Really, when are school pictures NOT unintentionally hilarious?

As you may have seen from my incessant whining on Twitter, I'm a bit under the weather. I have strep, as it turns out, a precious gift from my son, who was similarly afflicted earlier this week. It's like that old saying goes: "Toddlers will lick your face and breathe all over you, and slobber on your coffee mug with the irate goldfish on it, and then you get strep from them." Well, it's not an OFFICIAL saying, so much as it is something I just said right now. In my mind. But that sort of counts, I think.

I left work early on Monday, and I totally looked like one of the Three Scary People on the Subway to Avoid that they warn tourists about, seeing as I was a shivery, shuddery, feverish mess. (Do not flee, gentle tourists! I am not (1) a homeless panhandler, (2) a young punk raising money for basketball uniforms by selling Skittles, or (3) part of a poverty-stricken but talented breakdancing crew! I may look crazy and disheveled, but I do not want your money! I am simply sick!) I continued on my way home, and unfortunately, for me, the Asshole Shuttle Driver was on duty at the train station when I arrived back in my town. He inadvertently skipped my stop, and refused to let me exit the shuttle before the next "official" stop (four long blocks away), despite his error.

"You asshole,"I told him. "You missed the stop, there is ONE person left on this shuttle besides me, and it's two in the afternoon. I guarangoddamntee you you're not screwing up any schedules. Also, you can clearly see that I'm pretty sick, and I will SUE YOUR SURLY ASS if I get pneumonia on top of whatever fresh hell of an illness I already have. Oh, and I have read the ads on the subway, my friend! There are a great many attorneys listed there who would be GLAD to handle my case! A great many! ASSHOLE." Unfortunately, this all came out as "thanks for the ride!" Because I am nothing if not a nonconfrontational chicken. But concocting elaborate "jerk store called, they're running outta YOU"-type revenge fantasies sure is fun, innit?

I finally, finally made my way home in the HORIZONTALLY POURING RAIN FOR FOUR BLOCKS, MY GOD, YOU ASSHOLE SHUTTLE DRIVER (obviously, I was sans umbrella or hooded coat) wanly greeted the kids, and crawled into bed, where I remained, whimpering until basically the next morning. J was the best, bringing me medicine and taking care of the kids while I...fell asleep for the night at 8:30. This is HIGHLY unlike me. Yesterday, I woke up, still shivering and feverish and now unable to swallow without wincing in pain. I went to the doctor where it was confirmed that I have strep throat. Which, really. I haven't had that since I was, like, 10. All the same, it was good, in a sense, to have an Actual Medically-Fixable Ailment, as opposed to some vague untreatable viral shit. It seems the antibiotics I'm on are working pretty well, despite the admonitions on the bottle that they "may cause nausea, fainting, lightheadedness & interactions with the efficacy of birth control pills."Although if, in the next few days, you see me, and I vomit on you, pass out, and then become spontaneously pregnant, you'll at least know why, and won't run away, screaming for an old priest and a young priest.

Today is the first day since Monday where the thoughts of actually sitting up to reach my tea or push a button on the remote don't seem like hugely ambitious undertakings. I am also finally regaining my appetite. My diet, since Monday, has looked like this:

Monday

Tea
Tea
Tea
Half slice of toast
Tea

Tuesday

Tea
Tea
Snapple ice pops (so very good)
More damn tea

Today, I ventured into the brave new world of chicken soup with matzoh balls and these crack-like things, which I am eating nonstop (Blood Orange Cocktail is my favorite, FYI).

(And of course, still sucking down the tea and ice pops.) I fully expect to rejoin the world of People Who Don't Sit in Their Beds All Day Dozing Off, Shivering, and Watching Tyra-Centric Programming tomorrow.

In other news, T got his school pictures back today. The class picture is an unmitigated mess of FAIL, but really, what can you expect from a bunch of 2 and 3-year-olds? I was pleasantly surprised, however, to find that his individual shot came out beautifully.

And...then I looked underneath it.

Oh my GOD. I'm sorry, but I find the juxtaposition of these two pictures to be HILARIOUS.

"Heyyyyy, little buddy! Guess who's getting a puppy?"

"Duuuuude. Someone shot your puppy."

"Who's ready for ICE CREAM SUNDAAAAAAES?!?!?!"

"The ice cream melted. Plus, we're, uh, out of sprinkles and whipped cream. And caramel topping."

"Tap the keggggg!"

"Keg is tapped." (Thanks for that one, Heather.)

I have a new pet frog! I caught him in a jar and named him Hopsy!"

"I forgot to poke holes in the lid."

"You've been selected first in the NFL draft! You're gonna play for a real team!"

"It's the Detroit Lions."

Yeah, I um, can't stop. I just keep pulling out both pictures and cackling like a loon. And thinking of more potential caption scenarios. Obviously. (Feel free to play along.)