Exactly one week from tonight, I’ll be frantically running around packing for not only myself, but both kids as we plan to depart for my sweet cousin’s wedding in Chicago. Where will J be, you ask? Oh, FUNNY STORY. He happens to have a business trip in Vegas for which he leaves early next week, and while he will be meeting us in Chicago, I AM THE SOLE PARENT RESPONSIBLE FOR PACKING, TRANSPORTING, AND TRAVELING TO THE AIRPORT WITH TWO KIDS. My mom is flying with me, BUT STILL. A likely story, J. Vegas, my ass. He’s totally visiting his secret other family in Monaco so as to avoid flying with me and the kids. I’M ON TO YOU, MISTER.
Anyway, I’m ordinarily a champion listmaker, but somehow, the task of packing for five (5) days for three (3) people is too vast, and that, coupled with my crippling fear of flying, has reduced my packing list to nothing. Well, not nothing, as the piece of paper once hopefully labeled “Packing List for Chicago” did contain a vague “gold sandals and white dress with black stripes,” and “kids’ vitamins,” (I will be looking foxy as I provide my children with essential minerals in Chicago!), but then quickly devolved into a five-item grocery list which included cheese twice, and a few stanzas to yet another song I’m working on called “All the Twitter Ladies” (sample lyric: “All the Twitter ladies! All the Twitter ladies…If you liked my tweet you shoulda put a star by it...”). And then once I started working on that, I got to thinking about what songs I'd want to sing at the karaoke portion of my cousin’s bachelorette party. Now that I have the Flip, the world must finally see me perform “Don’t Stop Believin,” but I was wondering if maybe I should mix it up a bit with some Kelly Clarkson, and OH MY GOD I started this list TWO WEEKS AGO, and this is all I have to show for it. (Well, this, and two types of cheese.)
Plus, if I’m being truly honest, I’d tell you that all the talk of songs on my main packing list necessitated the creation of a secondary packing-list-that-isn’t-really called “Questions I Have About The Song ‘Me and Julio Down By The Schoolyard’,” (inspired by this) which I’ve already shared with Bearca, my partner in song-dissecting crime:
1. If the Mama Pajama was really so upset that she had to go directly to the police station, how could she even have slept?
2. I mean, the song says she “rolled out of bed,” right?
3. How did Papa know about the alleged offense if Mama Pajama was already gone?
4. I mean, again, if what Mama saw was against the law, I’d think she’d have gone to the station house right when she saw it, instead of, oh, I don't know, sleeping, amirite? LAZY ASS.
5. What did the boy do? I’m quite worried.
6. Don’t people think it’s weird when Mama spits every time his name gets mentioned?
7. What if she’s indoors?
8. Does she carry a small spittoon for this express purpose?
9. Is Rosie the Queen of Corona of any relation to Abe Frohman, the Sausage King of Chicago?
10. Oh, and now Julio is all up in the mix. How’d he get involved?
11. Wait, wait. I thought that the boy was on his way already, but didn’t know where he was going. NOW he's saying they’re taking him away? CHRONOLOGY FAIL.
12. So when you hear the radical priest is the one who’s coming to get a boy released from prison, you’re going to have some concerns, right? It’s not just me?
13. No, seriously. What did the boy do?
14. Is Rosie really Julio? Is that what this is all about?
15. Should I just go with that, and assume that “down by the schoolyard" is some kind of euphemism?
16. I’m going to say yes.
Of course, that begat this:
Some Long-Unanswered Questions Upon Hearing "Wind Beneath My Wings"
1. You know what makes the singer, aka, My Wings, the biggest douchebag? SHE’S WRITING A SONG ABOUT HER OWN FAME AND GLORY.
2. I mean, yeah, ostensibly it’s about the “Wind,” aka, her underling, but it’s a thinly-veiled puff piece about her own awesomeness, if you think about it.
3. Like, how do YOU know, My Wings, that Wind was pained because you were famous?
4. You just assumed, I guess. Big surprise there.
5. Well, not everyone wants to be famous, you pompous witch.
6. Did you ever stop and think that maybe Wind was cool with letting you do all the hard work, and just taking a cut of your money?
7. Also, you know what flies higher than eagles?
8. AIRPLANES.
9. So basically, you’re saying that Wind didn’t even do all that much for you.
10. It’d be like me writing a song about how my long-suffering best friend imbued me the power to…go as fast as one of those mechanical scooters fr the elderly and infirm.
11. “The Batteries in my Rascal,” my song would be called.
12. Yeah, not so magnanimous now, are you, My Wings?
13. Oh, you’ve got it all there in your HEART, do you?
14. Well that does everyone a lot of good. No, no, really. Don’t you worry about actually thanking Wind.
15. Oh, seriously? SERIOUSLY? You’re thanking God now? Really? Are we at the Grammys? When does your new album drop?
16. How about thanking Wind? Again, just a thought, jerkface.
And basically, now I go through my days secretly thinking of new songs to analyze. Or diagram in a Venn-like fashion. It’s a compulsion. Whatever, the point is, something I’m NOT doing is packing, or making any real preparations to pack. I finally attempted to get myself in gear today by figuring out how the hell I was going to transport the children to, in and around Chicago, and here’s the part where I explain how Twitter is amazing. I had been unsuccessfully attempting to Google the name of some sort of portable wheeling car seat that (I've heard) is ideal for plane/ground transportation, and after about 45 fruitless minutes, I posed my question on Twitter. Not only did I get the answer in under a minute from a bunch of people (it’s a Sit n’ Stroll, FYI), but the lovely and generous Velma offered to send me her old one. A few emails later, and it’s on its way to me. So, as you can imagine, inspired by the kindness of virtual friends, I spent a few minutes today adding “ACQUIRE TRAVEL CAR SEAT WITH THE WHEELS” to my original packing list with a flourish, for the sole purpose of crossing it off.
PEOPLE. I HAVE A PROBLEM. In order to help me get my ass in gear, can you suggest things I might need or want to do in order to make this trip a smooth one? It's the first flight for both of the kids, so I'm extra frazzled, and full of questions. For instance, how do I efficiently get through security without people giving me murderous stares, but still remembering to take all key items with me off the conveyor belt? Such as my shoes? What do I take for the plane in order to entertain not one but two children, ages (almost) 1 and (almost) 3? I have a Leapster for T, and candy will figure prominently in my plot to stave off The Whining, but what the hell do I do about the baby? She can’t be bribed with candy, and is a squirmy worm to begin with. Do I bring her car seat on the plane? No, right? But what about for T? And-- oh man, he’s recently toilet-trained. What if he tells me he needs to pee during takeoff? OR WORSE? And what do I do if they misbehave and the fellow passengers start in with the feared murderous stares? OH MY GOD I am actually in a shivery cold sweat just typing this.
Help me. Please.
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30 comments:
Oh MAN do I love to dissect songs! Brilliant! And I sure don't know the answer to the flying questions but I will be checking back, oh, every 5 minutes or so to read the comments because I'm taking my two kids (same ages as yours...EXACTLY) on their first flight this summer, all the way from Boston to Seattle. Should be good times!
And yay, Twitter. Velma's the best!
Two words: Baby Benadryl.
Also, didn't you notice a while ago that Chris (you know, of the Jordan variety) posted about an airplane trip with the kids, and how Miles didn't know/understand that he didn't HAVE to sit in his carseat the whole flight? Perhaps bank on that one...and explain to T (several times leading up to the flight) that just like the car, he has to sit in his carseat on the plane!
And perhaps have him empty the bladder before boarding...then no juice/water until after you've reached cruising altitude (although if you do the baby Benadryl, you won't have to worry about this because he (they) will be passed out for the ENTIRE trip)!
i always thought that song was about two boys who were gay. are there ...other interpretations? i was not aware of this.
De-lurking for the first time...
I'm not going to lie here, I used benadryl for the Eggroll's first flight. I did it for her, I wanted her as "dry" as possible in order to avoid the whole painful ear thing. We do a lot of flying, and I didn't want her to associate flying with pain. Lucky for me, it worked. At 3, she's a champion flyer...
We often fly separately from Himself, so I follow a few "rules" when traveling by myself..
1 carry-on, and only 1 carry-on. If it doesn't fit in the carry-on, it gets packed. My wallet, laptop and jewelry co-exist peacefully with toys, wipes and the emergency change of clothes.
I'm not above pull-ups for the flight. While the Eggroll is potty-trained, I can't guarantee that we'll be able to get out of our seat to use the lav when we need to.
Several days before we leave, we hit the dollar store for "plane toys". Puzzles, coloring books, new crayons, a small stuffed animal..anything that doesn't make noise. Nothing will annoy folks on a plane faster than noise. I leave them out for a few days and let her know that these are special things for our trip, then I pack them in an gift bag to make them seem super special. I also have a season's worth of her favorite show on my IPOD and she has her own headphones. That's worked when the squirmies get out of hand.
To keep the folks in the security line from revolting, keep it simple. If you're carrying an item that might be "questionable" then put it in the ziploc bag. Better yet, don't carry it at all. I'm down to some eye drops, a dose of kid's benadryl, and some lip balm. We can live without anything else for a few hours. Slip on shoes for everyone. Step out of line while you load the bins, step back in when you're done. Same thing when you clear security.
When you get to the gate see the gate agent. Even if you've checked in at the curb, let the agent know you'll have a stroller or whatever that will need to be checked in at the gate, and that you also have a car seat. Not all carseats conform to FAA regs, and not every seat fits in every plane. If you let them know ahead of time, they're much nicer about giving you a hand.
Good Luck!
Xanax.
This wasn't your question I'm also terrified to fly and it is the only way I make it through.
Delurking to say that although I have absolutely no advice about flying with children as I have none, I do work in Monaco so if I see J swanning around the Principality with his secret other family, I will totally send him back to NYC to help you out! ;0 )
Good luck!
I flew by myself with 2 kids several times, I make a point to never look the other passengers in the eye. Pretend they don't even exist! You have as much right to be on that plane as they do. If you don't know they are glaring at you, you'll b better off, promise! Good luck, it could be the longest hour and a half of your life, or you could come off thinking it was a piece of cake, I've had it both ways. Oh, and benadryl made my daughter HYPER. So use that with caution unless you know how your kids react to it... just sayin....
I hope J hangs out with the Gossip Girl cast again this year.
PS I love, love, love your Twitter song.
Portable DVD player my friend. Just make sure it's charged. I made that mistake the last time we flew and it was not good for anyone.
The security thing... There's nothing you can do. It's a complete cluster-you-know-what when you're by yourself with two kids. I just did it in March. I put my 4yo in charge of guarding all the stuff as I got it off the conveyor to make sure he didn't run off.
Oh! But if you look sufficiently frazzled, people will do nice things like help you fold up your stroller to get it on the xray belt and unfold it at the end and make sure you got all your bags. Just muss up your hair a bit and act like you're going to drop something. You'll be good!
As for getting around Chicago. It's a pretty kid friendly city, so you should have any problems once you get here!! Have fun!
I loved the song dissections :)
As far as the traveling goes, here are a couple ideas:
-take a snack, gum, or pacifier to help with ear pressure during take-off & landing
-look at getting a crayon "wheel" to avoid picking up dropped crayons from the floor. http://www.drugstore.com/qxp199179_333181_sespider/liqui_mark/crayo_craze_6_color_crayon_wheel.htm
-finger puppets can be very entertaining for both kids
-felt activities are fun on a plane because the felt sticks to the airplane seats
-make sure you pack a change of clothes for everyone just in case someone has a problem on the plane
When I fly with my kids I pack new toys & pull out a new surprise from the bag every 30 minutes or so.
You may not like this suggestion, but I have heard that it's a good idea to bring diapers for all traveling children, even potty trained ones. Given that they don't understand take-off, landing and the seat belt sign it can save you from a disaster.
There is just too much going on in this post. Too many things to comment about.
You will be fine. As for security, as a non-parent who travels, I would totally help you out in the security line if you needed it. Also, I would have patience for you. Way more than the idiot who packs a whole bag of liquids and is all "What? We can't take 64 ounces of mouthwash on the plane? Since when?"
The twitter song and the questions about Me and Julio and Wind are awesome. You are hysterical when you're procrastinating.
This might not help until you're on the way back, but I know both O'Hare and Midway have family lanes at security that are specifically for people traveling with kids. You'll see non-families get in there, but they are not allowed to roll their eyes if you are slow because HELLO! FAMILY LANE!
Also: song analysis is brilliant.
Bring the car seats. Getting out of the seat in a car isn't an option so it's not going to be an option on the plane. They just don't know it. Turn it into a game, bribe with candy, occupy with movies on your iPhone, bring some coloring books and stickers.
IU'll think of more stuff for you...
My advice is to buy some new small toys, and leave them in their packaging. Then, dole them out as needed on the plane. The key is to not unwrap them because new toys are WAY more exciting. For whatever reason.
The only time we flew with both kids was to Hawaii last October, and it actually went swimmingly. Although now that D is walking, I bet that would not be the case anymore.
Anyway! Love the song dissection, as you know. I might have said you are the wind beneath my wings, humorwise, but I think that might be offensive knowing how you feel about My Wings. Haha.
We took our 10 month old on a cruise (crazy, yes) and I bought all manner of NEW TOYS to entertain him on the flights. His favorite item...the plastic airline cup encased in its plastic wrapping and a bottle of water. Don't stress, it will all be OK.
go read the posts maggie mason links to here: http://mightygirl.com/2009/03/05/traveling-with-kids/
the video, meh - but the other two posts she mentions are way useful
I wish I had some rad advice for traveling with kiddos, but (Hi! I don't!) I have every confidence in your ability to rock it, and I'm beyond excited for your karaoke renditions.
"If you like it, then you shoulda put a star by it..." (In my head, hilarious.)
there is too much to say. too much. this should have been three posts...because the me and julio questions? BRILLIANT. as is the twitter ladies song? BRILLIANT.
also? I might be one of those people who puts things on lists ONLY because I can cross them off. maybe.
also? I am having a panic attack just thinking about you traveling alone with them, because, of course, I have been there. GAH, sadly, I have ZERO advice.
Take a deep breath. Flying with your kids can be really fun!
Since you are flying by yourself with two littles, just know right from the start that you're going to need twice as much time to do ANYTHING.
I would take the baby's carseat all the way up to the gate with you. You should gate-check it, because that way you won't run the risk of not having a carseat if the luggage gets lost. Or better yet, ask at the gate if there is an empty seat she can seat you by, so you can strap Lo into the carseat on the plane. It's actually MUCH easier to travel with a baby if she has her own seat.
When you get on the plane, make friends with the a sympathetic-looking flight attendant! Tell him or her that it's your kids' first time flying and that you're a little nervous about it. Don't be afraid to ask for help.
I've had some really great experiences flying with Annalie by myself. Once when she was about 7 months old I got seated next to this burly 50something guy and was so afraid he'd be totally annoyed by us the whole time, not to mention I was going to be nursing during takeoff and landing and *how embarrassing*...but he turned out to be really great. He immediately put me at ease by telling me about his kids and grandbabies, and even offered to hold Annalie for me if I needed to go to the bathroom or anything.
Either wear pullups on the filght (your son, that is, unless this is also an issue for you), or else be sure that he goes 5 minutes before boarding.
i have no advice for you. i dislike packing too. unpacking is even worse. half of my luggage from a trip in march is still in my suitcase. (clean stuff only, don't worry)
GOOD LUCK!
You just don't know how bad I needed this. You really, really don't. My life has been hectic and HELL and I just needed this. I'm crying.
For the record, I have totally starred some of your tweets. Sir Topham Hatt will forever be a douchebag to me.
Girl, I have NEVER flown with the kids.
Godspeed.
gummi bears for takeoff and landing, pbs kids shows on the ipod, stickers (or those reusable sticker scenes where you can put the stickers on the firehouse or whatnot,) color wonder markers and paper because it doesn't matter if they draw all over the plane, it will only show up on the paper, and one crazy emergency thing-toy or food that you would never let them have at home and that you save in case of utter despair! oh and in addition to the changes of clothes, some plastic grocery bags to contain any biohazard materials.
I am once again far behind on my blog-reading but this post made me miss you like crazy (particularly the bit about airplanes flying higher than eagles, hee hee hee!). xoxo!
In an emergency, you can ignore the seatbelt light & get your toddler to a potty.
I always thought she "ran to the pony station," and perhaps she was in bed but not sleeping, just fretting. I fret.
Perhaps she spits like how they do on Fiddler on the Roof, and it isn't high volume: no spittoon necessary.
I have no answers for the rest of that song, even though I love it.
Lesbian Seagull didn't make it to the list? What the F!?
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