowed eyes, he looked up through his eyelashes."...URGGGHh!
In book one and two there was far too much winking going on. Didn't know those vamps were so CHEEZY!
Lips pressing into a line.
Lips pulled back against the teeth.
Plus there were a bazillion bad similes. Maybe Meyer has never heard of a metaphor. Or maybe an editor?
I liked the series and I liked SM's other book 'The Host' but even I can't ignore the countless times she's used the word 'chagrin' (surprised you didn't mention that one), the fact that she thinks morphine is the only available painkiller, and her apparent obsession with vomiting and near-death experiences.
Harry Potter can't even begin to compare to Twilight. You lost your credibility in your title. Judging one series on another completely unrelated one? How do you justify that?
any time someone says grimaced or chagrined.
chagrined was the worst
"Stone/marble chest" for Edward.
"Russet skin" for Jacob.
"S/he mused" - especially if they're not actually musing, e.g. "I'm off to pick up some milk," Edward mused.
Drinking for every instance of glowering will get you shitfaced quicksmart.
Sames goes for smirking.
I found this site using [url=http://google.com]google.com[/url] And i want to thank you for your work. You have done really very good site. Great work, great site! Thank you!
Sorry for offtopic
Hello
purchase lexapro
Regular check-ups for the first 12 weeks of treatment is a must.
[url=http://www.piecethemusical.com/]lexapro sale[/url]
Drug Interactions: Lexapro is not recommended if you are taking (MAOI) monoamine oxidase inhibitor like isocarboxazid, rasagiline, tranylcypromine,selegiline, or phenelzine.
http://www.piecethemusical.com/ - lexapro sale
Lexapro - No more depressionSee the list of reputable online pharmacies selling Lexapro (Escitalopram) at discounted price.
I'm sixteen, and I read these books just before the entire world started obsessing over them, so I didn't have much warning about how idiotic they are. For some reason that I haven't quite figured out, I read the whole series. The biggest problem to me is how Bella and Edward don't see anything wrong with lying to Bella's father, sneaking in and out of the house at night, etc. I know that they're supposedly perfect for each other, but shouldn't Bella at least have SOME problem with all this? Or at LEAST worry that they'll get caught?
Why on Earth did I read these idiotic books?!
Post a Comment