You think you’re hot shit, don’t you, Payless?
How else to explain the fact that you are attempting to charge $75 for FAUX SUEDE PIRATE BOOTS?
What gives, Payless? Have you been dating above your class, or something? Did you have a fling with a Louboutin and think that’s your world now? Because I have news for you, Payless: IT’S NOT.
I’ve always been your biggest proponent, Payless. Ever since that cold blustery day when I was on my way to work, and the rain was basically falling horizontally, and I, not wanting to ruin my pricey flats, stepped in out of the cold into your warm, pleather and vinyl-scented embrace. Yes, you were the only shoe store open at that time of the morning, but still. I gave you a chance. I bought a pair of cheap shoes that, to my surprise, were among my most-complimented heels. They wormed their way into my wardrobe rotation…AND MY HEART. Even when popular opinion branded you cheap, crappy and generally the footwear equivalent of Bad Idea Jeans, I championed your wares. Sure, one runs the risk of losing a heel in a sewer grate while wearing them, or perhaps tearing an ankle strap in public, but I found all of that to be part of the excitement! I never knew WHAT was going to happen, but if something DID go awry, I was only out $25, tops, and I had a story, to boot! (Heh. Boot.)
Which brings me to today, Payless. I’ll admit, you're not generally the first place I look for boots (or the last), for that matter, but I was online, and one click led to another. I was curious. After all, I reasoned, you’d just brought the most perfect pair of black t-strap heels into my life…
So perhaps you’d also have some cheap-ass booties for me? I’m admittedly not sold on The Whole Booties Thing, you see, and have a hard time envisioning myself wearing them without looking like an extra in Little House on the Prairie. Of course, I figured that you, Payless, would have the perfect pair for me to test-drive this latest trend without committing to it completely, by which I mean, “shelling out a ludicrous amount of cash, only to openly weep about the stupidity of the purchase in six month’s time, much like I did after the Great Jellies Resurgence of ‘95.”
I clicked through a few pages of boots, when one pair stopped me cold, and my jaw dropped. The boots were knee-high, faux suede, and would not look unbefitting on Captain Hook. It was not the appearance of the boots, however, that elicited such a reaction, but rather the price. Though they were presently on sale for $49.99, apparently, at some point in the recent past, they were SEVENTY FIVE DOLLARS.
Payless. PAYLESS. Come on now. You’re the cheap, plastic shoe place. NOTHING MORE. And yes, I’m aware that Pat Field of Sex and the City fame
slapped her name on designed these bad boys, but that does not make this okay. We all have aspirations, Payless. Hell, I’d love to be on any number of competitive dance shows. But I know in my heart (and my unlying, uncoordinated hips) that it is not to be. And likewise, Payless, you too should take a step back, just for a moment, and remember your roots: The roots of delightful bargain pleather footwear, and not freaky faux suede boots (described as “supple,” no less) costing nearly as much as a pair of flats from J. Crew.
Get it together, Payless.
With warm wishes for the holiday season,