I’m so not kidding.
Truly, we have our shit together.
We go to Target fairly often, yet I somehow never remember that we need a damn shower caddy when we go (but do always erroneously think we need toothpaste), and so the product leaping has sadly become part of our routine. As has finding new places to stash all the Crest I keep buying. This weekend, however, after T knocked a bottle of open shampoo onto the bathmat for perhaps the 53rd time, I was all, “J! WE NEED A NEW SHOWER CADDY ALREADY, MY GOD.”
And off we went to Target, kids in tow. I don’t know what your respective Target stores are like, but ours is pretty interesting, and by “interesting,” I mean “out of stock of whatever specific items you need, and populated by pregnant 15-year-olds, crotchety old men on motorized scooters with names like 'Lil' Rascal', countless runaway toddlers, a preponderance of surly women in Tweety Bird regalia who seem to take great pleasure out of taking the last box of Mr. Clean Erasers, leaving you no choice but to buy the cheap-ass Target brand.”
In short, it is THE LAST PLACE ON EARTH you’d expect to see a famous person.
And yet, there in the bath aisle, we happened upon Audra McDonald, of Private Practice fame.
J spotted her first and immediately turned to me, whereupon we had one of those Couples Conversations using only our eyes, and it was through such communication that we both wordlessly asked each other and subsequently agreed that it was, in fact, her.
Now, this is the part where I acknowledge how I inadvertently confessed that we watch Private Practice, but I DON’T CARE. To say that Grey’s Anatomy sucks lately would be a massive understatement, and while this show has its issues too, I always loved the Addison-related plotlines on Grey’s. (Um, except when I was pregnant, and would weep inconsolably about anything involving Babies in Peril.)
Anyway, we were in the bath accessories aisle with her for a solid two minutes, but didn’t say anything, because: a) we didn't want to bother her; and b) the first and only time I ever had an actual discussion with a famous person, it went...poorly. (It was Gabriel Byrne, and I was on one of the worst first dates of all time, wherein said date had terrible diarrhea-AND I KNOW THIS BECAUSE HE TOLD ME- and while waiting for the guy to return from the bathroom, Gabriel Byrne walked over to me and asked me for the time. After I told him, and he’d walked off, I realized who he was, and chased him down, shrieking “hey! I loved you in The Usual Suspects!” as he thanked me and gave me the tight, slightly frightened smile you’d offer to a deeply crazy person, and continued on his way.)
I’ve since vowed to myself never to speak to another famous person unless they speak to me first. Like say, if I have to answer the question, “Hey, you! Get back here, weirdo! Why are you secretly taking pictures of me at this hockey game?”
It’s wholly unfair, though, because while I was super excited about seeing Audra McDonald, J was only mildly impressed. And THAT is because he sees famous people all the damn time. Granted, it has a lot to do with his job and where he works, but still. Let’s make a short list of the people he’s seen, and the famous people I’ve seen. Here’s what I remember offhand:
~ Liam Neeson (and that was while with J) and the aforementioned Gabriel Byrne
~ Tom Hank’s kid who I think was in a shitty movie called Orange County. Or so I've heard. Ahem.
~ Dawn Weiner from Welcome to the Dollhouse
~NYC Mayor Mike Bloomberg on my subway (exciting!)
~A character from Out Cold (A movie that I’m fairly certain no one in the world has ever seen but me and J). I saw him walking across
Susan Sarandon & Tim Robbins
DAN AND SERENA FROM GOSSIP GIRL. With whom he ate pizza. And of course, let’s not forget…
Oprah. OPRAH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
While J will likely somehow stumble upon and subsequently hobnob with Angelina Jolie and John Mayer on his way to work tomorrow, I’ll be on the lookout for my next celebrity sighting. Which, given my track record, will be someone from any season of the Surreal Life, or the woman who played Nellie Olsen’s mom on Little House on the Prairie.
* * * * *(Oh, and by the way, we found a fabulous shower caddy. I also found this, which I did not buy, because while the fabric-covered buttons were very cute and Anthropologie-esque, I was BEYOND CONFUSED as to what the garment was supposed to be. I know it says "tunic," but c'mon. Let's talk brass tacks. Is it a dress? If so, isn't it a really short, Eighties-style dress? Or is it a shirt? If so, what do I wear it with? And all things aside, is it me, or is it hugely unflattering to even this rail-thin model, and thus the rest of us shouldn't even bother? I NEED ANSWERS.)