Top Five Freaky Fictional Five

I am currently sitting here in beautiful….Newark Liberty Airport, waiting for my flight to Chicago to depart. [Spoiler alert: I have since landed. Safely, even!]

I’m doing my best to distract myself, since, as I’ve mentioned time and again, I’m among the world’s most nervous flyers. And you know, people are always saying things like “oh, take a Valium!” to me when I bring up My Flying Issue, as if I just have Valium lying around, and AS IF they’re not talking to the girl who called Poison Control ON HERSELF because she got her hours mixed up while in a post-wisdom-tooth-extraction-related narcotic haze, and inadvertently took a Percocet two hours early. And was concerned, you see, that she had overdosed. On one Percocet.The poison control woman? She was LAUGHING AT ME. POISON CONTROL. I place the blame for my attitude towards all drugs--legal and illegal--squarely on the “Jesse on Speed” episode of Saved by the Bell and the COCAINE KILLS YOU DEAD EVEN IF YOU TRY IT ONE TIME, REGINA MORROW Sweet Valley High book. I’VE GOT MY EYE ON YOU, FLINTSTONES GUMMIES.

And J made an excellent point to me on our way over here, which is that when you TELL people you’re a nervous flyer? Inevitably, someone will say to you “oh , really? Huh. I’m a GREAT flyer.” And then laugh smugly. WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ME, ASSHOLE? Does your lack of fear somehow negate mine? Is it supposed to make me feel better? What? WHAT IS YOUR POINT? TELL MEEEEEEE.

Damn. Clearly, I really, really need to distract myself, and I believe I have the perfect solution. I was chatting with Mommy Melee on Friday, and I learned that she was putting together a post with her Top Five Fictional Guy Crushes. She told me she’d love to see my list, and really, Maria is up there, in terms of people I adore and want to make happy, so here we are. Given my decidedly odd taste is secret crushes, I decided to mix it up a bit, and create my top Freaky Fictional Five, my list of really odd fictional guys upon whom I crush. The most interesting part, to me, is that it includes MORE THAN ONE MAN NAMED HANS:

1. Hans Landa in Inglourious Basterds – I know. I KNOW. I’m Jewish. This dude plays a HOMICIDAL NAZI in the movie…and yet. AND YET. He’s oddly charming, and beguiling and speaks, by my count, four languages in the film. I…yeah. The heart wants what it wants, people.

2. Turtle on Entourage – Because he seems like he’d be appreciative, you know? But...then again, he’s dating Jamie Lynn Sigler, so he’s probably all high on himself now, and thinks he’s better than me, and I’d be all, “we ARE TOO going to see New Moon tonight,” and he’d be all, “the Knicks game is on, brah, nothing I can do” and adjust his stupid Yankees hat, and then I’d get mad, like, hello? I’m not your brah, and furthermore, IS THAT A NEW GODDAMN YANKEES HAT, AND OMFG HOW MANY SNEAKERS CAN ONE GROWN MAN OWN, OHHHHHH, DON’T YOU START WITH ME ON THAT DRESS, I NEEDED THAT DRESS FOR WORK, THAT’S RIGHT, ONE OF US HAS TO WORK, OH REALLY? REALLY? I WASN’T AWARE MOOCHING OFF OF VINCE COUNTED AS ‘WORK,’ NO NO MY BAD, REALLY. GO. HIS COUCH AND EVER-DWINDLING WEED SUPPLY CLEARLY NEED YOU. Whatever, Turtle. Don’t call me.

3. Heath-Ledger-as-Joker.

4. Jason Segel, specifically when he’s playing the lecherous, bearded, tracksuit-wearing friend in Knocked Up.

5. Alan Rickman, specifically when playing Hans Gruber or Snape. Or , you know, both. Wow. HUH. Now THERE’s some creepy fanfic for you.

What about you? Top Freaky Fictional Five? GO!