Lisbeth Salander, master computer hacker!
Loves snoopin’ in yo’ Gmail, and her lipstick can’t be blacker.
Pierced all over, with a big-ass dragon tattoo.
That’s how you know she’s “dangerous,” to me, you, and you.
Mikael Blomkvist, financial reporter, of sorts!
Nondescript and middle-aged, or so the book reports.
Doesn’t pour on charm or make any maneuvers.
TOTAL sense that homeboy’s a…walking panty remover?
(Eyeroll! Eyeroll! I’m rolling my eyeballs!
It’s silly and unreal, but I’m in for the long haul.
Now lemme get back to the topic right here,
Like how Mikael met Lisbeth and—hold on, I need a beer.)
Mikael’s sued for libel by some Swedish billionaire,
We drill down to minutiae about which no one cares.
He’s facing jail, he’s desperate, and he needs to find a way…
A dude named Henrik Vanger then swoops in and saves the day.
Asks Mike to help him with a family mystery, if he can;
In return he’ll help bring down that bad rich Swedish man.
Mikael agrees and Lisbeth gets her tattooed self involved,
Mystery, you’d best get set to get yo’ ass SOLVED.
The book then takes a turn for the…hyper-detailed.
Computer models! Names of highways! BOOK, YOU HAVE DERAILED.
Someone else’s groceries! Then more direction stuff.
What’s next? A camera manual? MY GOD, LARSSON, ENOUGH.
I just don’t care how they all got from point A to point B.
Unless something blew up, Die Hard-style, or crashed into a tree.
TONS of wasted pages on trip routes: “South, then northwest…”
Come on now, yo, Stieg Larsson-- this ain’t no damned MapQuest!
Coffee! Coffee! Everyone drinks coffee!
They pace, run, and get shot at, and then crack the mystery.
You think the book is over, since the puzzle has been solved.
And then we’re back to…Swedish Baddie? It’s all too involved.
Another hundred pages; and at last the book is done.
But not before I get confused, like in Trig 101.
Implausible behaviors and absurd logic abounds.
Even the explanations do nothing but confound.
All that said, it’s riveting, the story keeps you hooked.
There’s just a lot of extra crap that's muddling the book.
I truly get why it’s been so prominently featured.
I liked it like Lisbeth loves her Billy’s Pan Pizza.
~Fin~
*No one had to do it.
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26 comments:
Amen. I'm currently slogging through book 3, and every time I get another detailed explanation of one of Figuerola's workouts (10 reps of this and 30 minutes on the treadmill and 20 reps of that and an hour of hard elliptical) I think "did this book REALLY need to be this long?"
Awesome rap. I listened to the audiobook, so I just zoned out during the boring stuff, then I would have to rewind when I realized we were back to the action. I read the second book, and I'm dragging my feet about getting the third.
Awesome. Awesome! My sentiments exactly.
I'm an author, and I was reading The Girl Who Played With Fire when I got my last manuscript back with about 40 pages crossed out completely. I raged and cried and rended my garments at the unfairness of the situation, until I realized that Larsson was dead.
So, you know, even though he's sold a trazillion copies I'd rather be me.
Yeah, after reading the first book I did not feel compelled to pick up the second, let alone the third. Life is too short. There was unnecessary detail and excessive length, and the characters just kind of left me cold. I'm not grasping why the books have become such A Phenomenon.
have you seen this? it's almost as fun as yours...
http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2010/07/05/100705sh_shouts_ephron
Thanks you!! After hearing so many raves about these books, I started reading--uh, I think it was the second one. Anyway, I made it through two chapters before I gave it up. I don't get the hype.
HEEE! Love it. However, you may need an addendum in which you rhyme something with "Svavelsjo MC."
I totally agree with you about the books, but despite the length and unnecessary detail, I found them oddly compelling.
OMG, so true! The ending of book one was good! The ENDING. OF A 450 PAGE BOOK!
I have the 2nd one in my pile to read next. I can't not read it. Even though I know there is going to be a ton of shit that I will pay attention to that is UNNECESSARY!
Excellent work as always, Metalina!
I love this, you are hilarious.
As much as I loved the book, eeesh, the unnecessary details killed me too. My favourite was the hyperlink to a program he used - a hyperlink in a BOOK. WHY?
And...well, hey, let me rap it out:
"One more thing, so turn up the BASS,
The sandwiches that they eat are all open FACED."
I think you need to start performing these on YouTube. Or maybe have T and Lo do it for you. ;-)
LOVE THIS. I'm going to have to second the demand for a YouTube performance, too. :)
"This ain't no dammed MapQuest." You are awesome.
The "walking panty remover" line nearly killed me. Well done.
That is awesome. I love the books, but you've definitely got a point. They are long as hell.
I liked the books a lot, although the second was my least favored. I'm still not sure why I liked the books- they're totally not my normal genre and I hate yucky, voyeuristic, C.S.I. type of crimes and really, the novels were pretty graphic in parts. Yet I read all three in two sittings for each. Confused. Brain...hurts.
While I loved the trilogy, I completely agree about the excessive detail.
YES!
I don't need to know all about the street names and whatnot. AND, Ohmygod, I don't need to hear about more coffee and sandwiches. Stieg Larsson, bless his heart.
you did. you DID have to do it.
Oh, I so agree with you. Especially about his "purported feminism." I read the first and will not read the others. I found it interesting that someone who called themself a feminist would write in graphic detail about torturing, raping and murdering women. Almost every woman in the book experiences one or more of those things. I thought it was sensationalistic, voyeuristic, and pretty bad writing. But your rap is awesome!
I love that I don't even need to read the book now because I just know there's no way it will never be as good as this rap. You have a gift. (Well you have many! gifts, of course, but your ability to take rap to places it's never been before is probably my favorite.)
Also: I think a lot of books could be saved by more things blowing up Die-Hard style. And more Bruce Willis.
Also: "I prefer MapQuest." "That's a good one, too." "Google Maps is the best." "True that." "DOUBLE TRUE."
Best rhyme:
The book then takes a turn for the…hyper-detailed.
Computer models! Names of highways! BOOK, YOU HAVE DERAILED.
I can just imagine Eminem singing this. Well, almost.
The coffee and the sandwiches. Any hour, day or night, EVERYONE IS HAVING COFFEE AND SANDWICHES WTF?
So I watched this movie last night and there was no Billy's Pan Pizza OR Billy Pan's Pizza to be found.
(I also fell asleep for two or three half-hour or 45 minute intervals, so you know, I might have missed something. But I doubt it!)
The Girl Who Played With Fire when I got my last manuscript back with about 40 pages crossed out completely. I raged and cried and redden my garments at the unfairness of the situation, until I realized that Larson was dead. thanx for the post.
I read all three - and contrary to you and your fans, I loved all three.
Sooo funny. I totally agree. And it's not only that they eat a sandwich, it's a cheese sandwich with cucumbers or some such sort. WTF?
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