I am so grateful to you for your sweet responses to my last post. While the post meant a great deal to me, I--well, I’m usually not one for the serious posts. I love READING other people's, but I always get incredibly nervous writing them myself, like you're going to start pelting me with tomatoes, or--in the internet corollary--inundating me with spam (touting ways in which I can turn my “man hose” into a “truue luv bone” or places I can buy my very own PhD, obviously) for attempting to write anything of substance. Which is clearly not the case, and I truly appreciate your kind words.
So, thank you, seriously, for reading.
* * * * * * * *
Lo is thisclose to crawling. Up on all fours, rocking back and forth, moving her hands around, and then…plopping onto her stomach, frustratedly shrieking in a pitch that is eerily similar to that of an overexcited ANTM contestant. It was annoying me, honestly, because: (a) the shrieking, MY GOD THE SHRIEKING; and (b) she totally COULD crawl, but was being stubborn.
As a result, I inducted her into the Bela Karolyi School of Crawling earlier this evening. And if you don’t know who he is, then you have obviously never seen the made-for-T.V.movie Nadia, which is all about the fascinating life and turbulent times of former Olympic champion gymnast Nadia Comaneci, and then I just feel sorry for you. Anyway, I can’t go into all of my teachings, but they include (though are not limited to): a Hansel & Gretel-esque trail of fruit puffs, the gentle coaxing of chubby baby legs into Proper Crawl Formation, and the loving…nudging of said chubby baby legs along in the direction of the fruit puffs, all the while offering words of encouragement in a quasi-Romanian accent. I have to say, it worked. Kind of. I mean, at the end of our session, she was inching each leg forward ONCE, all on her own, and then…plopping back onto her stomach. But still--progress! We’ll try again tomorrow, though I’ve instructed J to stop me if I start wearing track suits and growing a hypnotically luxurious mustache.
In other news, my secret Twitter boyfriend Michael Ian Black (who DOESN’T love his commentary on I Love the '70s/'80s/'90s/New Millennium/SuperDistantFutureEra?) recently wrote about his anti-“bucket list”--called his F*ck It List--wherein he lists all the things he doesn’t care about doing before he dies. To which I say, awesome. And also, that I’m following suit. In no particular order:
Metalia’s F*ck It List
1. Understand NASCAR – I sort of suspect that it really IS just racing around an oval track very fast. If I’m right, the fact that it’s considered a sport AND that people attend it would just make me sad. And so, I prefer the mystery of NOT knowing.
2. Learn to appreciate scotch – I’ve tried, and honestly, it makes me feel like I’ve swallowed an open flame. I love vodka. I love wine. I even like a little tequila every now and then. So I think I can live the rest of my days in blissful oblivion to the “oaky” "smoky" and “velvety smooth” taste of scotch. Huuuurrrrl.
3. Pump gas – Okay, so I know this is a weird thing, but I’ve actually never pumped gas in my life. I grew up in New Jersey, which is one of the few states (what up, Oregon?) in which it’s illegal to pump your own gas. I now live in New York, where gas is significantly more expensive than in New Jersey, and so, we never fill up here, opting instead to fill up when we visit my family in Jersey. See where I’m going with this? We will likely live in New Jersey one day, and so, yeah. I will probably never pump gas. It looks kind of intimidating, and yes, I know I sound completely moronic right now, but I’m SORRY, HASN’T ANYONE SEEN ZOOLANDER? THAT GAS FIGHT-EXPLOSION COULD TOTALLY REALLY HAPPEN LIKE FOR REAL.
4. Own a pet - I grew up with two cats and a dog, and I am DONE, people. I have had my sweaters peed on, and my shoes filled with cat barf. I have experienced the excitement of a clinically depressed dog on Prozac, and fancy dresses used as clawing posts. I have paid my dues. I know my kids will eventually beg me for a puppy, and I’ll admit that they’re adorable, but no. NO. I will remain firm. (heh)
5. Swim in the ocean – I know people are all about the serenity and rejuvenating properties of an ocean swim, but it petrifies me. Worst case, you get eaten by a shark, or dragged off in the undertow. Best case? You smell like a fish market, and have sand in your bum. Again, that's BEST CASE. Not gonna cut it, OCEAN.
6. Go to a U2 Concert – I like some of their music, but I don’t want to give Bono the satisfaction. I know he does a lot of good things, but he strikes me as a sanctimonious, smug jerk, and damned if I'm going to pay for another pair of his hideous sunglasses.
7. Skydiving, bungee jumping, paragliding – No.
8. Write the next great American novel – I think a big part of accomplishing your goals in life is knowing your limitations.
9. Have anyone serenade me with a guitar (ever again) - Ladies! IT’S JUST NOT WORTH IT.
10. Go camping (ever again) – Remind me to tell you all one day about the camping trip that will live in infamy, involving a broken-down car, an itinerant child we nicknamed Smelly Ralph, and a DAMN BEAR. Never again!
What about you? (Let me know if you do this; I’d love to read yours!)
UPDATE: I must address the question a lot of people seem to be asking, re: vacationing in a place where we would have to pump our own gas. I should point out that J grew up in NY, and is therefore well-versed in the fine art of pumping his own gas. As such, I always beg him do it whenever we're in a state where such activity is sanctioned by the law. He obliges, but makes me promise to pay attention so I can learn how to do it myself, and I agree, but then COMPLETELY INVOLUNTARILY start spacing out and thinking about really important things, such as red velvet cupcakes, and how I would like to be eating one right that very second, and also, the awe-inspiring Tom Cruise movie, Legend, which includes not only a pre-Scientology, early-'80s Tom playing a forest elf man who must stop Tim Curry/the devil from slaying a magical unicorn, for if he fails, Darkness will fall upon the land and PLEASE TELL ME I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS SEEN THIS MOVIE.
As a result, I still do not know how to pump gas.
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47 comments:
I never had to pump my own gas until I moved to Seattle. Where I grew up, on Saipan, they had people there to pump it for you. So the first I did it in the big bad city, I had no freaking clue what to do. I'm surprised that I didn't have some kind of Zoolander gas pump fire disaster.
Ha! See? I totally wasn't kidding about that. If I ever have to pump my own gas, I will undoubtedly fear a Zoolander-type fireball disaster of my own. :)
I would be friends with you for No. 6 alone. Fucking Bono. What a humanitarian dick. (Seriously. If you can be that big of a do gooder and still be totally hateable? YOU'RE AN ASS.)
Oooh, I'll have to do this next time I'm in need of a topic! I'm with you on NASCAR and Scotch; Scott would agree with you on Bono.
Unfortunately, all that other skydiving, paragliding, diving, etc. shit, I've done!
Interesting about the gas-pumping law, though; I've never heard of that!
First up, WHY ON EARTH are you actually ENCOURAGING crawling. The best days of my life were the days my children used to STAY WHERE I PUT THEM.
My fuck it list?
-Reading the classics. Anything that requires a dictionary is OUT. I might be writing a book myself, but I'll be damned if I want to read anything HARD. If there is a shorter word for that? USE IT, smart ass.
- Vacationing with my children. Pretty much an oxymoron right there if ever I've heard one. By virtue of bringing my CHILDREN, it's no longer a vacation.
- Getting any more edumacated than I already am. Law Degree? PhD? MBA? TOTALLY OVERRATED.
I cannot swear on my blog (DAMMIT), so I will address your points.
1. Understand NASCAR – I don't get it either. I also don't understand Football, but Whoorl still loves me. Will you?
2. Learn to appreciate scotch – I had to attend a Scotch "seminar" at a restaurant I worked at. I only did the sniff test and then passed it to others.
3. Pump gas – Uh, I've been pumping (gas) since I was 16.
4. Own a pet - I caved. Sir Puppy will be here in six weeks. *le sigh*
5. Swim in the ocean – The ocean is COLD, unless you are in Mexico. I am a Lake Swimmer.
6. Go to a U2 Concert – I was in the front row on the Lemon tour (Yes, really) and while I like U2, I have no desire to see them again.
7. Skydiving, bungee jumping, paragliding – Um. I like this thing called LIVING. And also, not barfing.
8. Write the next great American novel – I'm Canadian, eh?
9. Have anyone serenade me with a guitar - Matthew has started practicing again. *Swoon*
10. Go camping - Grew up camping. I will now only go if there is a cabin, running water and Internet. Does that count?
Oh this was awesome. I WILL be doing this.
Nascar, bleck. I watched it with my favorite aunt once as a bonding thing and I honestly wanted to put something in my eye by the second hour. It was awful.
Slynnro -SERIOUSLY, MAN.
Camels & Chocolate - WHy am I not surprised that you've done all the scary-ass daredevil stuff? :)
Mandajuice - HA. SO true, all of it. I was an English Literature major in college. I hated Dickens then, and have avoided him since. Life's too short to read boring shit/stuff you loathe.
Angella -OBVIOUSLY I still love you! And I've seen a "sanitized" version of this list, called the "Chuck It List," instead of the real name, in case you do feel like giving it a shot. And I guess I wouldn't mind being serenaded with a guitar by J. It was the
other dude that scarred me for life. :)
Lost in Splendor - Second hour? SECOND HOUR? My hat is off to you, my dear, for lasting that long!
Let me know if you ever figure out the whole Nascar thing. One of Charlie's little buddies is so obsessed right now he's forcing his parents to watch it on weekends. I'd rather watch paint dry.
I used to want to try skydiving, bungee jumping and so on, now that I have a family: NO WAY!
Things on my list include: riding a bicycle on an actual street with cars, snorkeling, drinking gin and ironing.
I'm right there with you on the ocean thing. Even pondering a cruise some day kinda freaks me out.
As for the camping story. I am way curious. I don't mind camping as much these days... no make up was my biggest hang up and now I don't care that I'm ugly.
Number five, all the way.
Aaaaand, I'm starting SCUBA certification on Thursday at the request/insistence of The Boy.
This will note bode well for never swimming in the ocean. Or for never being eaten by a shark.
xox
NASCAR as number 1 makes me love you even more than the corn juice thing.
It IS a sport and people pay big bucks to go and watch (or order their favorite driver's channel like MY HUSBAND) the cars go AROUND IN A CIRCLE for like 4 - 6 hours or something fucking crazy like that.
Ack.
Double ack.
I am so with you on the U2 concert (I do NOT feel the Bono love) and the swimming in the ocean thing. The ocean is fun to look at, love to sit on the beach and listen to it but dude have you seen the creatures that can literally eat your skin off - no way hosers - not goin in there, I'll stick to the clean chemical pool thank you.
This is wonderful! I have been avoiding the original bucket list because really there's not a whole lot I feel driven to do. But this is a list I can get behind! 1, 2, 6 & 7 will being showing up in some form on my list!
Freshman year I had to teach 3 different people how to pump gas into their cars. Y'all are crazy :)
I agree with you on almost all of the list. Especially owning pets. I just don't want a pet. My husband wants a dog though. Ugh. I think I will win on this point though because my husband would never take care of it.
What if you go on vacation and rent a car? You might have to pump gas!
I'm with you on the U2 concert. I think Bono might possibly think he's a little more important than he is, advising elected officals as though he specifically speaks for the world.
Camping, though? I love camping!
i love this list! i fully agree on 9 out of your 10 points. i can't decide if the most offensive is nascar or camping, both are equally torturous.
ps. i skydived, once. i even paid the astronomical sum of $85 to have some tool jump with me and record my whole jump on dvd. needless to say i buried that thing deep in the abyss of my closet so quick to hide all evidence of my near death experience.
I enjoy NEVER having to get out of my car when I get gas. It rains a lot here! This, along with the tax free shopping, are my favorite things about my lovely state. Also, our wine does not suck.
totally doing this tomorrow
(also am totally in love with michael ian black)
and, of course, the nascar, the swim in the ocean, the u2 concert, the camping, the entire #7...i am WITH YOU, WOMAN!
i DO, however, appreciate a good scotch.
also... OF COURSE I HAVE SEEN NADIA.
of course i have.
Word up from Oregon!
We also don't know why anyone would want to *gasp* pump their OWN gas. Why WOULDN'T you want to stay in the warmth/safety of your own car and have someone who is paid to do it for you???
Number six! Number six! [Stands up and applauds.] I could not have said it better myself.
What if you rent a car while on vacation in another state and need gas? If this ever happens, I think you should pull up to the pump and then sit there honking your horn until someone offers help. My grandmother used to make my grandfather fill her gas tank and when he became bed ridden that's what she did. It worked for her, although I'm sure the employees at her local Shell loathed her.
Oh my god, so with you on number six. I cannot stand Bono; anyone who wears tinted shades INSIDE should be shot.
I wish it was illegal to pump your own petrol here in the UK. There are a few lone petrol stations, mostly in the countryside, where old man in John Deere baseball caps will shuffle forward and do it for you, but mostly it's all pay-at-pump, be-as quick-as-you-can-before-the-Ford Focus-behind-you-runs-you-down-for taking-too-long.
1. Understand NASCAR – I rarely have the time to ever watch a race any more - but I used to follow F1 as a casual fan. I found I had to watch from the very start of a broadcast or I was SO not interested. That allows you to learn the racers involved, any back-stories etc. Not an easy thing to do with kids around...
5. Swim in the ocean – Ali and I are all about the pool.
9. Have anyone serenade me with a guitar - Pretty much how I met my wife...
10. Go camping – Long story short - first trip Ali ever took to Toronto I took her on a hike to see the leaves changing colour. Reaction: "That was nice... but we are never doing that again."
Love this list idea! Reminds me of the song "Never is Enough" by the Barenaked Ladies...
Totally laughing about the U2 one. Yes.
Also, I love how you are addressing the ocean personally. Hee!
So many things to comment on.
1) I have never seen the Nadia movie, yet love Bela. Especially his commentary this last Olympics about the horrible judges.
2) I'm with you on the scotch thing. My ex boyfriend LOVED it and I couldn't understand why. No thanks.
3) Were you in the car with me the other day when I was talking about U2 and this whole concert business? Because I think I said out loud to myself how I like U2, I have some CDs, but I don't need to ever go to a concert. Especially paying a ton to do so.
OK, we part ways on the camping thing, but I am totally with you on U2 and Nascar. And I understand the initial uncertainty of pumping gas, but I promise you, it is not hard! (My mom neglected to teach me that when she taught me to drive, so the first time I tried to fill up at a gas station, I had to ask the man at the next pump what to do. Luckily, the man was the dad of a guy in my class who had known me since I was five. He knew I had just gotten my license, so the embarrassment was minimal.)
Also, if you're offering Lo food as incentives, you are way nicer than Bela Karolyi. Didn't Nadia get reamed by him for having a milkshake or something?
i don't want a pet of any kind, children are animal-like and are enough for me.
This is awesome idea and I am totally doing it tomorrow! The pumping gas one IS weird. I had never heard of those laws until I took a business trip to Oregon. The lady came running out of the gas station to pump it for me, and I stood there looking at her like she was nuts. The Zoolander fight is hysterical and really far-fetched.
I don't get NASCAR either. In fact, I'm shocked the EPA hasn't led some huge campaign to have it banned. You know, with all the hundred of gallons of gas, tires, and other resources wasted driving in circles.
Never had scotch, not much of a drinker.
Pumping gas is a pain, but less so than, say, doing the dishes. The worst part is the potential for drippage landing on your clothing, which is more stinky than dangerous.
I love dogs, but I am working on convincing my husband that we are better off petless. We have a child now. Do we really need the extra being to care for?
I love the ocean as much as dogs, but only to see, hear, and smell. Swimming there is overrated.
Bono... Word.
Daredevil stuff... WORD.
I actually like camping to the point I miss it. It's very peaceful for me.
Theo didn't crawl until he was 11.5 months old and hoo boy did we do a happy dance. Now? Well, now I don't know where he is so I'll have to get back to you on that.
I hate the ocean. There I said it! I can't see what's underneath me (looming jaws of death most likely) and just no. NO NO NO. Too freaky. Plus I hate getting sand everywhere. The pool is it for me thankyouverymuch.
And NASCAR? I will never understand as well. Nor do I want to.
I'm sorry, but I'll have to correct you. The broken down car story and the smelly Ralph incident were two different trips.
Oh my god, you're right! I melded the two camping trips together! Well, they both sucked. Also, hi, I nearly got eaten by a bear on the Smelly Ralph trip, in the tent where SMELLY RALPH PLOPPED HIS SMELLY ASS, no less. Bleh.
1) Pumping gas is no big deal. It is easy (don't be scared) and boring (don't go out of your way).
2) Swimming in the ocean shouldn't be missed. Seriously, it is one of the best parts of life. Just go where it is warm to do so. I've been swimming off of Cape Cod and I can't believe I was able to procreate afterward. (Even though it was 19 years later)
"...I’ve instructed J to stop me if I start wearing track suits and growing a hypnotically luxurious mustache."
bwahahahahahaha!!!!
I'm doing this today!
Off the gas pump for a minute and back to the crawling lessons - it's entirely possible that Lo's arms aren't strong enough yet for the movement. To crawl, she'll need to be able to hold her weight on one arm and one leg while the others move forward. Give her time; or give her free weights.
I remember visiting a boyfriend in Massachusetts and sitting at a gas pump for about 45 minutes waiting for someone to come help me(and it was pouring). When people make fun of NJ (where I grew up too) and I just throw the whole gas thing back in their face. I had to learn to pump gas eventually do to relocation, but I held out until I was in my 20s!
Then I moved to Texas where I had to pump my own gas and be introduced to NASCAR freaks.
And Bono sucks. The blue shade of his sunglasses went out of style years ago. And the hat?
But I like scotch - just not, too much.
Delurking to tell you i love this post and totally understand the not pumping your own gas thing. I am born and raised in NJ. I once had an embarrassing experience trying to pump my own gas then try to figure out where to pay for it at somewhat closed gas station in Coney Island. It was the weirdest thing ever and i will never pump my own gas again if i can help it!
Hmmmm...well, I pump my own gas, I love to take the kids camping and we're pretty seriously considering getting a second dog, but I'm totally with you on all that stuff with a lot of air between me and the ground.
I went paraplaning one time (literally a go-cart with a big fan behind it, which fills up a parachute and you fly...hundreds of feet in the air...by yourself). I thought I would die from the terror of it.
Tops on my F*ck It List: walking into a hotel room strewn with rose petals and accessorized by a plate of chocolate-covered strawberries and a bottle of champage chilling on ice. That's one trite, unimaginative gesture that I can do without.
Hahahaha. This is an excellent list, my friend. I might have to make one of my very own.
Smelly ralph! noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
hi im delurking to say oh my god we could be bff's. i don't have to make my own list, i'll copy/paste yours!
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