Exactly one week from tonight, I’ll be frantically running around packing for not only myself, but both kids as we plan to depart for my sweet cousin’s wedding in Chicago. Where will J be, you ask? Oh, FUNNY STORY. He happens to have a business trip in Vegas for which he leaves early next week, and while he will be meeting us in Chicago, I AM THE SOLE PARENT RESPONSIBLE FOR PACKING, TRANSPORTING, AND TRAVELING TO THE AIRPORT WITH TWO KIDS. My mom is flying with me, BUT STILL. A likely story, J. Vegas, my ass. He’s totally visiting his secret other family in Monaco so as to avoid flying with me and the kids. I’M ON TO YOU, MISTER.
Anyway, I’m ordinarily a champion listmaker, but somehow, the task of packing for five (5) days for three (3) people is too vast, and that, coupled with my crippling fear of flying, has reduced my packing list to nothing. Well, not nothing, as the piece of paper once hopefully labeled “Packing List for Chicago” did contain a vague “gold sandals and white dress with black stripes,” and “kids’ vitamins,” (I will be looking foxy as I provide my children with essential minerals in Chicago!), but then quickly devolved into a five-item grocery list which included cheese twice, and a few stanzas to yet another song I’m working on called “All the Twitter Ladies” (sample lyric: “All the Twitter ladies! All the Twitter ladies…If you liked my tweet you shoulda put a star by it...”). And then once I started working on that, I got to thinking about what songs I'd want to sing at the karaoke portion of my cousin’s bachelorette party. Now that I have the Flip, the world must finally see me perform “Don’t Stop Believin,” but I was wondering if maybe I should mix it up a bit with some Kelly Clarkson, and OH MY GOD I started this list TWO WEEKS AGO, and this is all I have to show for it. (Well, this, and two types of cheese.)
Plus, if I’m being truly honest, I’d tell you that all the talk of songs on my main packing list necessitated the creation of a secondary packing-list-that-isn’t-really called “Questions I Have About The Song ‘Me and Julio Down By The Schoolyard’,” (inspired by this) which I’ve already shared with Bearca, my partner in song-dissecting crime:
1. If the Mama Pajama was really so upset that she had to go directly to the police station, how could she even have slept?
2. I mean, the song says she “rolled out of bed,” right?
3. How did Papa know about the alleged offense if Mama Pajama was already gone?
4. I mean, again, if what Mama saw was against the law, I’d think she’d have gone to the station house right when she saw it, instead of, oh, I don't know, sleeping, amirite? LAZY ASS.
5. What did the boy do? I’m quite worried.
6. Don’t people think it’s weird when Mama spits every time his name gets mentioned?
7. What if she’s indoors?
8. Does she carry a small spittoon for this express purpose?
9. Is Rosie the Queen of Corona of any relation to Abe Frohman, the Sausage King of Chicago?
10. Oh, and now Julio is all up in the mix. How’d he get involved?
11. Wait, wait. I thought that the boy was on his way already, but didn’t know where he was going. NOW he's saying they’re taking him away? CHRONOLOGY FAIL.
12. So when you hear the radical priest is the one who’s coming to get a boy released from prison, you’re going to have some concerns, right? It’s not just me?
13. No, seriously. What did the boy do?
14. Is Rosie really Julio? Is that what this is all about?
15. Should I just go with that, and assume that “down by the schoolyard" is some kind of euphemism?
16. I’m going to say yes.
Of course, that begat this:
Some Long-Unanswered Questions Upon Hearing "Wind Beneath My Wings"
1. You know what makes the singer, aka, My Wings, the biggest douchebag? SHE’S WRITING A SONG ABOUT HER OWN FAME AND GLORY.
2. I mean, yeah, ostensibly it’s about the “Wind,” aka, her underling, but it’s a thinly-veiled puff piece about her own awesomeness, if you think about it.
3. Like, how do YOU know, My Wings, that Wind was pained because you were famous?
4. You just assumed, I guess. Big surprise there.
5. Well, not everyone wants to be famous, you pompous witch.
6. Did you ever stop and think that maybe Wind was cool with letting you do all the hard work, and just taking a cut of your money?
7. Also, you know what flies higher than eagles?
9. So basically, you’re saying that Wind didn’t even do all that much for you.
10. It’d be like me writing a song about how my long-suffering best friend imbued me the power to…go as fast as one of those mechanical scooters fr the elderly and infirm.
11. “The Batteries in my Rascal,” my song would be called.
12. Yeah, not so magnanimous now, are you, My Wings?
13. Oh, you’ve got it all there in your HEART, do you?
14. Well that does everyone a lot of good. No, no, really. Don’t you worry about actually thanking Wind.
15. Oh, seriously? SERIOUSLY? You’re thanking God now? Really? Are we at the Grammys? When does your new album drop?
16. How about thanking Wind? Again, just a thought, jerkface.
And basically, now I go through my days secretly thinking of new songs to analyze. Or diagram in a Venn-like fashion. It’s a compulsion. Whatever, the point is, something I’m NOT doing is packing, or making any real preparations to pack. I finally attempted to get myself in gear today by figuring out how the hell I was going to transport the children to, in and around Chicago, and here’s the part where I explain how Twitter is amazing. I had been unsuccessfully attempting to Google the name of some sort of portable wheeling car seat that (I've heard) is ideal for plane/ground transportation, and after about 45 fruitless minutes, I posed my question on Twitter. Not only did I get the answer in under a minute from a bunch of people (it’s a Sit n’ Stroll, FYI), but the lovely and generous Velma offered to send me her old one. A few emails later, and it’s on its way to me. So, as you can imagine, inspired by the kindness of virtual friends, I spent a few minutes today adding “ACQUIRE TRAVEL CAR SEAT WITH THE WHEELS” to my original packing list with a flourish, for the sole purpose of crossing it off.
PEOPLE. I HAVE A PROBLEM. In order to help me get my ass in gear, can you suggest things I might need or want to do in order to make this trip a smooth one? It's the first flight for both of the kids, so I'm extra frazzled, and full of questions. For instance, how do I efficiently get through security without people giving me murderous stares, but still remembering to take all key items with me off the conveyor belt? Such as my shoes? What do I take for the plane in order to entertain not one but two children, ages (almost) 1 and (almost) 3? I have a Leapster for T, and candy will figure prominently in my plot to stave off The Whining, but what the hell do I do about the baby? She can’t be bribed with candy, and is a squirmy worm to begin with. Do I bring her car seat on the plane? No, right? But what about for T? And-- oh man, he’s recently toilet-trained. What if he tells me he needs to pee during takeoff? OR WORSE? And what do I do if they misbehave and the fellow passengers start in with the feared murderous stares? OH MY GOD I am actually in a shivery cold sweat just typing this.
Help me. Please.