Because I didn't seem weird ENOUGH.

I’ve been tagged by a few people on Facebook (Hi, Yvonne!) to compose a list of 25 random things about me. If I did such a list on Facebook, I'd need to carefully tailor it, since I don't think my elementary school teacher (YES, I'm friends with her on Facebook. NO, I don't know why I accepted the request) needs to know about my navel ring. Or my Ryan Seacrest Thing. (We'll get to that in a moment.) So, I'm doing it here. This was the perrrfect activity for jury duty, since I'm bored senseless, and thus unable to form cohesive, well-written paragraphs. Before I begin, though, I got some emails/DM’s via Twitter asking me about the significance of the phrase “The Rural Juror” in my last post. It’s a fictitious and hard-to-pronounce movie discussed on 30 Rock, and…well, just watch this:



Now, here’s my list:

1. I cannot listen to the song “Proud Mary” without singing along. And by “singing along,” I mean, "in my approximation of Tina Turner's voice, and maybe kind of also doing Ike’s part in the beginning, in my approximation of a baritone voice. Maybe.” It is for this reason that whenever it comes up on my iPod in public, I quickly skip over it so as not to involuntarily break into my Tina impression. And no, you cannot see a video of this. There are some lengths to which I will not go.

2. I do not make the “hand phone” correctly. You know how most people do this?

I do this:



My thumb is…an antenna? I have no idea.

3. I was pickpocketed a few years ago. As a result, every time I look into my bag, even now, THREE YEARS LATER, my first inclination is always to assume I’ve been robbed again. It's kind of insane. Further exacerbating this is the fact that I hide my wallet so well every time, and in a different spot, that it’s virtually impossible to find, even on the best of days.

4. I believe there is a special place in hell reserved for line cutters and people who check their Blackberries mid-conversation.

5. I will occasionally drink the water that comes from a can of corn. I KNOW IT’S SO GROSS HOLY SHIT I CAN’T BELIEVE I ADMITTED THAT.

6. I love Tina Fey as much as anyone, but even I have to admit that I’m reaching my oversaturation point.

7. There was a time when I thought Ryan Seacrest was hot. IT WAS LONG AGO, I SWEAR.

8. The Little Mermaid is my very favorite Disney movie. In what is rapidly becoming a recurring theme for me, I can't sing the song "Kiss the Girl" without doing so in a really awful Carribean accent.

9. I’ve always wanted to get a tattoo, but alas, they’re forbidden by Jewish law. Although, considering the fact that I got my navel pierced when I was 19, the odds are good that I TOTALLY would’ve jumped on board the lower back tramp stamp tattoo train, and regretted it. So, thanks for helping me dodge that bullet there, ancient rabbis!

10. Speaking of Jewish prohibitions, I have never had bacon. This makes me very said, because I’m all about meat, smoky flavors, and crispy, salty things in general, so, I’m CERTAIN that I’d love it.

11. And while we’re on the subject, I choose salty snacks over sweet every time. My husband is the polar opposite, eschewing chips, cheese balls and the like for sour, gummy, and chocolatey candies with an almost diabetic coma-inducing level of sweetness. These two factors conspire to enable us to have the greatest snack pantry of all time.

12. Speaking of which, I do not care for pretzels. Hard ones, that is. Soft, chewy ones? DROOL.

13. I’m a good cook, but seriously have the worst, sloppiest technical prep skills ever. I chop, cut and dice like a small child would. You know, if a small child were permitted to handle sharp-ass Henckels knives.

14. Ever since having children, I cannot read/watch even the simplest depiction of childbirth without shedding at least a few tears.

15. The proudest moment of my childhood was when a question I submitted to 3-2-1 Contact magazine was published on their “Good Science Questions” page. The question? “How do scratch and sniff stickers work?”

16. The largest scar I have on my body is on my right knee, and it resulted from riding a bike down a steep hill, realizing the brakes were not working, and crashing into a parked truck. ONE WEEK LATER, I stepped onto a moving treadmill and shot off it, bullet-like, into a wall, reopening the wound, and thus further ensuring that the scar would be large, and stay with me for life.

17. I was in the National Spelling Bee (as I’ve mentioned in the past), but the word “judgment” always looks wrong to me, and I have to remind myself that it’s not spelled “judgement.”

18. I harbor secret fantasies of becoming a makeup artist as a side career. Then I realize I’d likely have to deal with brides on their wedding days, and I remember why I haven’t pursued this avenue.

19. I am one of the five people in the world who is creeped out by Robin Williams. Particularly in movies where he's mentoring and/or helping people.

20. I’ve never smoked “real” cigarettes, but I went through a brief stage in college where I smoked clove cigarettes. I’m sorry, but Chandler is right—you do look really cool when you smoke. (Fortunately, logic prevailed, and this phase was over in about a month.)

21. I do not drink enough water. By which I mean, full days will go by and I’ll realize I’ve only had diet soda and coffee/tea. I’ve, uh, got to work on that.

22. I cannot fall asleep wearing socks.

23. When I say that I have a really adolescent sense of humor, I truly mean that. (Exhibit A: THE DONG BANG GRILL.)



24. I…do not get the appeal of Sudoku.

25. Just once, I’d like to ask someone who has a mullet exactly what made them decide to just go for it.