1. SCRUNCHIES
American Apparel, as you well know, is on my shit list already for this, and of course, the Pregnancy Unitard of Abject Fug (PUAF). Although if the PUAF had been around when I was pregnant last year, I totally, TOTALLY would have tried it on in the store and taken a picture for you. I’m giving like that, but I digress. The thing is, it’s the AUDACITY with which they push this shit on us, like, “oh, yeah, EVERYONE is wearing Wool Floppy Hats this summer, bitches! And you’d best be getting your Floppy Hat Cleaner to go along with it!
And now, my friends, they’re pushing the scrunchie on us. I’m sorry, but it’s TOO MUCH, and I say this as someone who used to make her own scrunchies and sell them for $1 door-to-door while also offering to puffy paint Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on t-shirts for people for $5 and no, I am not kidding.
I strongly feel that unless you are starring in a shot-for-shot remake of:
(a) that Sex and the City episode with the scrunchie;
(b) Heathers; or
(c) any number of Cyndi Lauper videos…
…There is no excuse for anyone, anywhere, to be considering this purchase. In fact…yes. You know what? If you tell me you are considering buying one of their scrunchies, that you simply MUST have the scrunchie, I will dust off the ol’ sewing machine and MAKE YOU ONE INSTEAD. I can’t let American Apparel win this one!
2. THESE SHOES
My real-life friend Kitjule (and it has nothing to do with this, but I must show you…SHE MADE THIS!) sent me a link to these yesterday, knowing I would essentially vomit in terror when I saw them.
And lo, she was right.
And really, I think anything I write here would be superfluous. I’ll just let the shoes speak for themselves.
3. ZAKY HANDS
Apparently, these are supposed to calm and soothe babies. Or something. I don’t know, I was too busy involuntarily emitting ear-shattering primal screams at the sight of them.
Look, I’m sure they have magical properties and whatever, but all I can see is the hands of the Swedish Chef Muppet--amputated in a tragic kitchen-related Flormenschnugen accident, no doubt--cupping an innocent baby. HOW CAN YOU SLEEP LIKE THAT, SWEET TINY BABY? HOW?
4. HAREM PANTS
A few of my fellow fashion enablers and I have been discussing the horror that is the resurgence of harem pants. As with the scrunchie, there is a very specific set of circumstances whereby the purchase and wearing of said item is acceptable, and in this instance, it involves a live stage performance of Disney’s Aladdin and/or the need to complete an MC Hammer costume. To whom is this flattering? No. Just. No.
5. MY PORES
What the hell is UP, pores? I moisturize, exfoliate, mask, invoke occult prayer, and still, you persist in your blatancy. WHY?
Sure, I know that taken on their own, each of these things is inconsequential, but put them all together? IT'S CHILLING.
Many thanks to my little bro for bringing this haunting artistic vision to life. (All hail people who know Photoshop better than I do!) (That is to say, everyone!)
So, what's bewildering you lately?
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40 comments:
OMG. That hand thing on the baby is really freaky. And the hammer/harem pants? Do you know that they sell those at Forever 21? I didn't know that either I was just wondering. Your blog makes me choke on my water/wine/beer every time I read it. ;)
This post made me laugh hysterically, and then curl up in fetal position due to that damn Zaky hand. Oh, and the shoes, scrunchie, and harem pants. Your pores look fetching, though, darling.
What perplexes me? Guyliner and skinny jeans. Sorry, Adam Lambert...I'll take my boyfriend's mesh shorts and childhood "vintage" t-shirts anyday.
Oh my gosh...they use those hands sometimes in the NICU where I work and THEY always freak me out! It's like someone cut off their arm and left it in the incubator with a baby! aaaaaahhhh!
Do they really have to make the baby hand actual severed hand shaped? Isn't the actual form of the heavy thing resting on the baby to make them feel more secure, for our benefit rather than theirs?
The Snuggie still perplexes me. I'm really tempted to just get one to find out what the fuss is all about. I mean, come one - Oprah even featured it, and I believe gave one out to everyone in her audience too.
Um, may I please direct your attention to the fact that none other than anthropologie is also selling a scrunchie. That is all.
http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/catalog/productdetail.jsp?_dyncharset=ISO-8859-1&_dynSessConf=-2320542970440727212&id=943429&parentid=ACC_HAIR&pushId=ACC_HAIR&prepushId=ACC_HAIR&popId=ACCESSORIES&sortProperties=&navCount=3&navAction=jump&fromCategoryPage=true&selectedProductSize=&selectedProductSize1=&color=030&colorName=GREEN
A few years ago I was at Wal-Mart (God, I know, I KNOW - I was desperate and it was 10:30 PM and Target was closed) and while standing in the checkout line, I saw a scrunchie holder. For MULTIPLE scrunchies. It made me cray and then think of the "gun rack" lines from "Wayne's World".
The Muppet hands! God those horrendous.
People if you need a scrunchie that badly I still have some leftover from junior high. I will be happy to donate.
OMG the felt hat cleaner for dark colors has got to be the funniest add-on would-you-like-fries-with-that? I've seen in ages. Thank you for alerting me to this.
I am disturbed by the return of the scrunchie. blergh.
did you notice that the AA scrunchies are $6? SIX DOLLARS! and that anthropologie scrunchie is $15. Retail giants need to quit smoking crack right quick.
I was just about to commend you on your find Photoshopping work. Props to your brother instead, it seems.
Every one of those items terrifies me. Pretty soon my coworker with the feathered perm and the pleated tapered-leg pale aqua jeans will be back in style again! Agh!
The Zaky hand scares the crud out of me.
Also, if scrunchies are coming back I need to start sewing. I used to make my own and could make a mint if they're selling for $6.
Laugh at me ALL YOU WANT.. but... I almost ordered those shoes 2 weeks ago until I saw the price tag.
You're welcome.
What a list of horrible, horrible things! (Except your pores, of course. I'm sure they are lovely and not nearly as bad as you think!)
Aaaah! My eyes hurt from that Anthro scrunchie. And they even have the nerve to call it a scrunchie! COME ON Anthro! If you've gotta stock it call it a flouncette or a pony wrap or something else equally as absurd, but the last image I expect to conjur when surfing the anthro site is "fashions" of junior high. On the plus side, I can now complete the Julia Salinger costume I've been working on.
Thanks for the shout out metalia!
Um, you look like a freaky floaty resurrected fashion Jesus.
I am.....I am traumatized. Thank goodness it's Friday and I can recover over the weekend.....
I don't get adult rompers. I've tried to get them, but I just don't.
Now, while I am admittedly horrified by the Zaky hands (and giggling at your comparison to the Swedish chef!), one of the previous comments says that they actually use them in the NICU? So, they are medically approved and whatnot? Whoa.
So, they are ugly and scary yet medically helpful. YOU CANNOT SAY THAT OF HAREM PANTS. Hmmmph.
I have to admit that when I saw the scrunchy ad I thought of you. NOT because you would wear them, but because of your haaaatred of AA.
I think they're really trying to mess with you.
Now THAT was funny. Those pants? AGH!
Just a thought....when Hola turned 9 months old, my skin broke out more than it ever has before, especially around my mouth where I may or may not have placed my hand while browsing the internet on many occasions....
anywho, just a thought that in recent months LO turned 9 months, so your pore issues MAY be a hormonal thing. (9 months in, 9 months out.)
Now if I can just make myself a damn dermatology appt. I could find truth to my theory.
You've got to add this to your list of horrible things -- http://i.americanapparel.net/storefront/images/detail/serve.asp?media=rsa8359p_WhiteBlackAfrika.jpg. And OMG look at the pose!!!!
Are they sandals? Are they socks? Are they Santa's Elf shoes?
As for scrunchies, okay, call me a loser, but I always wear them when I work out, sometimes also while I'm writing and don't want my hair falling in my face. They're better for your hair than rubber bands, and they don't kink your hair when you take them out. So yeah, I buy them. Although now I'm going to be embarrassed every time I do, so thanks for that.
The pics on their website, though? Of the girls in the side pigtails? OMG, the horror.
A note on harem pants: The only acceptable time to wear them is if you belly dance (and I do). However, my version of those bad boys is less Miami Vice/MC Hammer and oh so freaking comfortable.
I actually spent the better part of my night last night sewing 4 pair (!!!) for girls I dance with because we've been asked to walk in a 4th of July parade and I refused to wear our typical costumes because it will be eleventy-bajillion-hot-as-balls-degrees out that day and Harem pants will let your lady bits breathe.
I can also foresee these bad boys in regular rotation as pj pants for when I am big and unwieldy here in a few months.
End rant in support of Harems if only for costume purposes.
I gave up on American Apparel when I realized it has an ENTIRE SECTION devoted to lame. Both the fabric and the implied judgment.
Also: You kill me.
I always imagine the AA marketing/idea meetings going a bit like: "How can we humiliate our models even more? I KNOW: ZIP-UP UNITARDS." "Brilliant!"
Those shoes are officially the ugliest things I have ever seen. Ever, ever.
At least you have an awesome purse there.
For real, you make me cry. In a totally good, you-are-freaking-brilliant way. Cracked my shit right up.
I first saw a glimpse of 80's fashoon returning in Macy's with t-shirts that looked like WHAM! threw up all over them. And I shook my head in disgust. Had I seen the scrunchies (i had my Mom make me a butt-load of them), and the harem pants, I may have fainted.
Your posts make me laugh out loud.
American Apparel is ridiculous. I don't get it.
The hands on the baby is the most disturbing thing I've ever seen. EVER.
Dude, just don't leave big dead puppet hands on your baby at night. Just don't.
HAHA, omg, looove this post. That hand is FREAKY, and the floppy hat cleaner kills me.
People above mentioned some of the things that perplex me, the adult romper being a big one. Maybe I'm just not fashion forward enough...or not.
All of these items are horrifying me. Also horrifying me is that I have a coworker who a) routinely wears a BOW in her hair (she is 33) and also b) has several fake Kate Spade bags that I'm pretty sure she seriously thinks are good fakes. THEY ARE NOT.
So I went to an 80s party in January and I had to buy scrunchies because I had none. (I should have kept one for just this instance.) And of course I had to buy a three pack because they just don't sell one. So now I'm the owner of THREE SCRUNCHIES! So quick, someone throw an 80s party! Stat!
Also, those shoes, look like they could double as some sort of torture device. I think they are marketed to the people who like to wear socks with sandals.
Mah eyes! That last picture made me cringe. Love the reference to the muppets chef. Perfect! hahah
Each and every one of those things brings me pain.
I work with a woman who is fairly young at 29 and TOTALLY wears a scrunchies. She's very nice and all, but every time I see her I want to rip off her scrunchy and throw a pack of elastic hair bands at her.
I can't even talk about those shoes.
The 80s in general. Why, why, are 80s fashions making a comeback?!
I would honestly rather scrub my nipples with a rusty SOS pad than wear a scrunchie. Heaven forbid.
Bliss Steep Clean Mask. Have you tried it?
Your pores will have never seen it coming.
I jsut stumbled on your site, and this is hilarious!!!
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