One day, after I had gotten yet another C on a Hebrew test, Mrs. K pulled me out of class to talk. I was cringing, but I relaxed when I saw her smiling. Then she put her hand on my shoulder and spoke:
"Think about it this way: Some people have a lot of marbles in their head, and some don't. You're just one of those people who doesn't have a lot of marbles in her head. I know you try; you're just not that smart."
I was nine years old, and I can still hear her little speech.
Things worked themselves out over time, but I have to admit, I fleetingly thought of her every time my [BLAH BLAH DOUCHE] academic accomplishments had proven her wrong over the years.
And now, as my kids get bigger, and their respective personalities grow more distinct and pronounced, I find myself thinking about her again; I think about how it felt to be -- in a way -- labeled as something, because I KNOW I’ve been doing it to my kids lately. Not awful things like my teacher, obviously, but all the same, I’ve observed (and verbalized to others) that [KID A] is the sensitive, shy, thoughtful one, and [KID B] is the outgoing, carefree one. It’s...well, it’s true, but it doesn’t make me feel any less guilty for thinking it.
With two children, I’m finding it nearly impossible to avoid making comparisons. I can’t stop myself from recalling what T did at Stage X, and noting how Lo navigates it in another way. I can’t help but feel my heart twist when I see one of my kids effortlessly jump into the fray at a party, and my other one cautiously, edging their way in, needing to see me/J in order to feel reassured.
I want to nurture (BLARFFFFFF) their differing personalities, but at the same time, not treat THEM differently from each other. I don’t want to say the wrong thing, The Thing that sticks with them for, oh, TWENTY YEARS AND COUNTING, and I know I should make myself stop mentally labeling their personalities, but to be honest, knowing their personalities dictates what they’ll respond to best in a given situation. I'm...I'm overthinking things, aren't I?
I know this post isn’t my usual tone, and I’m certain that such navel gazing would’ve been more interesting if said navel was still pierced. (I was a much more exciting person in 2000.) All the same, if you have any sage wisdom to impart, something that will assist me in figuring this out, I would be very, very appreciative. And so, I figure, would they:
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27 comments:
Okay, so I'm not a parent, but I am a teacher, so I get to see a different side of kids?! I don't know...maybe I'm out of my league here. First of all, I want to smack that teacher for saying something that would make you doubt yourself that way. It breaks my heart as an educator that my colleagues (and probably me, at some point) have said such terrible things to kids.
As far as helping your kids navigate these times, I think that the fact that you're aware is already such a good thing. What I hear most from my middle school students is that they wish their parents "understood" and "let them be who they are." So, maybe Kid A needs some prodding or reassurance. I think that by giving it freely, without those comments like, "Look at ______, she doesn't need her mom!" (which I doubt you're making, I AM JUST SAYING) lets kids know it's okay to be who they are.
From what I've read here, I can't imagine you being anything but an amazing mom, and the fact that you're cognizant of these thoughts is such a great thing. I know that as your kids grow, you'll continue to be aware of who they are and being present and loving those things really is the most important.
I think it's one thing to tell a kid (you) that you don't have all your marbles, because that type of judgy shit sticks with you. Especially when she's obviously wrong and you totally want to find her and stalk her until you can jump in front of her and say "Look at me now!" which would probably kill her from the shock.
It's another thing to realize that your kids have separate distinct personalities that they are developing at their own pace and encourage them to grow in their own ways. That shows unconditional love - it's not judgy and it tells them that you love them whatever way that they are.
SERGIO!
M -
Parent of two - 10 and 11 - (notice me trying to imply that I must know what I am talking about :-)
Did the teacher's comments stop you from succeeding, academically or in any way? NO. You might have held on to it, but it might have actually spurred you on to prove her wrong!
Don't put so much weight on everything - I think you would be surprised at how much crap is just going in one ear and out the other!! Also, you will say 10,000 things to them by the time they are 18 - and when they are 35, they will come back to you and say...:Remeber when you told me that my left big toe was fat? I NEVER GOT OVER THAT..." and you will think "THAT'S what you never got over?? THAT'S the one you grasped on to and never let go of??"
I don't have any advice, I'm afraid, but wow that teacher, what an awful thing to say! It's no surprise if you're over-thinking things a bit now. Ouch.
I don't know what to tell you other than I think we've all been through something similar and have the same concerns over trying not to compare/label our children. I'm not sure we ever really figure it out as here I am, 31 years old, and my mother still does it with my sister and me. The only thing I can think of is that if we're going to do it, we should at least keep it to positive labels and avoid such horrid things as what that teacher told you. Which, by the way, I think it's safe to say you showed her!
I hesitate to open my big mouth but...As a parent and child and family therapist I would say you are doing a WONDERFUL thing by nurturing the distinct personalities of your children. (FYI-telling someone she's stupid is neither nurturing, nor a personality trait). I currently work in the school system and I wish more folks would understand how much the public school system wants our kids to fit into this little "box", as I call it. Our personality, which dictates the way we learn, interact, communicate, perceive ourselves and others is a blueprint. It is not something we teach children but something imprinted that parents shape and build. There is a lot of new research out there suggesting that the whole "tabula rasa" (blank slate) idea is a load of bull. Children are actually born somewhat wired for their own personality and it's up to parents to nurture it. This often means we have to advocate for our kids a lot. (see my most recent post on how I got my kid kicked out of preschool) Speaking as a parent, I was that spunky kid who jumped into everything. It used to make me crazy that my tot hung back. And then one day, I watched him....he was just checking everything out. He was observing and absorbing and just needed to feel the comfort of my hand (or leg) while he took everything in for awhile. He's going to be that kid who looks before he leaps. After that I thought "well damn, that's a good thing because I was pretty reckless as a kid". Now, I just seek to understand him more. I rambled a lot. But the point is...you're not labeling, you're paying attention...that's awesome!
I struggle with this as well because my kids are all so very different. I used to say things about my oldest like, "He inherited my sense of grace..." because he would fall down a lot when he ran. My husband would gripe at me for doing that. "You're giving him an excuse now, he won't do it because you're already making it sound like he can't." I know that is LOGICAL and TRUE but it's hard to break the habit/instinct.
Funny, I just wrote about the same thing just a couples of days ago, so I feel your pain. My daughter is the shy one and my mom asked me this weekend if I'd been saying that in front of her and I admitted that I had. My mom recommended that instead of saying "she's shy" instead say "she'll warm up to you in a minute." It sounds more positive, you know? I'm going to try it and see if it helps. And I think Amy is right -- the fact that you're aware of it will make a big difference. And I think it's okay to be aware of their "labels," because you're right, you KNOW them and knowing how they're going to respond to certain things helps you help them deal with situations as they arise.
Firstly, I'd like to go back in time with you to tell that teacher what an idiot SHE was.
Ahem.
As you know, I have three kids with three different personalities. We totally notice them and encourage their different strengths. Nathan is our sporto and pops wheelies on his bike, while Graham tells us he'll learn "next year". Graham, on the other hand is very artistic with art, words and...Lego. Emily is a whole different (girly) being all together.
We celebrate their different strengths, while also being sure to never talk negatively about how they may not have have a talent that their siblings do.
Encourage them in what they are good at and they will thrive, me thinks.
Wow I can't believe your teacher said something like that to you! I have a similar story though. My freshman year of college I was taking my first college English class and the (mean British grad student) instructor told me I wasn't very good at English and probably shouldn't take any more English classes. I did end up majoring in English and even getting an MA in the subject. So, if you're stubborn like me, hearing something like that might just be the kick in the pants that one needs. That said, I'm sure you're doing just fine and that you're a great mom!
One of the things that's been occurring to me lately is that if it's not One Thing it's going to be Another Thing.
No matter what we do, there will be things that stick with our kids, and they won't always always always be awesome things.
But I think the very fact that you're angsting about this means you're being thoughtful enough to do right by them. So I really doubt YOU will be the Thing. If that makes sense.
I wish I had answers about nurturing those differences. My sons are SO, so different and I find myself comparing them all the time. It makes for a more exciting adventure with #2 but I also second-guess myself constantly.
This shit is hard.
Also: Your kids are awfully cute, dude.
Several people have already touched on this, but encouraging their unique talents - without disparaging the ways they are different from each other - is where it's at as a parent! Easier said than done, but I think the fact that you are paying attention to it means you're probably doing a pretty good job already. I think where this can be harmful is when we say things carelessly without thinking about it.
There is a beautiful picture book called "I Love You The Purplest" by Barbara M. Joosse about loving your children differently, for their individual personalities, and how to affirm/celebrate/all that. It sounds gaggy from my description but it is so sweet - check it out.
I just read Siblings Without Rivalry, and the authors talk about this EXACT thing. They point out that labeling makes the child feel like they HAVE to be the smart one or shy one, and they give methods for supporting those differences but also encouraging the child to test their own boundaries and not stay locked into their label.
I hope that makes sense, but it was an interesting read even though my children are 2.5 and due in July.
I have no idea and now I have yet ANOTHER thing to add to my "Will I ever be ready to have a second ZOMG?" list.
My thing when Theo was born to not push BOY ONLY stuff on him. I didn't want to brand him with the stereotype just as we wouldn't do that if we had a girl. And that was hard enough because I was always second guessing myself and my own preconceived ideas.
Yeah, parenting. Quite the challenge.
I second (or seventh) what everyone else says about your obviously effective parenting--but also want to suggest a book that helped me in preparing for baby #2, especially every time I worried that I'd inadvertently end up slapping labels on them the way my parents (inadvertently) did to my sister and me. It's called "Siblings Without Rivalry," and it's a quick, easy read with very concrete tips. My kids are still babies, so I can't confirm its helpfulness, but it was absolutely useful in allaying my anxieties.
I have to add re: your last post that I was *just* complaining to my husband about the lady who won't simply come out and say "Sorry for the confusion, those desserts are actually flavors of yogurt that I've been eating. I am trying to tell you that I have lost weight." And it seems as if the commercial's producers want us to identify with the yogurt-eater while scoffing at the tailor, which is totally illogical.
(Was similarly annoyed by the old Toaster Streudel ad in which the boy hides his Pop Tarts in his locker for a year--WHY DOESN'T HE JUST TELL HIS MOM HE PREFERS TOASTER STRUEDEL? ARGH!)
That teacher is a WENCH!
I'm not a parent, but I think encouraging their different personalities is a good thing! You're not trying to put them in a box and want them to be a certain way. You're allowing them to flourish and do things that are comfortable for them. They are both going to be applauded for succeeding in everything they do, since you and J are great parents.
The biggest thing I learned from growing up, the thing that sticks with me now, is how my mom told me I could do anything I wanted. She encouraged me, no matter how ridiculous. And I think THAT is what matters. That they know you love them and have your back. Which you do.
i've thought a lot about this very thing, about not pigeon-holing my step/bio kids into one personality group or way of thinking. i tried for many years not to do that very thing. but when the oldest boy turned 9, he started really wondering what he was all about, trying to figure out his role in the family, in his class, etc. every family is importantly varied and, i believe, between all it's members make up the perfect whole. it's such a dichotomy, because on one hand, i didn't want to have him thinking he was/is/will be only one thing, but for him it was important to know where he fit in things at the time, if he was the orderly one, if he was the nervous one, if he was the funny one. and when we talked about those things, he really enjoyed knowing what different traits were just his. so, once again, parenting is one fine damn line after another trying to keep these kiddos well-balanced, secure and out of therapy.
I had a fifth grade teacher say something similar to me too and I have never forgotten it or her. (And I'd like to send her a copy of my college diploma with summa cum laude written on it. Suck it, Ms. Macintosh.)
My advice is just to remember this thought and you'll be awesome. The only other thing is the thought that equal doesn't mean the same. Kids need different things depending on their personalities and just doing the same thing for each kid because it is "fair" isn't always the best thing.
not a parent also here but i think the fact that you're just aware is already on the right frame of mind.
and your teacher way back when? sucks big nuts. who says that??
Wow. I'm a major pacifist, but that kind of statement to a child makes me want to beat Mrs. K with a two-by-four. Callous and/or thoughtless people should not be grade school teachers, which...one would think was obvious.
However, I love that you've turned it around and let it motivate you for good. Lucky kids, you have. (My captcha thing is "huzza." Hee. Uh, "huzza" indeed!)
I am mom to a two year old daughter and have #2 on the way, so this is a great post. As the oldest (eldest?) of two, I have always hated how my parents pigeon-holed my sister and I. For some reason I got "no good at math and very klutzy" early on, and my sister got "good at drawing and dancing." Even now as a 33 year old, I find it so upsetting to talk to my mom when she brings up these ridiculous generalizations, and although I went on to do very well in math, I never had any confidence with dance or art. I don't know where you find the balance though, between acknowledging that different people have different strengths, and not pigeon-holing people. I think a lot of it has to do with framing in the positive, and remembering that if one child is typically less outgoing, he may still like to hear himself described as outgoing sometimes, just as reassurance that he is more than one behaviour. He is complex and unique and you notice that he has many different facets to his personality.
It is hard not to compare your kids because it's so interesting to see how differently they handle the same situation. Kids do have certain tendencies, but what's amazing is to watch those tendencies evolve.
My sons (2 & 4) are very different, yet very much the same. One is outgoing right off the bat while the other takes a while to warm up. One is seemingly fearless while the other is cautious (but a serious daredevil once he's done the calculations).
We offer them the same opportunities but don't push. They're brothers but they're also individuals. I want to support them in any way I can and teach that failure is just a chance to try again.
They have endless opportunities ahead of them and I would hate to see someone (a Teacher especially) try to limit their perception of what's possible. You've asked a great question. I'm still trying to answer it too.
I have no sage advise - I struggle with this myself, especially with one of my children who is extremely bright but cannot put pen to paper to save his life - its a struggle. Thankfully he has a fabulous teacher who recognizes this - thus he isn't labeled anything - and is working with him to find ways to unlock this block. Your words about your teacher struck home though - one of my brothers struggled in school - he hated school, was socially anxious and a guidance counselor told my parents that college was just not in the cards. He is now HIGHLY successfull, and a social butterfly. He has a silver tongue and rapport with anyone. Its sad that teachers and those trained to work with kids can say things that can change a child's view of themselves in such a negative way - every child has a gift to share, no matter what it is.
i think you're overthinking it, sweets. like others have said, you're doing a great thing by noticing that they are different & you just need to nurture their strengths. and it's hard. heck, i have identical twin girls who, if they are anything like me (ahem,) will blame me for everything that we treated them differently for forever and ever til i die.
you're a fabulous mom & your kids will sparkle.
I don't think I have anything to suggest but only to relate... I have four very different children and it's exhausting yet rewarding? watching them grow into who they are supposed to be. And I have a hard enough time casting off my OWN issues and insecurities while parenting them, I just hope they know I love them and am doing my best (which I can tell you are, too.) I think if we don't put them in one tight box, if we don't assume for them, and if we don't limit them, and don't limit ourSELVES, they'll show us the way.
Steph
First, Oh. My. GOD. I can't believe a teacher told you you weren't smart. What an asswipe. Also, she kind of reminds me of the lady who, when I went to sunday school with a friend, told me at age 5 that i was going to hell for not being Baptist. I had nightmares about the devil coming to get me for longer than I should amit.
Anyway, I think the comparing is inevitable. It's hard not to be fascinated with the differences! I catch myself doing it all the time with my niece and nephew - which is interesting since they are exactly the same age. I swear, a lot of their comfort-level stuff is gender-related. I wonder if that isn't the case with yours, or if it has to do with birth order and whatnot? I swear, I've always been more timid than my sister has - and I wonder if it's because I'm younger and had her to look after me and therefore didn't feel like I HAD to forge my own way? Who knows?
I'm sure you are a fantastic mom, Metalia. Hugs to you!
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