A poem about Rock of Love. No, really.

While I work on my Ask a Jew:Wedding Edition post (keep your questions coming!), please enjoy my poem about THE MOST DISTURBING SHOW IN THE HISTORY OF ANYTHING EVER. (Whenever I am simultaneously obsessed/horrified by a reality show, I tend to do this sort of thing):

I can’t recall where I first heard
About the wonder that is Rock of Love.
But I tell you this; I shan’t soon forget
This wonderful gift from above.

For who among us hasn’t rocked out
To “Every Rose Has Its Thorn”?
Bret Michaels would croon, the ladies would swoon
As the cowboy sang his “sad, sad song.”

But alas, Bret was lonely and the groupies grew…icky.
And were they still purty? NO.
So he filled up some buses with hooch and fake fur,
And a myriad of dirty hos.

Classy behavior took a leave of absence as the girls piled onto the buses.
Boob jobs abounded, as did minidresses and of course, extensions, galore.
There were many hot messes with talons and clear heels;
All of them bore the mark of the whore.

From among these skanks, Bret would choose only one;
A queen from among all the floozies.
If you ask me, I think he should simply choose
The "lady" who seems the least…oozy.

Because these girls look…well, how do I put it?
Their appearances give me bad dreams.
I fervently hope that our dear old Bret
Has received all required vaccines.

And speaking of Bret, what is up with his face?
Can you believe it once rocked a nation?
C’mon, even Axl knew when to say when
To guyliner and the foundation.

But back to the ladies (it’s why you’re all here).
Some of them seem to be…well, simple.
Like the girl who called herself an “animal traineress”
Or the one who seems to have PIERCED DIMPLES.

Cliques quickly formed (as they often do);
The “blondtourage” and the brunettes:
Ex-porn stars, Class-A Morons,
And a former Penthouse Pet.

I truly couldn’t believe it, though,
When a girl got totally wasted;
Puked Doritos and then kissed Brett, who said:
“It’s the best Dorito [he’d] tasted.”

I’M NOT KIDDING HERE, PEOPLE.
This really happened as I say it did.
A lady may have also served shots from her nethers;
But my memory’s mercifully faded.

I felt like I needed to shower after watching;
This show is really pretty bleak.
But then, I’d be lying if I tried to tell you
I wasn’t going to watch it next week.