As I've mentioned in the past, I was born and raised in New Jersey, and while I no longer live there, I still feel a connection to it. My home state is currently enjoying a cultural renaissance, of sorts, by which I mean "yes, a renaissance, if you consider a renaissance watching people representing your state flipping tables over and calling another woman a 'prostitution whore,' a la Real Housewives of New Jersey, and/or assessing a girl's behavior by saying 'she just doesn't want to feel like a trashbag because she has a boyfriend and she kissed me. With her tongue.' a la Jersey Shore."
It's a proud day for the Garden State.
Rather than dwell on the horrorshow of how my state is being represented, I've chosen instead to focus my attention on the horrorshow that is my shameful love for Jersey Shore. It's appalling and embarrassing, and I was going to speak in detail about my feelings, but honestly, I feel like devoting actual paragraphs to that would be worse than the crime itself, so to speak. And so, I decided to recap for you some highlights of the season so far, utilizing (what else?) my son's anthropomorphic Handy Manny tools:
Okay. So, I tend to get them confused, but I DO know that Mike, aka, "The Situation," is "27," by which I mean, "may or may not have an artificial hip," Ronnie and Sammi are Totally Doing It, J-Woww has two "w"s in her self-selected nickname which tells me pretty much everything I need to know about her, Snooki is pretty much my favorite unintentionally hilarious character in the rich and storied history of reality television, Angelina is crazy, and packed her clothing for her stay at the shorehouse in two large black garbage bags, and also (SPOILER ALERT) she left the show already because of her boyfriend but not really but yes really, and I don't really know what Vinnie is or does, which is why he's Diego instead of a Handy Manny Tool. Well, and also because there are only seven tools in the box. Whatever, Vinnie! You brought this upon yourself! Oh! Also, they all work in a --wait for it--touristy shirt shop on the boardwalk. That is their actual job. Here they are, the Jersey Shore tools:
Here they are, checking out their awesomely shittastic house. I daresay the one shown below is actually a touch nicer:
I basically spend much of my time watching the show going "oh, SNOOKI," like she's a lovable but wildly dumb housepet that keeps pissing on my shoes. The first night--nay, AFTERNOON, mere moments after arriving--she got incredibly drunk and physically passed out in a hammock, where she was quickly abandoned by the rest of the group:
Obviously, there is a hot tub, and accordingly, numerous sexy hot tub parties. This shot is blurry on purpose. Because: drunk hot tub. No, YOU shut up! It was wholly intentional:
Naturally, there are also Love Situations in the house, and things are really heating up between Ronnie and Sammi:
Mike, however, is being a total The Situation about it:
Ronnie is displeased, as one would expect:
And Snooki, meanwhile, has--I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP--taken on the classy and not-at-all suggestive hobby of sucking on pickles in front of the dudes. But it's innocent, you guys! She really just likes pickles, okay? It's totally fine, and not at all something that I shall file that under "The Shit That Scares Me About Having A Daughter."
The show is ridiculous and trashy, and the best-worst type of guilty pleasure. I'm not saying the anecdote set forth in the below photo essay WILL happen to Snooki, but if it does, I won't be surprised, is all:
Now, can you all PLEASE start watching this show so I don't feel so bad about this?