Yes, seeing as I haven't worked on a rap since Duck This Shot: The iPhone Rap, I figured it was time to give it another go, and attempt to enliven the generally staid world of heating systems. And so I set about working on my rap...
...which was interrupted by the arrival of the Penis Snuggie.
J had told me earlier in the day that he had something "awesome" to bring home, so I was eagerly awaiting a bucket of cash, a new camera, or possibly, a pie. It was, in fact, a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Snuggie.
Which, as Twitter swiftly informed me, prominently featured some found porn:
Many people weighed in, and long story short, I have now garnered the nickname Mother Teresa of the Scrotum Blankets. Thank you, Slynnro. Anyway, this (UNDOUBTEDLY educational) rap required photographs to illustrate my point, and so I decided to document it while wearing the Snuggie. Because: Snuggie.
Without any further ado....THE RADIATOR RAP, Y'ALL:
City living is the illest,
Ain’t no better place to be.
But today I’m gonna talk to you
About apartment heat.
Pre-war buildings are the shit, you know
They’re sturdy and so spacious
Higher ceilings, wider doorways,
So good if your bum’s curvaceous.
Yet they have one awful feature,
Like that King in Gladiator.
Ruinin’ it for everyone,
Is heat by radiator.
The steam comes up a’clankin,
Makin my crib hot and dry.
A thermostat? You playin’!
Or just maybe very high.
Can’t control a radiator,
Ain’t no dials there, or valves.
They’re old as dirt, they’re aged,
Like mah granny with her salves.
My skin is oh-so-scaly,
Grody hair in a bandana.
My legs feel just like my pet snake.
(His name’s Tony Montana!)
I gotta fight the battle,
Not with whittled shivs or guns.
I got another plan, you see,
To make the dry heat DONE.
Desperate measures here are what we need,
This situation’s dire.
Gonna call my rhinestone guy,
Bling out my humidifier.
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27 comments:
Oh. my. god. I am laughing so hard right now. You kill me. The fact that you not only wrote a rap, but took photos, captioned them appropriately, all about radiators? Bravo.
This is all why I love you.
It's a very confusing snuggie, that one. Sure, it's part TNMT but with the two headed penis thing it's part marsupial as well.
I'm so glad for
1. This rap.
2. My shout out.
3. My sneak preview of that Ninja Turtle photo. I'm like SOOOOOOO COOL now. I should tweet about it.
I think your reading audience needs to know where your husband got that Snuggie. You know, for educational purposes. Not so we can all run right out and buy them for ourselves... *looks around shiftily*
You and I should go on tour with our bad selves: http://www.avitable.com/2009/10/12/avitables-guide-to-becoming-a-rap-star/
I'm laughing my ass off at work right now because of the Radiator Rap! It's hysterical and I feel your pain because although we have big old cast iron radiators at home; we have no control over them either and we live in a building full of old people who feel the cold.
Plus, OMG that is definitely a scrotum on your snuggie! I'm lost for words at whoever came up with that idea!
When I lived on the top floor of a radiator-ed apartment building, I just kept my windows open 24/7. And this was in upstate New York.
Oh, and also - Word to your mother.
I'm literally speechless.
HILARIOUS!
Also, you can put brownie pans full of water by/on your radiators and it will humidify the room. Works at our house.
You are awesome. There aren't many Jews that can rap. I can think of you, the Beastie Boys... and that's it! Mazel Tov! You're in good, although small, company.
Dude, at least yours comes ON. The themostat is tucked into the hallway so it stays warm and doesn't kick on. We're plotting a midnight sneaking out of the apartment to wrap it with ice packs.
Squirting the radiator with water helps, too.
This is freaking hilarious! And you are so right, humidifiers are key.
hahahaha you are AWESOME.
I love salve.
This? IS FULL OF AWESOME!
I'm feel so cool that I got a sneak peek at the rap AND the photo!
I still love that J was all "you act like it is NORMAL for me to photograph you fake-whittling a shiv."
HAHAHAHA!
It's a rap about radiators for the hate-iators!
I love when my friend enable me to procrastinate. Even better when they are awesomely hilarious at doing so!
And what exactly constitutes a granny salve?
I.Just.Love.This.
But I am wondering, exactly how do you get your husband to help you photograph these things? Does it require getting him a little tipsy first?
I found your blog via Cookie mag website (sigh...so sad it is gone). You always make me laugh!
One of these days, I'm going to have to learn not to drink water while reading your blog.
I didn't really need that keyboard anyhow...
you know what's funny?
THIS ENTIRE FRIGGIN' POST
also? the fact that when some canadians say the word 'radiator' is actually does rhyme with 'gladiator'
oh man. this is amazing.
and yeah, its also totally true. because I sleep with my window open all winter. and don't wear jackets anymore, because when I get outside I'm just so excited to not be overheating.
HaHAAAAAA!! OMG. As hilarious as this was in my email, it is ten times funnier with photos. Kudos to you.
Let's see...you are the only blogger I read who consistently makes me laugh out loud. This was great!
Effing radiators. We used to drape ours in layers and layers of wet towels, like ten at a time. Worked pretty well, actually. Blocked the heat, and what DID escape from the draping was pretty humid.
Of course, you'll never want those towels to touch your nekkid body again, because they come off the radiator crusty-dry and radiator-shaped, and smelling like grandma's knife drawer. Other than that, though, it's a good temporary solution!
Wait... um... those are two dicks, right? I mean cocks. I mean... PENISES. (Penii?) FTW?!
I am late to the Radiator (W)Rap Party (haaa!) and I have to say, if every Monday started with a Metalia rap, how much better would every Monday be?
Answer: SO MUCH BETTER.
"Granny salves, bitches." Haaa.
I have the same problem- bit we have a valve type thing where we can turn it off- which is awesome when you need to.
BTW did you know there is a Snuggie for PETS!!!
The Snuggie is literally the single best marketing campaign ever. Why dont you just go into your bathroom and put your bathrobe on backwards - there ya have it...a Snuggie.
Regahds...
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