Presenting . . . The New Moon Rap!

Yesterday marked our sixth wedding anniversary, and we celebrated with dinner, a movie, and spending Sunday night at a lovely hotel, where I was elated to discover that our room phone very strongly resembled Zach Morris' ginormo cell phone.

Happy Anniversary, love!

Yesterday, I asked J to accompany me to a viewing of New Moon. I cited unassailable points such as Hey, It's Our Anniversary, and of course, Hey, Who Dragged Me to Umpteen Harry Potter Movies (Wherein I Personally Lost The Will To Live, And Also Remain Awake, As Evidenced By That One Harry Potter Movie Where I Fell Asleep To The Point Of FULL-ON DREAMING, And Also Drooling, And Yeah, I Was Pregnant, But I'm Sure I Would've Still Passed Out Because: Boredom)? OH RIGHT, IT WAS YOU.

We saw New Moon.

And, well . . . I felt compelled to write a rap ode to it. (If you've read the book but haven't seen the movie yet, don't worry; I'm not really giving anything away. The movie is pretty faithful to the book.) Happy Tuesday!

The New Moon Rap

Yeah, y'all know me, my name is Bella Swan.
I have a thing for a vampire who's oh-so-very wan.
Edward's his name, built like a damn marble sculpture.
Knows Shakespeare and shit, my dude is mad cultured.

His hair is gorgeous, and a sight to be seen.
Though it clearly ain't never been touched by Pantene.
It's shiny and flowing just like Niagara Falls.
Like Paul Bunyan's ox Babe, his 'do is ten feet tall.

But something bad just happened, hit me right in the gut.
It was my birthday and I got a paper cut.
No, really. That's it. It was nothing worse than that.
Then Jasper tried to eat me and so Edward knocked me flat.

Now time out for just one sec (this is kinda gross to mention),
But it's something that I feel needs a bit of attention.
If just a little paper cut made Jasper misbehave,
How do them vampires deal when I surf the crimson wave?

But back to the story at hand, though, herrre!
Edward abandoned me to . . . keep me all secure?
Look, I'm clumsy on the best of days, concussions to my gourd.
I'm fallin', I'm slippin', I'm like ex-prez Gerald Ford.

So how exactly is it smart to leave me all alone?
It's truly quite a wonder I don't got more broken bones.
Oh! A lady vamp--Victoria-- is out to kill me good.
So of COURSE it's wise to leave my ass out there in the woods!

I soon realize I "see" Edward when I act super dumb.
Hangin' with Polanskis and racing bikes for fun.
I decide I'mma become an adrenaline junkie.
There's been no worse idea since ABC's Love Monkey.

I enlist Jacob to help, and with him, his hot ab muscles.
Them cougar hos be trippin'. Don't fight me, hos, I'll tussle.
I want him! I don't! I'm so damn undecided.
I hate him! I love him! I totes just wanna Ride It!

Jacob soon mysteriously abandons my ass, too.
He gets all enraged and then treats my friend Mike just like a poo.
I'm mired in what's become a very deep personal hell.
But with these boys all leaving me, I wonder...do I smell?

Surprise! Jacob's a werewolf; lycanthrope if yo' smart.
He fursplodes out his cutoffs, they shred and come apart.
And Jacob's doing wolfy things, he has no time for me.
So of course I run off, and cliffdive into the sea.

"Sound Decisions" is my middle name, but fortunately I'm buoyant.
Alas Alice, Edward's sister (she's USUALLY clairvoyant),
She sees me drown, she doesn't see that Jacob comes to save me.
From Victoria the vampire, and the crotchety-ass ol' sea.

But now poor Edward thinks I'm gone; that I kicked the bucket.
So he decides to go and tell the Volturi to suck it.
What, ya'll don't know about the vampires Volturi?
They melt you like the sun does to a wee snow flurry.

And how will Edward go and stick it to the man?
Drain a rabbi in Times Square? Hit a nun with a van?
No! Edward goes about his shit much more starkly.
He'll...step into the sun, so his skin turns all sparkly?

Yo, don't ask me, people, I'm just a mere human.
I lack the understanding of vampire acumen.
So Alice and I set out to stop my darling Ed.
Prevent the Volturi from up and killin' him dead.

Dudes prancing 'round Voltura in red shrouds with quite the sheen,
Was like something straight outta Eyes Wide Shut's deleted scenes.
No orgies here, though; just peeps blocking me from my run,
Somehow, I reached Ed before he sparkled in the sun.

Some crazy vampire shit went down...hey look! Dakota Fanning.
And some vampire tackled Edward, just like Peyton Manning.
We left Voltura promising that I'd be turned VAMPIRE.
The Cullens had sworn up and down- Volturi don't like liars.

So here we are, a promise made, soon I shall be undead.
I don't want to spoil things, in case you haven't read.
For what it's worth though, I must say, now that we've gotten back,
I'd still rather totally do those dudes in the wolfpack.