It’s funny, in retrospect, how very little I cared about most of the details of my own wedding. I just wanted to marry J, you know? I cared about my dress, obviously, and—much to the poorly-hidden chagrin of certain family members—having a bouquet composed solely of dark, burgundy-colored roses. That was…pretty much it.
It’s funny to me, therefore, that with my brother’s wedding rapidly approaching (this weekend!) I find myself BOGGED THE HELL DOWN with details. It’s not that I WANT to care, but, well, there were toddler-sized tuxedos to find, and jewelry to procure, and THE TINY BARRETTES, WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE TINY BARRETTES? And the packing lists, and remembering toys for the kids, and clothes to change into afterward, and AHHHHHHH.
I’ve been sucked into some sort of Obsessive Preparation Wormhole, which is not necessarily entirely a bad thing, as there have definitely been some memorable moments. Take, for instance, the portion of the list I’ve tackled so far this week:
1. "Research the Earring Issue"
Lo received a gorgeous pair of baby earrings from my in-laws for her birthday, and so I decided the wedding would be a perfect time to get over my crippling fear of changing her starter earrings (which she’s worn since her initial ear piercing, last October), and put those bad boys in. Yeah, well, as it turns out? “Starter” is apparently code for “these fuckers ain’t budging, EVER.” And while I’d love to have the option of occasionally changing her earrings, I’m loath to maim her baby ears in the process. I’ve tried four times now to get them out, but it’s not working, and I honestly feel like I’m defusing a bomb with each attempt, because she has this charming habit of whipping her head around like a Slayer fan, SANS WARNING, while I'm doing so. Babies, man.
At a complete loss, I added the above item to my ever-growing list of stuff to do, and went a’Googling in order to see if there was a quick solution for removing starter earrings. (Spoiler alert: no.) While I was unsuccessful in that endeavor, my search did bring me to numerous crazy message boards, where a surprising amount of people made impassioned statements to the effect that parents who pierce their kids’ ears are essentially guilty of child abuse. This really only wants to make me pierce her navel, I’M SORRY.
(Obviously, if you can help my clueless ass, I’d be forever grateful. Should I try…olive oil? Dish soap? Prayer? WHAT?)
2. "Figure Out Hairstyle for Wedding"
The dress I’ll be wearing to the wedding has a lot of flowy elements to it, so I figured loose, beachy hair would be the way to go. Again, Google figured prominently in my research, which led me to two notable things:
A. It seems that many people take “beachy” quite literally, and interpret the term by PLACING STARFISH IN THEIR HAIR. I’m not talking about a starfish clip, or like, some cute tiny pin in the shape of one. I’m talking a big-ass, honking, actual dried starfish, as large as a regulation baseball, if not bigger.
B. Somehow, typing my query about beachy wedding hairstyles brought me to Yahoo Answers, which is a veritable treasure trove of hilarity. As I learned, there’s a “related questions” field on the bottom of each page, and dude. Duuuuude. A sampling:
“Which item from the ‘As Seen on TV’ section of Walgreens would make a good wedding present?”
“How can I get married online?”
“I told my fiancé marrying him would be a mistake. Now what?”
“Can you ‘write off’ wedding gifts like ‘contributions’?”
“I am 14 my bf is 18….can I marry him?”
Oh, god.
(Speaking of hair, I'm featured in a Hair Share post on Hair Thursday. Check it out, and answer for yourself the --unasked--question of why I do not do more video posts.)
3. "Get Strapless Bra"
As I mentioned in my last post, the dress I’m wearing necessitated the purchase of a really good strapless bra. As such, many people suggested simply going to a dedicated bra store and getting a proper fitting. Which, you know, makes a remarkable amount of sense. WELL. I did just that, and now, so as not to offend any of my gentlemen readers, I’ll use the innocuous (and sports-related!) term “gonzagas” in telling the forthcoming tale. As in, “Hey, get a load of those gonzagas.”
I headed to a Very Prominent Bra Store to kick off my search. I asked for some assistance, and the bra…technician (?) told me to follow her into a fitting room. I figured she’d whip out a tape measure or something, and measure me over my shirt, but no, she told me to take off my shirt and bra. There was NO TAPE MEASURE. She simply…eyeballed the area, and then went off to find some suitable bras, while I stood there, recovering in shock. In retrospect, I guess I should have prepared a bit more for the experience, since everything I know about bra fittings is gleaned from reading Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.
None of those bras that she returned with fit, so she called in another, more senior consultant so they could figure out what the problem was. Together, they stared at me some more, and the second one got All Up In My Gonzagas. I mean, at least get me some Mardi Gras beads, ladies.
They determined that I was a 28C. Or a 30C. I mention this only because THAT IS NOT EVEN A REAL SIZE THAT EXISTS IN THE WORLD. I’ve come to suspect that bra stores make their market off of the old “most women are wearing the wrong size braaaaaaa!” chestnut, and the attendant shock factor of telling a lifelong 32B that she’s actually a 46AAA.093*$, or something. I’M ON TO YOU PEOPLE.
They made me, like, lean into the bras they brought me, and manhandled me more than the most overzealous lactation consultant (trust me, I know of which I speak), and all the while I stood there with the Jasper Cullen Mask of Discomfort and Fear plastered across my face. Happy place. HAPPY PLACE.
After all that, they had nothing that fit my (APPARENTLY FREAK-SIZED) chest, and so, I…walked out, pretended the entire incident never happened, went to Victoria’s Secret, and picked up this bra (as recommended by Bethlaws06, Green is the New Dots and one anonymous reader)...
...In my regular size.
4. "Find Man Carrying Hand Saw on Public Transportation"
Okay, that wasn't actually on my list, but this totally happened today. And no, I do not have a picture, because he was a man carrying a handsaw (albeit in a plastic bag) on public transportation.
*********
(I'm finally....finalizing the next installment of "Ask A Jew"...if there's anything else you'd like to
see addressed, just let me know!)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
_300.jpg)
37 comments:
OMG! I'm a 30C!! We are bubbie twiiiiins! (You know, you might be able to pull off a 32B. For future reference, DKNY's bands run really small and I find their 32Bs or 32Cs fit just fine.
(Wow. I probably should have sent this information in a not-so-public email.)
I can't help you with any of those things you just listed (though I remember the starter earrings being really hard to get out of my 12 year old ears, much less a baby!) but I do have an "Ask a Jew" question. So... what's up with the whole tribes thing? Do you know which tribe you're from? Are priests all from Levi (I'm thinking no)? Or is that sort of ancestral detail long gone?
I'm with Alli, I remember the starter earrings being hard to get out of my ears each time I had them pierced. You just kinda have to yank 'em out. Maybe take Lo back to the place you got them pierced and they could help you? Try getting them out when she's sleeping?
I despise bra technicians. EVERYTIME I go in they tell me I'm a something something C. And then I try the bra on and see that my gonzagas (my favorite team by the way) are not even hitting the end of the bra. C, I THINK NOT.
Conspiracy. Totally.
I had an oddly similar experience at a specialty bra store, and it was for a strapless bra to wear to a wedding... What an experience. The woman did use a tape measure, however, but she couldn't find anything that fit me just quite right, so she decided that what I needed was a full length strapless bra with a full cup size bigger than my own and that "it would work fine because of the boning." I bought it and then never used it. And I have the Victoria Secret bra you bought, it works pretty well.
As an ex-employee for Claire's (Ear piercing emporium of malls everywhere and now my very own version of Hell) I can tell you that starter earrings are actually MADE to be difficult to get off. There is a little groove on the post that the back is sitting in, therefore rending it harder for a small child to pull them off and eat them (or mom to ever change the stupid things). Basically you just have to hook your nails around the back and yank.
Good luck. You might want to enlist some Teamsters to hold Lo as you do this.
Dude, I am a 32 F. Freakish bra size WIN. My boobs are actually too big for victoria's secret, which is why I ended up at specialty bra store where they have no modesty. They're like "HERE! try this! It's see through! Ok now lean over! pull the band back and shake those babies!"
my boobs are not maracas.
Ahhh, HAHHHAHAH! Metalia. I've been cleaning out my google reader to free up more time, and I'm so glad that I didn't clean you out.
28C is totally a real size! I wear a 28FF or a 30FF. I used to wear a 36D, and it fit horribly. I think that specialized bra boutiques just aren't for the women who can find a well-fitting bra in stores like Victoria's Secret or La Senza. I couldn't ever for the life of me find something that didn't make me want to cry at stores like those, and I cried tears of joy the first time I went to Secrets From Your Sister in Toronto. (seriously, I did.) So, now I spend at least $100 on every bra I buy, even though my budget doesn't really have room for it. If I could shop at VC or LaS, I totally would!
PS: I have NEVER had to take of my bra in front of a fitter, and they ALWAYS have a tape measure. Eyeballing? WTF! Methinks you were met with the female equivalent of Joey Tribianni's pervy tailor.
You should take the "beach hair" theme a step further and put a small whale or shark in your hair. Alive. In a bowl of salt water.
This whole *fancy* bra thing, I just don't get it! I've always been able to find a decently fitting 32B at Victoria's Secret but it seems like the entirety of the internet says you MUST go to one of these fancy stores and get fitted. Even worse? I'm wearing a $15 bra from Target right now... classy. I also have the strapless you bought- it works for me!
For the earrings, put a little Neosporine around the posts on the fronts and backs of her earlobes a couple of times a day.
Also, spin the earrings around a few times so that they're loose within the earlobes. If you can't do this, don't force, but keep up with the Neosporine and try again in a day or so.
Once you can spin the earrings, you should be able to remove them.
After this, I recommend that you either take her earrings out once or twice a week or eat least spin them around in her ear lobes to keep the skin from adhering to the earrings.
I remember my own starter earrings locking on much better than any earring back I have ever used since.
I don't have a problem with children getting pierced ears, though personally I think it should be when they are old enough to choose, but to each their own.
I am curious about what made you choose to get it done for her so young.
That is NOT how you get fitted for a bra! There should have been a tape measure, and what you experienced was unprofessional.
And now I will be chanting "I must, I must, I must increase my bust," in my head for the remainder of the day.
That's how they do bras ... IN PRISON.
She made you STRIP and then she EYEBALLED YOU? This...I just. I am laughing and laughing and yet horrified.
That is EXACTLY WHY I have never gone for e bra fitting. Matthew's the only one who needs to grope my boobs.
I'm killing myself at Whoorl's comment and hinking the "bubbie twins" might be the best phrase of the day.
Woo! So glad the amateur sketch worked! VS should totally hire me to do their marketing and PR.
OK, so this is why I've never gone to fancy bra store for a fitting. I've been to Vicky's, but they use a tap measure over your bra and that is as close as I get to a STRANGER. I know I need better bras, but ACK! I don't want to be felt up!
Also, I LOVE Yahoo Answers. If I Google something and my question has a Yahoo answer, I ALWAYS click on it.
I don't think your bra fitting experience was abnormal. Ahem. http://www.alphamom.com/smackdown/2008/10/bra-fitting_dilemmas_solv.php
It does suck that they didn't have your size in stock. The size DOES exist (herroom.com). But my guess is that when you don't need as much support and the maracas aren't causing shoulder and back pain, etc. that it isn't quite a life changing experience, kwim?
I've only been fitted for a bra once. When I was pregnant and my boobs were the size of your head. It was quite enlightening to say the least. Not a job I think I'd strive for if I'm ever looking to change careers...
This is pretty much the funniest thing I've ever read in my entire life.
I was having a shitty morning and I literally giggled out loud.
WHAT. they just eyed you up and down? freaky FREAKY. at nordstroms, they definitely measured...which was awkward within itself. but they wree like no big deal!
can't wait to see pics of the wedding finery!
Molly C, my boobs are also too big for VS. Talk about an embarrassing experience the day I figured that out! My current bra is from Lane Bryant. I went in one day to return a shirt and upon hearing that the reason for return was that it just didn't fit right, the salesgirl glanced at my chest and said, "Is THAT the bra you were wearing when you tried it on?" I said yes and she had me measured and in a fitting room with a new bra in under ten seconds. And it has done WONDERS for my gonzagas.
I think I have been "expertly" fitted about 200 times, and I still don't have a bra that fits perfectly - sigh - and I wanted to point out that I enjoyed your Twilight reference. I agree with EMT Pixie - I remember trying to remove my first set of earrings and you just have to give them a really good yank. Good luck!
I vote for hair squid. You can't go wrong with small octopi in your hair. They attach via suckers, no bobby pins needed! Put one on each side a la Princess Leia! It will detract from your gonzagas.
- Mon
I've got nothin' about the bra, except that I'm convinced I'm a size 35.5 BC. Nothing fits right. Ever.
About the beach hair: I remembered trying a product that did exactly this, but I had to search for it to be sure- Frederic Fekkai Marine Summer Hair Beach Waves Spray (May just qualify for longest product name EVER). I remember really, really liking it, it might work for you. They sell it at Sephora.
Now I have to go back and see if you've posted a picture already of the difficult bra-needing dress in question...
I would take her to Claire's and make them do it. That's what I did when I couldn't get Emily's starter earrings out.
:)
Also? I think i'll stick to pretending I know what my bra size is...
32 B and 30 C are the same cup size, just different band size. So really your boobs are the same size just depends on how big around your rib cage is. Fun boob facts!
I know because I'm a 32 C but always wear 34 B because it's easier to find as a size.
One time, a looooong time ago, I wrote that I thought the whole bra-fitting thing was a Vast Oprah Sheep Conspiracy to get us all to buy new bras. Nobody agreed with me. And yet here I am, still buying my VS 32B bras and NOT any of the various made-up sizes the specialty stores have told me I am. (30B, 31AA, 34AAA, 29C, YOU GET THE POINT.)
“I told my fiancé marrying him would be a mistake. Now what?”
Um. . . now you break up.
:-)
Hello - wonderful blog, but......... the guy bought a handsaw. So?
I have a total of 8 ear piercings. Only one was done "professionally" with a gun (#5, for the record), entailing the use of the evil starter earring, and getting it out was so horrible that I went back to my usual "just get a really sharp needle and a gutsy friend" approach. It was also the only one that REALLY hurt during the piercing. Those barbs that enable the earring to be slammed through with a gun are NOT designed to go backwards. (I find actual IV needles work beautifully. And yes, I seem to always have a few laying about, left over from some dehydrated cat that needs fluids or other.)
I had a woman literally fondle my boobs, in the ummm...nippular region whilst being fitted for a bra. My friend happened to manage the store, and I mentioned it to her all, "Haha, the weirdest thing happened..." and it turned out Nipple Feeler was this really, really pervy freak. Who ended up getting fired for her over-friendly bra fittings. Oh, and suggesting she help fit a lady FOR UNDERWEAR.
Um, end of weird story. But glad you found a good bra. Also: weeping over Jasper Cullen mask comment.
28 C? I'm sorry, I can't read your blog anymore. It is SO not fair that you can be itty bitty teeny tiny with big boobs, I mean gonzagas.
Sigh. And I found you so amusing. Tragic, really.
(Kidding of course. My 34A gonzagas fit nicely into junior department bras. So there's a silver lining...)
I was a CERTIFIED EAR PIERCER at the super fancy accessories store Afterthoughts in college. My training included being able to accurately pierce the dot on a styrofoam meat tray, then two of my friends for free. But, sadly, they did not teach us how to remove the starter earrings.
Now, can I interest you in a scrunchie? They are buy one, get one 50% off. (CLASSIEST JOB EVER)
Ear piercing I cannot help you with, but I love this YouTube tutorial by Sarah Victor for beachy hair. It's super easy and it might be what you're looking for.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sMFrLpMPfns
Post a Comment