The Wedding, as Told Via Fake Q & A With a Bridezilla

As I mentioned once or twice or 47 times recently, my brother's wedding was rapidly approaching. It took place this past weekend, and here's the part where I ramble on about it. Time for a fake Q&A? I THINK SO. Since it's a wedding, I shall make the interviewer....uh, a Bridezilla. Yes.

My wedding is going to be the best ever. I'm having a green wedding. My flowers are going to be flown in from Tahiti. I have no idea why everyone is calling me a hypocrite. THEY'RE JUST JEALOUS. Also, my engagement ring is bigger than yours. TOP THAT.

Uh...do you have a question?

FINE. Sigh. How did your dress come out? My stupid whore of a Maid of Honor said my demand for her to wear a corset under hers was "unreasonable" and that she was "six months pregnant." I hate her.

Well, crazypants, I really loved how my dress came out! I wrote a whole post about it here, but here's the gist. I scrapped my initial ideas, because I fell in love with this dress ("sleeves" added), which we (by which I mean, "my dressmaker") modified to make a little more modest for purposes of my brother's Orthodox Jewish wedding:



Here's how it looked:







I guess it's okay. My, you look. . .tanner than you usually do, Metalia. DID YOU GO TO TAHITI TO SNOOP ON MY FLOWERS? THEY'RE PRECIOUS RARE TAHITIAN GARDENIAS! IM'MA CUT YOU, BITCH!

Calm down, Bridezilla! I did no such thing! As you can see, the dress color for the bridal party was champagne, which, while pretty, does nothing for my pasty, pasty skin. And so, I set off on an exhaustive search to find the best airbrush tanning salon in Manhattan. I think I found it; this place received consistently high marks across various city search-type websites, and one of the awards in Allure Magazine's Best of Beauty issue. SOLD! I went with the lightest shade, and it looked (I hope!) completely natural, streak-free, and (most importantly) NOT ORANGE. (No one paid me to say this,obviously, but I highly, HIGHLY recommend them.)

I cut work to go tanning last week for the wedding. Tanning is super important. So is hair. How did you tell the stylist to do yours? I might copy it for my wedding, only it will be much prettier, since I will add sparkle-coated butterfly clips. And also, because I hired both Ken Paves and Frederic Fekkai to do my hair for the wedding. I'm going to pay them to fight to the death, and the winner will do my hair.

I believe my exact words to the stylist were, "Grecian-beachy, half-up, but for the love of God, DON'T MAKE ME LOOK LIKE SARAH PALIN."

That sounds totally reasonable and easy to achieve to me! Now I think we're finally on the same wavelength. And since we're there, I'll admit that chatting with you takes my mind off of that lazy-ass flower girl I have. My sister is all, "eight-week-old babies can't walk! You have unrealistic expectations!" I think we all know who's being unrealistic here. . .ABOUT MY HAPPINESS, WHICH IS PARAMOUNT. Speaking of kids, how were yours at the wedding?

Um, well...you know how I was all list-oriented? And hyperorganized about the wedding?

[Shrugs, applies rhinestones to nails.]

Well, I was. Anyway, there was one item I SHOULD have included on my many lists, namely, "do not allow child to bash face in, three days prior to wedding." Because...yeah, that happened. (It was a total fluke; he literally tripped, directly into the corner of a wall.)

Anyway, it was PITIFUL. He barely noticed, but...just--oy. OY. Magically, however, his puffy little eye went down pretty quickly, and then I, um...may have had the makeup artist at the wedding cover it up a bit. Here he is (walking down the aisle with my sister-in-law's nephew, hand-in-hand in their tiny tuxedos, OMG):

Sadly, we currently have no good pictures of our family together, but you'll have to take my word for it that we were all there, were all smiling, and had our eyes open at some point:

(Totally stole this from my uncle's Facebook page.)

I would have forcibly strongarmed the photographer into following me and my family around until a perfect shot was obtained, but I guess you have an. . . interesting set of priorities. I KNOW what's important, I guess. For instance, I'm forcing my fiance to do a 24-minute choreographed ballet, contemporary, jazz and hip-hop medley routine for our first dance. It's the simple things like that which truly matter. Did you do any dancing at the wedding?

You know what, Bridezilla? I am...well, more than a little scared of you. And I'm about to run away screaming in the opposite direction, so I'll just answer your question with some pictures. And yes, I think it's apparent that we sooooo think we can dance.Or at least make very compelling Dance Faces. (Having a rough day? Feeling a bit down? I do believe these pictures will snap you right the hell out of it. It's clear that we are ridiculous human beings.)





(All silliness aside, many, MANY congratulations to my little brother and my new sister-in-law! I couldn't be happier for them. And! Happy Birthday to my amazing husband!)