Well, let's just dive right in, shall we?
American Apparel, as you well know, is on my shit list already for this, and of course, the Pregnancy Unitard of Abject Fug (PUAF). Although if the PUAF had been around when I was pregnant last year, I totally, TOTALLY would have tried it on in the store and taken a picture for you. I’m giving like that, but I digress. The thing is, it’s the AUDACITY with which they push this shit on us, like, “oh, yeah, EVERYONE is wearing Wool Floppy Hats this summer, bitches! And you’d best be getting your Floppy Hat Cleaner to go along with it!
And now, my friends, they’re pushing the scrunchie on us. I’m sorry, but it’s TOO MUCH, and I say this as someone who used to make her own scrunchies and sell them for $1 door-to-door while also offering to puffy paint Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on t-shirts for people for $5 and no, I am not kidding.
I strongly feel that unless you are starring in a shot-for-shot remake of:
(a) that Sex and the City episode with the scrunchie;
(b) Heathers; or
(c) any number of Cyndi Lauper videos…
…There is no excuse for anyone, anywhere, to be considering this purchase. In fact…yes. You know what? If you tell me you are considering buying one of their scrunchies, that you simply MUST have the scrunchie, I will dust off the ol’ sewing machine and MAKE YOU ONE INSTEAD. I can’t let American Apparel win this one!
2. THESE SHOES
My real-life friend Kitjule (and it has nothing to do with this, but I must show you…SHE MADE THIS!) sent me a link to these yesterday, knowing I would essentially vomit in terror when I saw them.
And lo, she was right.
And really, I think anything I write here would be superfluous. I’ll just let the shoes speak for themselves.
3. ZAKY HANDS
Apparently, these are supposed to calm and soothe babies. Or something. I don’t know, I was too busy involuntarily emitting ear-shattering primal screams at the sight of them.
Look, I’m sure they have magical properties and whatever, but all I can see is the hands of the Swedish Chef Muppet--amputated in a tragic kitchen-related Flormenschnugen accident, no doubt--cupping an innocent baby. HOW CAN YOU SLEEP LIKE THAT, SWEET TINY BABY? HOW?
4. HAREM PANTS
A few of my fellow fashion enablers and I have been discussing the horror that is the resurgence of harem pants. As with the scrunchie, there is a very specific set of circumstances whereby the purchase and wearing of said item is acceptable, and in this instance, it involves a live stage performance of Disney’s Aladdin and/or the need to complete an MC Hammer costume. To whom is this flattering? No. Just. No.
5. MY PORES
What the hell is UP, pores? I moisturize, exfoliate, mask, invoke occult prayer, and still, you persist in your blatancy. WHY?
Sure, I know that taken on their own, each of these things is inconsequential, but put them all together? IT'S CHILLING.
Many thanks to my little bro for bringing this haunting artistic vision to life. (All hail people who know Photoshop better than I do!) (That is to say, everyone!)
So, what's bewildering you lately?